In The Spotlight

The term “hero” is often overused in professional sports, but Jon Lester is one athlete to whom it truly applies. The Red Sox southpaw made headlines across the U.S. in August, 2006, when he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma in the midst of his brilliant rookie season. He returned to baseball less than a year later and has since won a World Series championship, pitched a no-hitter and been named to the 2010 American League All-Star team. His courageous spirit and ability to persevere have made him a favorite among baseball fans as well as an inspiration to millions of cancer victims around the world. Read more about Lester by clicking here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

NBA players are back doing two a days. Incidentally, that’s two practices a day, not two groupies a day.

The NFL Players Association has formed a committee to address the issue of head trauma among players… and Raiders fans.

The Minnesota Timberwolves are seeking another investor. Preferably one who’s spent the last decade living under a rock.

All signs point to Tim Wakefield not pitching in the playoffs. It isn’t that he’s injured, it’s just that no one wants to stand around in the cold while waiting for his pitches to reach home plate.

Marlins pitcher Ricky Nolasco struck out 16 batters in a win over the Braves. Atlanta residents haven’t seen that many K’s strung together since the last time the Grand Wizard was in town.

Ryne Sandberg is campaigning to become the Cubs’ next manager. Some people have no ambition.

Jim Brown has told Michael Crabtree to end his holdout. In related news, Michael Crabtree has told Jim Brown to stop wearing hats from 1970s Blaxploitation films.

Workers at an Arizona cryonics facility reportedly mutilated the frozen head of Ted Williams. If there’s a Hell, something tells us Teddy Ballgame will be gleefully waiting for them with a Louisville Slugger.

The Mets are cutting the price of 2010 season tickets by an average of 10 percent. That seems fitting since interest in the team has been cut by 90 percent.

Giants QB Eli Manning has a sensitive heel. It’s a nice change from several years ago when he WAS a sensitive heel.

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Real Madrid has insured Cristiano Ronaldo’s legs for $142 million. In related news, the Los Angeles Galaxy has insured David Beckham’s brain for $3.

The Yankees are reportedly watching their wallet. We’d be doing the same thing if we played in the Bronx.

Mike D’Antoni believes the Knicks need more size in the backcourt. A higher IQ in the owner’s box wouldn’t hurt either.

Vince Young has said he expects to reach the Hall of Fame. We expect he’ll have to buy a ticket to get in.

The Arena Football League has shut down its operations. Luckily, spectators who enjoy watching second-rate football can still tune into the Lions.

Former Ohio State football star Maurice Clarett has withdrawn a request for early release from prison. Clarett changed his mind after learning that White Castle was no longer hiring.

Preakness Stakes winner Rachel Alexandra is getting her very own line of wine. All things considered, it’s a lot better than being turned into her very own line of glue.

Tiger Woods was overheard passing gas on the 18th hole at the Buick open. All things considered, his fart was far more intelligent than anything that came out of John Daly’s mouth all weekend.

A Red Sox fan was recently spotted drinking beer from a sneaker at Fenway Park. God knows, it’s not the first time a Boston fan has put his foot in his mouth.

Junior Seau is joining the Dodgers as the team’s newest bat boy. It’s never a good sign when your bat boy is also your biggest hitter.

The Minnesota Timberwolves have been fined for leaking their 2010 schedule. Apparently the NBA didn’t want anyone to know they were still in the league.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Six Nuggets including Nene, Kenyon Martin, Carmelo Anthony, J.R. Smith, Anthony Carter and Chris Andersen have lost a combined 76 pounds since the beginning of the summer. In related news, rotund coach George Karl appears to have found all of them.

The Philadelphia Phillies have decided to start veteran pitcher Jamie Moyer in game one of the World Series. The 45-year-old hurler will be on a very strict pitch count since he likes to be in bed by 9:00 pm.

Jose Canseco has been charged with a misdemeanor offense of trying to bring a reproductive drug across the border from Mexico. Apparently it’s only his imagination that’s fertile.

Joey Chestnut ate 45 slices of pizza in 10 minutes to win the world’s first Pizza Eating Championship in Manhattan. New Yorkers haven’t seen a mouth that big since Stephon Marbury.

