You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Sprinter Marion Jones has been sentenced to six months in prison and 800 hours of community service. However, with her speed Jones should be able to do it in half the time.

The Atlanta Hawks and Miami Heat must replay the final 51.9 seconds of their game last month because the official scorer ruled incorrectly that Shaquille O'Neal had fouled out. Unfortunately for the Heat, the do-over applies only to the one game and not their entire season.

Golf Channel has suspended anchor Kelly Tilghman after she suggested players who wanted to challenge Tiger Woods should “lynch him in a back alley.” In retrospect, Tilghman later admitted that taking a metal pipe to his knee would be much more effective.

The Olympic torch relay will make an appearance in Tiananmen Square on the eve of the Beijing Games. The appearance has been scheduled to coincide with the launch of the game’s latest Olympic event: tank dodging.

More than 30 people have already forwarded their resumes for the position of head football coach at the University of Hawaii. The applicants run the gamut from highly qualified former NFL coaches to guys who are just desperate to get leid.

Sir Edmund Hillary, the first man to conquer Mount Everest, has died at the age of 88. Why did he walk towards the light? Because it was there.

Isiah Thomas has said that all of his players are "untouchable." Of course, they used to say the same thing about plague victims and lepers too.

Curt Schilling has announced he will oversee the development massively multiplayer role-playing game when he retires. It sounds like the perfect second career for someone who’s always excelled at pushing other people’s buttons.

Adriano Bastos raced to his fourth straight victory in the Walt Disney World Marathon. The Brazilian runner was so dominant that he finished a full half hour before his next closest competitors, Goofy and Pluto.

You've Got To Be Joking

Martina Hingis has been banned for two years for testing positive for cocaine. Officials first became suspicious when they noticed her trying to snort the service line at Wimbledon.

The Dolphins have fired head coach Cam Cameron after a disastrous 1-15 season. On the positive side, that would actually count as a winning streak if he were coaching the Knicks.

Isiah Thomas has boldly predicted the New York Knicks will win a championship. What he failed to mention is that it will be in the WNBA.

Raptors guard T.J. Ford has been diagnosed with spinal stenosis, a condition which results in a loss of feeling in his arms when he collides with something. In other words, this Ford is a lot like a Pinto.

Ron Artest has said that he would approve a trade to his hometown Knicks. If nothing else it will finally give New York fans a reason to stay alert in the stands.

Marion Jones has asked a federal judge not to send her to jail for lying about steroids. That’s understandable. Given the amount of testosterone in her body she’d probably end up in a men’s prison.

Kim Kardashian has her publicity team working overtime to squelch rumors that she's engaged to football star Reggie Bush. What more does this guy have to do to get a ring?

Former All-Star pitcher Gerry Staley has died at the age of 87. No word yet on whether his present state will dissuade the Yankees from trying to sign him.

Former NBA star Isaiah Rider has been placed in custody on outstanding arrest warrants. The incident is believed to represent the first time in over a decade that the words “Isaiah Rider” and “Outstanding” have been used in the same sentence.