You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

John Daly is getting his own reality show on The Golf Channel. It was either that or Animal Planet.

Joba Chamberlain struck out five batters in an electrifying win over the Tampa Bay Rays. It looks like the Yankees’ cheeseburgers for strikeouts policy is finally paying off.

Reggie Bush has broken up with Kim Kardashian due to her constant need to be in the spotlight. At least that’s what he said at her press conference.

Rodney King has expressed interest in participating in a celebrity boxing bout. If nothing else, he certainly knows how to take a punch.

Yankees pitcher Chien-Ming Wang is scheduled to undergo season-ending surgery on his right shoulder. As every man knows, there’s nothing worse than having a useless Wang.

Jessica Simpson plans to release a new fragrance inspired by Tony Romo. We didn’t realize you could capture disappointment in a bottle.

The Red Sox have fallen three and a half games behind the New York Yankees. Frankly, it’s hard to blame them for wanting to keep their distance from Alex Rodriguez.

Stephon Marbury has admitted that he recently saw Jesus in his shower. Frankly we’re not sure if he was referring to the Messiah or to his Mexican gardener.

The New York Yankees have gone 40-21 ever since Alex Rodriguez began dating Kate Hudson. Just imagine how unstoppable they could be if Joe Girardi hooked up with Goldie Hawn.

The Pirates have traded All-Star second baseman Freddy Sanchez to the Giants for yet another pitching prospect. For those of you keeping track at home, Pittsburgh now has more prospects than a hot chick at a Star Trek convention.

Tim Tebow recently told reporters that he’s a virgin. Apparently getting screwed by the BCS doesn’t count.

Stephon Marbury was recently spotted crying while listening to music on one of his webcasts. In his defense, the music WAS by Shaquille O’Neal.

Getting Animated

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. This week’s installment takes aim at Tom Brady and Gisele, Derek Jeter, David Beckham, Tommy Lasorda, A-Rod, Mickey Rourke, Michael Phelps, Stephon Marbury and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Adrianna Lima has hinted she may be pregnant with the child of former Clippers guard Marko Jaric. You know, he always was a good penetrator.

Stephon Marbury has finally joined the Boston Celtics. In related news, the Celtics now have cancer.

The New York Yankees have announced that rotund hurler Joba Chamberlain will start the first game at their new stadium. That is, assuming he can fit into it.

Alex Rodriguez is reportedly preparing for a hostile reception in his spring opener. And that’s just from Derek Jeter.

New York Mets infielder Fernando Tatis was pulled from the line-up after waking up at 3:00 am with a sore right palm. It sounds like that wasn’t the only thing being pulled.

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen were reportedly married in a Los Angeles Roman Catholic church. Given their respective dating histories it’s astonishing the holy water didn’t boil over as they walked by.

The City of Los Angeles is allegedly shopping for an NFL team. Something tells us that team is not the Detroit Lions.

Derek Jeter is reportedly dating a 22-year-old college student. At the rate he’s going he’ll be married to an embryo by the time he’s done his career.

73-year-old NCAA basketball player Ken Mink has been declared ineligible after he failed Spanish. In his defense, Spain didn’t even exist when he was born.

Nationals general manager Jim Bowden has resigned after being accused of skimming signing bonuses given to Latin American prospects. Luckily it’s Washington though, so he’s still one of the cleanest guys in town.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The International Olympic Committee has opened the bidding process for the 2014 Summer Youth Olympic Games. So far the biggest bids seem to be coming from Michael Jackson and R. Kelly.

The Knicks have given the Heat a standing offer of Stephon Marbury for Shawn Marion. Miami is rumored to be holding out for a more appealing trading chip like a measles-encrusted blanket or a plague-infested rat.

Former champion race walker German Skurygin has died of a heart attack at the age of 45. Skurygin will be displayed in an upright coffin to ensure his heels are in constant contact with the ground.

Michael Phelps has been named Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year. We can only pray this doesn’t lead to more acting opportunities.

A Rolls-Royce Phantom owned by Plaxico Burress is being sold on eBay. And unlike Buress, the car’s pistons only fire when they’re supposed to.

The Green Bay Packers have been named the top sporting brand in the U.S. by a leading marketing firm. In fact, just about the only Green Bay-inspired product that isn’t selling well is Packers Fudge.

The NHL has suspended Dallas forward Sean Avery after he made inappropriate comments about his ex-girlfriends. You know your sport is being mismanaged when Elisha Cuthbert and Rachel Hunter receive more protection than many of your goalies.

The Cowboys plan to use Pacman Jones on punt returns. We can only hope he treats his blockers better than his bodyguards.

Nittany Lion mascot James D. Sheep has been charged with driving under the influence. The school’s football squad has run afoul of the law on so many occasions that Penn State now has more repeat offenders than the State Pen.

Members of the Tampa Bay Rays were recently given $223,390 each for participating in the 2008 World Series. It’s nice to hear that Stephon Marbury isn’t the only loser who’s getting a big pay check.

Alex Rodriguez and Madonna are currently vacationing in Mexico City. Now comes the hard part: convincing him to stay there.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The University of Wisconsin marching band has been suspended indefinitely while allegations of alcohol abuse and sexual misconduct are investigated. Apparently the tubas weren’t the only things they were blowing.

