Monday, April 7, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

A grassroots effort is close to getting Wilt Chamberlain on a commemorative U.S postage stamp. It’s the perfect way of honoring a man who has already been licked by thousands of his fellow Americans.

Barack Obama bowled a 37 this week. A politician hasn’t spent that much time in the gutters since Bill Clinton.

The New York Knicks officially announced the hiring of Donnie Walsh on Wednesday. The veteran CEO is expected to be flooded with condolence cards shortly.

Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt has spoken to Matt Leinart about his partying. At least he tried to; Leinhart couldn’t hear him over the music.

A pair of Yankees fans were arrested after trying to remove the decorative bunting along third base line. Police have since classified the incident as foul play.

Injured Olympic equestrian Darren Chiacchia will be moved to a Buffalo hospital Thursday to begin the next stage of his rehab. If that doesn’t work doctors will simply take him behind the barn and shoot him.

The Olympic torch arrived in Kazakhstan Wednesday amid tight security. The extra police effort was deemed necessary since it was the first time many people there had seen a technology as sophisticated as fire.

Cleveland Browns defensive back Kenny Wright was arrested after leading police on a quarter-mile foot chase. On the positive side, Wright displayed such impressive speed that the Browns are now considering giving him a shot at running back.

A 13-year-old Red Sox fan named Alexa Rodriguez was attacked by a red-tailed hawk during a visit to Fenway Park. Right idea, wrong A-Rod.

A Penn State basketball player is facing charges after he was caught playing with himself in the school library. On the positive side, it’s the first time in years that a Penn State athlete was actually IN a library.

Houston Rockets center Yao Ming is seriously considering using traditional Chinese medicine to help cure his foot. Now all doctors have to do is find a tiger penis large enough to rub all over it.

North Carolina junior Tyler Hansbrough has been named the AP's college player of the year. Hansbrough was so excited about the news that he nearly blinked.

Madison Square Garden has unveiled plans for a $500 million renovation. The project includes plans for a new annex made exclusively out of Quentin Richardson’s bricks.

Knicks chief James Dolan is planning to offer free food and soft drinks to everyone who attends New York’s final home game of the season on April 14. Fans should be leery, however, as the Knicks have been known to cause indigestion.