You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Former Dodgers pitcher Darren Dreifort's recently underwent his 22nd surgery. You know your career is in jeopardy when you’ve been poked and prodded more than Alyssa Milano.

Gisele Bundchen is reportedly pregnant with Tom Brady’s child. The fetus is expected to be signed to a major deal later this week.

The University of Florida has announced that its 2009-10 athletic budget will be $89 million. The number is somewhat misleading, however, as $59 million of that will go directly towards paying off NCAA officials.

Dirk Nowitzki has said he would like to have a family, but it won’t be easy to win his heart. No surprise there. With Dirk Nowitzki on your team it’s not easy to win anything.

President Barack Obama has agreed to throw out the first pitch before the Major League Baseball All-Star game at Busch Stadium. Just hearing the words “president” and “Busch” together again is starting to make us nauseous.

Detroit Shock forward Plenette Pierson is expected to be out for the rest of the season after shoulder surgery. On the positive side, at least she no longer has to watch women’s basketball every night.

Cleveland Indians manager Eric Wedge has already lost 25 pounds this season. It’s nice to know that his ability to lose big extends beyond the diamond.

Magglio Ordonez has ended his homerun drought after cutting his hair. The Tigers outfielder hopes to improve his batting average next by shaving his back.

France's anti-doping crusaders are stockpiling needles for testing blood at this year Tour de France. It’s nice to know Lance Armstrong won’t be the only prick at the event.

Shaquille O’Neal plans to wear his collegiate number 33 with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Unfortunately for the Cavs, Shaq has no intention of revisiting his collegiate waistline.

Mets manager Jerry Manuel believes the team needs to acquire a big bat and, if possible, a player who won’t get injured when trying to swing it.

Ask Ryan - The Juice is Loose

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like O.J. Simpson and criminal proceedings. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about inspiring workout music, the fastest man in NFL history and Calvin Murphy's legendary loins. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/7246524

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week's sports shorts.

Former Pittsburgh Steelers runningback Jerome Bettis has claimed that he faked a knee injury in 2000 to avoid being cut from the team. And who says athletes can’t act?

A damaged black Lamborghini registered to Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs was found abandoned alongside the Edens Expressway on the city's North Side. Unfortunately for Bears fans, the body of quarterback Rex Grossman was not in it.

Sonics center Robert Swift estimates that tattoo artists put in 120 hours of work decorating his body with new designs. Unfortunately for Seattle fans that’s still 115 more hours than he put towards his low post moves and free throw shooting.

David Beckham got in a shouting match with Chivas midfielder Jesse Marsch, after he delivered a roundhouse kick to the England star's midriff. Only in America could the best soccer fights be on the field instead of the stands.

Red Sox reliever Jonathan Papelpon has revealed his latest new pitch: a combination cutter and slider that he calls a slutter. We can only hope for his sake that Alyssa Milano hasn’t already copyrighted the term.

Barry Bonds was honored in San Francisco recently when the mayor presented him with the key to the city. Next up? A visit to the Wizard to finally get a heart.

Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will become the next cast member of Dancing With the Stars. It should be nice to see him use his feet for a change rather than putting them in his mouth.

The Houston Rockets have made a contract offer to defensive specialist Dikembe Mutombo. The offer is for one year or six points, whichever comes first.