New York Knicks center Eddy Curry has yet to practice with the team due to a mysterious illness. Doctors have identified the ailment by its scientific name of overweightus outofshapeus.

Stephon Marbury is producing a 45-minute fitness video due out for the Christmas shopping season. The timing is perfect since Marbury has had a long association with ho ho hos.

Former Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry has been arrested following a multi-kilogram cocaine bust. On the positive side, his newfound knowledge of the metric system should make him a natural fit in the Canadian Football League.

Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Jeff Suppan posted a 15.00 ERA during the NLDS. The veteran righthander was so ineffective he may start next season coming out of the bullpen… as a giant chorizo sausage.

The Milwaukee Brewers are considering taking a run at free agent pitcher C.C. Sabathia. Luckily for them, they won’t have to run very fast.

Josh Howard has called himself an "idiot" for his videotaped disparagement of the national anthem. The Mavericks forward went on to state that America has always been one of his favorite countries in the U.S.A.

Miami Heat general manager Randy Pfund has resigned from the team. His departure is expected to leave the franchise totally pfucked.

John Daly is considering moving to England and playing regularly on the European tour. It should be a relief for Daly to go to a place where beer is considered a breakfast food. The 42-year-old Daly has made just $56,017 this year, $50,000 of which came from returning his empties.

Wiley Publishing has just released another printing of Football for Dummies. The Lions are hoping to have a copy in their hands sometime before next Sunday.

Chicago has picked up Lou Piniella's option for 2010. Incidentally that’s also how many years it’s been since the last time the Cubs reached the World Series.

The Houston Rockets have released center Marcus Campbell. The strategic move should provide enough room at the end of the bench for both Dikembe Mutombo and his walker.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Chicago pitcher Ryan Dempster has predicted the Cubs will win the World Series. Upon hearing his statement Major League Baseball immediately made him pee into a cup.

LeBron James has signed a sponsorship agreement with State Farm insurance. It’s an appropriate choice for a guy who gets hit every time he drives.

Isiah Thomas is reportedly trying to deal injured point guard Stephon Marbury. Sadly, the only person foolish enough to trade for him is in fact Isiah Thomas.

Three gamblers were ejected from the stands of a women's tennis event in Antwerp because they were wagering on their laptops. What a shame. Someone finally found a way of making tennis interesting and they got tossed out for doing it.

Veteran punter Jeff Feagles has signed a two-year contract with the New York Giants. The length of the contract is unusual for a man who’s so old that his social security number is 1.

A new report suggests that Barry Bonds may have lied to Federal prosecutors. In related news authorities are now also beginning to suspect that there is no Tooth Fairy and that most mall Santas are actually just fat guys in red suits.

Beijing will close 153 gas stations and oil depots during this summer's Olympics to meet concerns over air pollution. The move is so drastic that if visitors want to get gas they’ll have to do it the old fashioned way by eating beans.

The Houston Rockets plan to unveil a monument honoring former star Hakeem Olajuwon on April 11. The statue is expected to be twice as mobile as Shaquille O’Neal.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s sports shorts.

The New York Knicks received some good news and some bad news this week regarding combustible point guard Stephon Marbury. The good news is that Marbury is back with the team. The bad news is that Marbury is back with the team.

The University of Alabama is looking into acquiring a live elephant for its football game day festivities. Baring that, they’ll simply see if John Daly is available.

Dick Pound has announced he’s stepping down as president of the World Anti-Doping Agency. Although a replacement has yet to be found the organization is currently leaning towards either Lance Cox or Lexington Boner.

New York Knicks radio announcer Gus Johnson was recently criticized for clapping every time New York scored a basket in a game against the Clippers. We’re not sure what’s more shameful: the fact that he has no objectivity or the fact that he’s a Knicks fan.

Alex Rodriguez and the New York Yankees have agreed to the outline of a 10-year, $275 million contract. Although it may sound expensive, the Yankees were willing to do anything to avoid dealing with Scott Boras for a full decade.

Barry Bonds has been indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice and is scheduled to appear in court on December 7th. Now comes the fun part: seeing if his head can actually fit into a mug shot.

The Boston Red Sox have announced that ticket prices at Fenway Park will jump 9 percent next season. Unfortunately the ticket increase isn’t steep enough to prevent Ben Affleck from still attending games.

The NFL has sent the Jaguars a memo reminding them their team mascot Jaxson de Ville isn't supposed to be in the 6-foot white border surrounding the field. The memo officially squashes the team’s plans of using the giant plushy jaguar on third and long situations.

Hall of Fame pitchers Jim Palmer and Dennis Eckersley were spotted dining at a ritzy restaurant in North Palm Beach. The pair shared a 12-ounce sirloin steak, which Palmer began and Eckersley finished.

Redskins owner Dan Snyder was spotted with five security guards before a recent home game. You know you’re in for a long season when your owner receives better protection than your quarterback.

Former NFL coach Denny Green recently had an audience with Pope Benedict XVI at the Vatican in Rome. It’s fitting that the two men finally got to meet since they’ve spent most of their careers surrounded by cardinals.

Ask Ryan - The Juice is Loose

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like O.J. Simpson and criminal proceedings. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about inspiring workout music, the fastest man in NFL history and Calvin Murphy's legendary loins. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/7246524