You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Winter Olympics have finally concluded. Americans can now return to ignoring alpine skiing and bobsledding for the next four years.

The Memphis Grizzlies plan to send Hasheem Thabeet to D-League. Mainly because there isn’t an F-League.

Ron Artest hopes to lose 20 pounds of what he calls “useless weight.” He could start by cutting off his head.

Chipper Jones has promised he will walk away from baseball if he has another disappointing season. Sadly, the Nationals have refused to agree to the same deal.

White Sox pitcher Bobby Jenks has stopped drinking alcohol. The veteran hurler should be especially effective now that he’ll only be seeing one catcher.

The NCAA has accused Michigan’s football program of five major infractions. Six if you count losing to Appalachian State.

The mascot for the Kansas City Royals has been accused of poking a fan's eye out with a hotdog. Wait a second, the Royals have fans?

The NFL has declined to punish Raiders coach Tom Cable. After all, coaching the Raiders is punishment enough.

John Daly is giving away a pair of his signed underwear. As an added bonus the garment can easily be converted into a 4-person tent.

The Clippers have confirmed they are keeping Drew Gooden. It’s still unclear whether this qualifies as a hostage situation.

Cardinals reliever Ryan Franklin is upset that Major League Baseball has decided to ban guns in its clubhouses. And Chris Carpenter is upset that he has to share a locker next to Ryan Franklin.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Washington Nationals have fired manager Manny Acta. The news comes as a shock to many baseball observers who assumed the team was being managed by a punch drunk chimpanzee.

The Oakland A’s plan to retire Ricky Henderson’s number 24 jersey. The ceremony will be part of a larger event that will also include the retirement of Mark McGwire’s pill case and Jose Canseco’s syringe set.

The NBA has announced that league-wide revenue rose 2.5 percent from last season. The number is somewhat misleading, however, as most of that money was made from fining Mark Cuban.

The running of the bulls is now underway in Pamplona, Spain. We haven’t seen this many terrified white guys since Barack Obama was elected.

The Cleveland Cavaliers plan to give Anderson Varejao a $50 million contract. $45 million will be for playing basketball and $5 million will be for attending children’s parties dressed as Sideshow Bob.

The Toronto Blue Jays have released struggling reliever B.J. Ryan. Seldom has a B.J. sucked so much.

Brewers first baseman Prince Fielder helped defeat the Cardinals with an infield single. The last time he ran that fast there was an ice cream truck involved.

The Pirates are interested in trading All-Star second baseman Freddy Sanchez to the Giants for left-handed starter Jonathan Sanchez. The trade is particularly appealing to Pittsburgh since they won’t even need to buy a new jersey.

Rockets guard Tracy McGrady plans to change his uniform number to three. The number represents both his "3 points Darfur" initiative as well as the number of times he expects be on the injured reserve next season.

Former Major League All-Star Delino DeShields is currently working as a hitting coach in Montana. It’s unclear whether DeShields hopes to one day become a manager or if he simply lost a bet.

Lance Armstrong has moved into third place at the Tour de France. The French haven’t been this upset since Jerry Lewis announced he was retiring.

Ron Artest plans to wear No. 37 this season because that was the number of weeks Michael Jackson’s Thriller topped the record charts. It will certainly look better than 00, which is the number of people who bought Artest’s last album.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

A Chinese news service has reported that gold medalist He Kexin is just 13, two years under the age of Olympic eligibility. It’s hard to say what’s more shameful: the fact that she could cost her country a medal or the fact that 20-year-olds have been hitting on her all week.

Olympic officials are distributing 100,000 condoms to athletes living in the Olympic Village. Actually, they're just for the foreign athletes since most of the Chinese team members are still under the age of consent.

Two University of Nebraska wrestlers were kicked off the team after their nude photos appeared on a prominent gay porn site. The story has gotten so much publicity that the team may be forced to change their name from the Cornhuskers to the Cornholers.

Democratic presidential contender Barack Obama has told reporters that he plans to go body surfing while in Hawaii. In related news, John McCain could use a little help getting in and out of the bathtub if anyone is available at 7:00 am tomorrow morning.

Michael Vick’s personal lawyer has been charged with securities fraud and accused of swindling $500,000 from church members. Evidentially authorities were unimpressed with his defense that God helps those who help themselves.

Stephon Marbury has announced that he plans to play in Milan next season. The veteran point guard can barely wait to be misunderstood in a whole new language.

Adam “Pacman” Jones has sent a letter to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell asking to be allowed to play this season. The letter took Jones a full week to write since he couldn’t decide what color crayon to use.

Troubled forward Ron Artest has said that he’s psyched about his opportunity with the Rockets. We can only hope he’s referring to the team and not to the line of tank-piercing weapons.

Kobe Bryant and his wife Vanessa are expecting their third child. It’s believed to be the first time in months an NBA player has knocked up a woman without a paternity suit being involved.

You've Got To Be Joking

Martina Hingis has been banned for two years for testing positive for cocaine. Officials first became suspicious when they noticed her trying to snort the service line at Wimbledon.

The Dolphins have fired head coach Cam Cameron after a disastrous 1-15 season. On the positive side, that would actually count as a winning streak if he were coaching the Knicks.

Isiah Thomas has boldly predicted the New York Knicks will win a championship. What he failed to mention is that it will be in the WNBA.

Raptors guard T.J. Ford has been diagnosed with spinal stenosis, a condition which results in a loss of feeling in his arms when he collides with something. In other words, this Ford is a lot like a Pinto.

Ron Artest has said that he would approve a trade to his hometown Knicks. If nothing else it will finally give New York fans a reason to stay alert in the stands.

Marion Jones has asked a federal judge not to send her to jail for lying about steroids. That’s understandable. Given the amount of testosterone in her body she’d probably end up in a men’s prison.

Kim Kardashian has her publicity team working overtime to squelch rumors that she's engaged to football star Reggie Bush. What more does this guy have to do to get a ring?

Former All-Star pitcher Gerry Staley has died at the age of 87. No word yet on whether his present state will dissuade the Yankees from trying to sign him.

Former NBA star Isaiah Rider has been placed in custody on outstanding arrest warrants. The incident is believed to represent the first time in over a decade that the words “Isaiah Rider” and “Outstanding” have been used in the same sentence.