You've Got To Be Joking

Martina Hingis has been banned for two years for testing positive for cocaine. Officials first became suspicious when they noticed her trying to snort the service line at Wimbledon.

The Dolphins have fired head coach Cam Cameron after a disastrous 1-15 season. On the positive side, that would actually count as a winning streak if he were coaching the Knicks.

Isiah Thomas has boldly predicted the New York Knicks will win a championship. What he failed to mention is that it will be in the WNBA.

Raptors guard T.J. Ford has been diagnosed with spinal stenosis, a condition which results in a loss of feeling in his arms when he collides with something. In other words, this Ford is a lot like a Pinto.

Ron Artest has said that he would approve a trade to his hometown Knicks. If nothing else it will finally give New York fans a reason to stay alert in the stands.

Marion Jones has asked a federal judge not to send her to jail for lying about steroids. That’s understandable. Given the amount of testosterone in her body she’d probably end up in a men’s prison.

Kim Kardashian has her publicity team working overtime to squelch rumors that she's engaged to football star Reggie Bush. What more does this guy have to do to get a ring?

Former All-Star pitcher Gerry Staley has died at the age of 87. No word yet on whether his present state will dissuade the Yankees from trying to sign him.

Former NBA star Isaiah Rider has been placed in custody on outstanding arrest warrants. The incident is believed to represent the first time in over a decade that the words “Isaiah Rider” and “Outstanding” have been used in the same sentence.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you indulge in this week's sports shorts.

The NCAA is scheduled to hear an appeal on the new ban on sending text messages to recruits. The ruling has been especially damaging for Stanford and Yale since their recruits can actually read.

Czech tennis star Radek Stepanek has broken off his engagement to Martina Hingis. Apparently love means nothing to him.

The Boston Celtics are trying to lure Reggie Miller out of retirement. It’s not clear yet whether the team thinks he can still play or if Danny Ainge is simply tired of hearing Miller criticize him on air.

Scott Boras has come to the aid of Alex Rodriguez, insisting that his celebrity client has never used steroids. That’s comforting. There’s nothing like the assurance of a money-grubbing agent to put your mind at ease.

Cal Ripken Jr. has been appointed a Special Sports Envoy by Secretary of State Condoleezza. Although there were more qualified candidates available, the government simply wanted someone who would show up to work every single day.

Reds catcher David Ross was forced to leave a game against the San Diego Padres after a painful collision with Mike Cameron at home plate. I guess it’s true what they say: most accidents do happen at home.

Magic Johnson will be holding a fundraiser to support Hillary Rodham Clinton's presidential bid. That’s great news since most political pundits agree that it will take a little magic to get her elected.

Sumo grand champion Asashoryu is said to be on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Then again, you’d probably be fighting back tears too if your butt cheeks weighed the same as a compact car.