Monday, September 29, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Mets are currently selling their Shea Stadium dugout for $100,000. Call now and they’ll even toss in Scott Schoeneweis and Luis Ayala for free.

Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt says he plans to stick with Kurt Warner at quarterback for the foreseeable future. If Matt Leinart doesn’t have a drinking problem yet, he certainly will now.

Lance Armstrong has hired anti-doping expert Don Catlin to test him anytime, anywhere, and to post the results online for the world to see. We haven’t seen a guy this eager to get pricked since Clay Aiken.

A dozen athletes, including six NFL players, have agreed to donate their brains to science. The brains of the football players are considered to be especially valuable since they’ve never been used.

A USC football recruit has been sentenced to four years in prison for armed robbery. On the positive side, he’ll be eligible to play for the Bengals as soon as he’s released.

German long jumper Kofi Amoah Prah retired after receiving a two-year ban for cocaine use. Authorities first suspected Prah was using the drug after observing how he would always jump into the sand pit nose first.

Tigers pitcher Todd Jones has announced he’s retiring from baseball. The veteran reliever decided it was time to step down when he noticed scouts were measuring his fastball with a calendar.

New York City police say they arrested 18 people for stealing pieces of Yankee Stadium during the 85-year-old ballpark's final game. New York’s finest were so overzealous they even brought in Bobby Abreu after he was spotted stealing second base in the seventh inning.

The Red Sox clinched the team’s fifth playoff berth in the last six seasons while simultaneously eliminating the Yankees. Boston residents were so excited they managed to forget about Tom Brady’s knee for a full five seconds.

Saints left guard Jamar Nesbit has been suspended without pay for violating the NFL's policy on steroids. Authorities first suspected Nesbit was juicing after noticing he kept on bumping his head on the roof of the Superdome.

Good news out of Denver. Nuggets guard Allen Iverson has said that he would consider a pay cut… for Kenyon Martin.

The U.S. Olympic dressage team had its fourth-place finish in Beijing stripped when a horse tested positive for drugs. As if that weren’t bad enough, new reports are also suggesting the horse may not have been 16 years old.