Former NBA guard Kevin Johnson has called upon Charles Barkley to help him become the next mayor of Sacramento. It’s a wise move. Anyone that fat should get at least five votes.

A New York model has revealed that Alex Rodriguez has a huge foot fetish. It’s hardly surprising considering he’s spent most of his career with his own foot in his mouth.

The man who caught the final home run hit at Yankee Stadium by Jose Molina has decided to sell it at an auction. It may be the only time in history where a ball is more valuable than the player who hit it.

John Madden will miss calling an NFL game this weekend after working 476 in a row. Madden will be temporarily replaced by Cris Collinsworth, who has promised to ease the transition for fans by spending 72 hours on a bus and eating three times his own weight in food.

The Charlotte Bobcats are attempting to trade Adam Morrison. The team is believed to be looking for a big man but they’d be happy to settle for anyone who doesn’t look like a roadie for Lynyrd Skynyrd.

A small electrical fire damaged the Citgo sign over Fenway's Green Monster in left field. You know you’re having a rough post season when the only thing that gets hot is your signs.

Madonna has announced that she’s divorcing Guy Ritchie to be with Alex Rodriguez. It’s nice to hear that at least one Yankee is still active in the post season.

Roger Clemens says he lacks the desire to play again because he’s enjoying his free time. It’s amazing how much you can get done when no one wants your autograph.

Former Yankee infielder Tom Tresh has died at the age of 71. His passing is particularly devastating since he would have been a huge upgrade over Robinson Cano.

A new report suggests that 1,055 athletes were injured at the Beijing Games. The unusually high number includes 300 Chinese athletes who had their legs broken for failing to win gold.

Question of the Week

Dave, Bristol, CT
Subj: Dialing long distance
Which player holds the record for the most career grand slams?

That honor belongs to Lou Gehrig, who hit 23 grand salamis during his prestigious career. Although his record was once considered unbreakable, it’s highly probable it will be surpassed sometime in the next five years by either Manny Ramirez, who currently has 20, or Alex Rodriguez, who is stuck at 15. Incidentally, 12 players have hit two grand slams in the same game, including former Red Sox third baseman Bill Mueller, who is also the only player in Major League history to have hit his grand slams from opposite sides of the plate.

A Laughing Matter

I recently joined forces with a cadre of America’s top stand-up comedians for a hilarious article in this week’s Sports Illustrated. Read all of our offbeat views on the 2008 MLB playoffs by clicking here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Alex Rodriguez was recently spotted going into Madonna's Central Park West highrise. It's October, though, so we're assuming he probably struck out.

Barry Bonds made a rare public appearance in San Francisco recently and said he is enjoying life away from baseball. That’s quite a coincidence since baseball is really enjoying life away from Barry Bonds.

A judge has moved Travis Henry’s cocaine-trafficking trial to Montana. It’s believed to be the first time the words “Montana” and “Traffic” have been used in the same sentence.

American gymnast Alicia Sacramone has said that having an Olympic medal is “like getting a get out of jail free card." Somehow we think Marion Jones might disagree.

The New Orleans Saints have decided to feature a picture of a blown facemask call on the front page of their website. It’s uncertain whether the image will attract any attention since the Internet is already full of pictures of things getting blown.

Stephon Marbury has said that he would be happy to come off the bench. It’s a surprising declaration considering the only thing worse than not starting for the Knicks is actually having to watch them play.

Michael Phelps was formally welcomed home to Baltimore with a massive parade. The procession was scheduled to last three hours but Phelps finished it in just 1 minute and 37 seconds.

Red Sox DH David Ortiz is currently auctioning his bed for charity. It’s the perfect item for someone who likes to score up to 100 times a year.

New York reliever Ambiorix Burgos has turned himself in following a hit-and-run accident. Police were amazed at how easily he gave up until they remembered he pitched for the Mets.

Lindsay Lohan's father, Michael, is looking to take someone on in the ring for $5,000. And based on her career prospects, it might just be Lindsay.

