Monday, August 25, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Reds sent a letter to their fans apologizing for the team's play this season. Fittingly, the one page memo was riddled with errors.

Carl Pavano won his first game all season in a convincing 5-3 victory over the Orioles. The veteran righthander looked so impressive that Alyssa Milano might even start returning his calls.

Olympic superstar Michael Phelps plans to write a book recounting the story behind his historic eight gold medal swims. The book is tentatively titled “Suck It, France.”

Pro Bowl defensive end Osi Umenyiora is out for the season with a knee injury. The loss is being hailed as a godsend by sports writers who can now go a full year without having to spell his name.

Alex Rodriguez was spotted in two cities squiring two different women last week. It’s nice to hear that at least one Yankee is still making contact when he swings.

The Minnesota Timberwolves have unveiled a new set of uniforms that pay homage to the franchise’s first jerseys by reading "Wolves" on the front instead of "Timberwolves." Given the team’s current roster, it might be the only big “W” they see all season.

Red Sox manager Terry Francona recently phoned New England’s entry at the Little League World Series. It’s uncertain whether he was calling to wish them luck or to find someone to take Julio Lugo off his hands.

Royals pitcher Luke Hochevar is out for the season with a bruised right rib cage. Kansas City is devastated since the city has always been known for the quality of its ribs.

The president of the Washington Mystics delivered a blistering assessment of her franchise yesterday, declaring that the team hasn't "moved one ounce" in its history. The fiery announcement came as a surprise to many basketball fans who didn’t even realize that Washington had a WNBA team.

Former NBA superstar Charles Barkley will reportedly undergo a televised colonoscopy. Given his girth the procedure is expected to be turned into a ten-part mini-series.

Kurt Warner has been named Arizona’s starting quarterback ahead of Matt Leinart. Leinart is expected to be devastated as soon as he sobers up.

The Jamaican women spoiled the country's shot at sweeping the Olympic sprints following a flubbed baton handoff. You just know that never would have happened if they had been passing a joint.