Jaguars receiver Matt Jones will have his cocaine charge heard in drug court rather than the regular criminal system. As everyone knows, drug court is a lot faster since it has fewer lines.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Mets are currently selling their Shea Stadium dugout for $100,000. Call now and they’ll even toss in Scott Schoeneweis and Luis Ayala for free.

Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt says he plans to stick with Kurt Warner at quarterback for the foreseeable future. If Matt Leinart doesn’t have a drinking problem yet, he certainly will now.

Lance Armstrong has hired anti-doping expert Don Catlin to test him anytime, anywhere, and to post the results online for the world to see. We haven’t seen a guy this eager to get pricked since Clay Aiken.

A dozen athletes, including six NFL players, have agreed to donate their brains to science. The brains of the football players are considered to be especially valuable since they’ve never been used.

A USC football recruit has been sentenced to four years in prison for armed robbery. On the positive side, he’ll be eligible to play for the Bengals as soon as he’s released.

German long jumper Kofi Amoah Prah retired after receiving a two-year ban for cocaine use. Authorities first suspected Prah was using the drug after observing how he would always jump into the sand pit nose first.

Tigers pitcher Todd Jones has announced he’s retiring from baseball. The veteran reliever decided it was time to step down when he noticed scouts were measuring his fastball with a calendar.

New York City police say they arrested 18 people for stealing pieces of Yankee Stadium during the 85-year-old ballpark's final game. New York’s finest were so overzealous they even brought in Bobby Abreu after he was spotted stealing second base in the seventh inning.

The Red Sox clinched the team’s fifth playoff berth in the last six seasons while simultaneously eliminating the Yankees. Boston residents were so excited they managed to forget about Tom Brady’s knee for a full five seconds.

Saints left guard Jamar Nesbit has been suspended without pay for violating the NFL's policy on steroids. Authorities first suspected Nesbit was juicing after noticing he kept on bumping his head on the roof of the Superdome.

Good news out of Denver. Nuggets guard Allen Iverson has said that he would consider a pay cut… for Kenyon Martin.

The U.S. Olympic dressage team had its fourth-place finish in Beijing stripped when a horse tested positive for drugs. As if that weren’t bad enough, new reports are also suggesting the horse may not have been 16 years old.

Question of the Week

Charles, Oklahoma City, OK
Subj: Going the distance
Who holds the Major League record for most innings pitched in a game?

That honor is shared by Leon Cadore and Joe Oeschger, a pair of rubber-armed hurlers who logged 26 innings each in a 1920 marathon match between Brooklyn and Boston. The epic game featured 168 at-bats, nine walks and six sacrifices and lasted for three hours and fifty minutes before being declared a 1-1 tie on account of darkness. Despite the length of the game, Cadore later insisted that he could have kept on pitching. "I remember saying, ‘Sure, but I can go one more,' figuring something just had to happen one way or the other, but that was the way it went through the 26th,” he told the press. “True, maybe a couple more innings could have been played. But as you can see what a crime it would have been to have a loss marked up against either pitcher.” Interestingly, Cadore and Oeschger also went the distance just one week before their epic duel with Cadore coming out ahead 1-0 after 11 grueling innings.

Question of the Week

Frank, Colorado Springs, CO
Subj: On the road again
Hey Ryan, who holds the Major League record for having played with the most franchises?

That honor belongs to Mike “Suitcase” Morgan, a well-traveled righthander who played with 12 teams during his 22 years in the Big Leagues. Far from an unwanted castoff, Morgan was actually a teenage phenom who made the jump from high school to the pros in 1978 with the Oakland Athletics. Over the next two decades this nomadic hurler was selected to one All-Star team and he compiled a respectable career record of 141 wins and 186 losses. Of course, the numbers are only half of the story. Morgan was also on the losing end of Dennis Martinez’s perfect game on July 28, 1991 and he served up Mark McGwire’s record-tying 61st home run seven years later on September 7, 1998. Thankfully he put those dubious distinctions behind him in 2001 when he appeared in his first World Series as a member of the Arizona Diamondbacks. "You watch the World Series year after year at home on television and yes, you start to think that maybe it's just not meant to be," he reflected at the time. "I mean, you see Derek Jeter, and he's 25 or so and he's been in it five times. I've been playing about as long as he's been alive. But that's what keeps you going — the hope that someday you might make it."

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Reds sent a letter to their fans apologizing for the team's play this season. Fittingly, the one page memo was riddled with errors.

Carl Pavano won his first game all season in a convincing 5-3 victory over the Orioles. The veteran righthander looked so impressive that Alyssa Milano might even start returning his calls.

Olympic superstar Michael Phelps plans to write a book recounting the story behind his historic eight gold medal swims. The book is tentatively titled “Suck It, France.”

Pro Bowl defensive end Osi Umenyiora is out for the season with a knee injury. The loss is being hailed as a godsend by sports writers who can now go a full year without having to spell his name.

Alex Rodriguez was spotted in two cities squiring two different women last week. It’s nice to hear that at least one Yankee is still making contact when he swings.

The Minnesota Timberwolves have unveiled a new set of uniforms that pay homage to the franchise’s first jerseys by reading "Wolves" on the front instead of "Timberwolves." Given the team’s current roster, it might be the only big “W” they see all season.

Red Sox manager Terry Francona recently phoned New England’s entry at the Little League World Series. It’s uncertain whether he was calling to wish them luck or to find someone to take Julio Lugo off his hands.

Royals pitcher Luke Hochevar is out for the season with a bruised right rib cage. Kansas City is devastated since the city has always been known for the quality of its ribs.

The president of the Washington Mystics delivered a blistering assessment of her franchise yesterday, declaring that the team hasn't "moved one ounce" in its history. The fiery announcement came as a surprise to many basketball fans who didn’t even realize that Washington had a WNBA team.

Former NBA superstar Charles Barkley will reportedly undergo a televised colonoscopy. Given his girth the procedure is expected to be turned into a ten-part mini-series.

Kurt Warner has been named Arizona’s starting quarterback ahead of Matt Leinart. Leinart is expected to be devastated as soon as he sobers up.

The Jamaican women spoiled the country's shot at sweeping the Olympic sprints following a flubbed baton handoff. You just know that never would have happened if they had been passing a joint.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The U.S. won bronze in men’s gymnastics. Of course, the only thing worse than finishing third is admitting you’re a male gymnast in the first place.

Michael Phelps is 5 for 5 after another record breaking swim in the 4 x 200. Phelps is doing so well that his coach plans to reward him by throwing him two extra mackerel from his big pail of fish.

China beat the U.S. to win gold in women’s gymnastics. The team’s members are now free to concentrate on their next challenge of hitting puberty.

Benjamin Boukpeti helped Togo win its first ever Olympic medal by picking up a surprise bronze in the men’s slalom kayak event. Now all Boukpeti has to do is learn how to fire an arrow, throw a javelin and ride a horse to help Togo catch up to America in the overall medal standings.

The Arizona Diamondbacks have acquired major league homerun leader Adam Dunn from the Cincinnati Reds for minor-league pitcher Dallas Buck. Insiders are still amazed that Dunn could be had for a single Buck.

Kenny Chesney recently strapped on the pads and took part in a New Orleans Saints football practice. Chesney’s appearance left many players awestruck, since they had never played with someone who had made a meaningful hit.

The Red Sox have called up knuckleballer Charlie Zink from their Triple A affiliate in Pawtucket. It’s uncertain who Boston will promote next now that they’ve worked their way through the entire alphabet.

The Kansas City Royals plan to close off several seating sections for the remainder of the season as Kauffman Stadium continues to undergo renovations. No word yet on how this will affect the team’s three fans.

The Bucks are looking to acquire point guard Luke Ridnour in a trade involving three different teams. There’s nothing like being involved in a three-way to take the edge off of moving to Milwaukee.

Cincinnati is considering signing free-agent cornerback Ty Law. It’s a surprising turn of events since the Bengals generally run away from the Law.

Ask Ryan - Welcome To The Block

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like Barry Bonds and unemployment. This week’s mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about Bill Buckner’s return to Boston, the NBA’s best “little big men” and the worst major league all-stars of all time. Read all about it here.