You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Ricky Rubio is reportedly not interested in competing in Memphis. Luckily for him, nobody really does.

Former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf has been indicted by a grand jury on drug and burglary charges. If he’s not careful he might just get signed by the Bengals.

The struggling Florida Marlins are reportedly open to making substantive changes. They might want to start by changing sports.

NBA sources have indicated that the Los Angeles Clippers are entertaining offers for the No. 1 pick. It’s believed to represent the first time in history the words “Clippers” and “entertaining” have ever been used in the same sentence.

Kobe Bryant reportedly took an IV and went straight to bed following game 3 against the Nuggets. Mind you, it’s Colorado, so we’re not entirely sure it was HIS bed.

The Lingerie Football League is scheduled to begin its first season in September. We’re sure it will still provide stimulus for plenty of packages around America.

The Washington Nationals accidentally sprayed fans with mangled meat chunks when they tried firing sausages wrapped in t-shirts from a small cannon. Other than that it’s been a dream season.

Marcus Camby has said he wants to remain a Clipper for life. In related news, Marcus Camby is scheduled to undergo a thorough cat scan at 3:30 this afternoon.

Volleyball superstar Kerri Walsh recently gave birth to an 8-pound, 10-ounce baby boy. Luckily, the child was whisked away immediately before she could spike his balls.

Andrew Bynum is reportedly furious that he isn’t getting more playing time. It’s nice to hear he isn’t hung up on trivial matters like, you know, actually winning.

Saints tight end Jeremy Shockey was recently treated in Las Vegas for dehydration. Evidentially whiskey doesn’t have quite as much water in it as you’d think.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Shaquille O’Neal will miss the playoffs for the first time since 1993. Judging by his current weight that’s also the last time he missed a meal.

Renovations to Wrigley Field have been temporarily stalled. Luckily the Cubs should have plenty of time to work on the stadium in October when it’s completely vacant.

The San Diego Padres are now offering fans a special hot dog wrapped in bacon, stuffed with onions, tomatoes, and pinto beans, and served on a potato bun smothered in mayonnaise and jalapeno sauce. It’s the perfect snack for fans who love hot dogs but don’t want to live to see the seventh inning.

Ricky Rubio’s family is reportedly in favor of him entering the NBA draft this year. Obviously Ricky Rubio’s family has never seen the Sacramento Kings.

Darko Milicic has said he would like to play in Greece... or anywhere else where fans don't know he was picked ahead of Carmelo Anthony and Dwayne Wade.

Many Scots are turning to a brand new sport called Extreme Sheepherding. Of course, the truly extreme part is what they do to the sheep once they actually catch them.

The Columbus Blue Jackets are going to the playoffs for the first time in franchise history. Both of the team’s fans are delighted.

Andrew Bynum had 16 points in his return with the Lakers. The last time he scored that easily was at the Playboy Mansion.

St. Louis ace Chris Carpenter threw a one-hitter in a dazzling start against Pittsburgh. And just like that, the Pirates have used up all of their hits for the season.

Five Chinese swimmers have been banned two years each for doping with a powerful horse drug. When asked for a comment, all five swimmers responded "Neigh."

Boston University staged a miracle rally by scoring two goals in the final minute to win the NCAA Hockey Championship. Of course, the real miracle is that we're even discussing college hockey.

Roger Federer recently married longtime girlfriend Mirka Vavrinec. It's a risky proposition since love means nothing to him.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Paris Hilton was recently spotted making out with Barry Zito at a Hollywood hotspot. For those of you keeping track at home, Hilton has now worked her way through the entire alphabet.

The New York Knicks are reportedly trying to find a new home for Eddy Curry. We hope for his sake that it has reinforced floorboards.

Lakers center Andrew Bynum will be out for 8-12 weeks with a knee injury. Kobe Bryant is delighted to have one less teammate to pass to.

Shaun White has agreed to snowboard on a nine-story ramp in New York City. Apparently Michael Phelps isn’t the only former Olympian looking for new highs.

A new report shows that Baseball commissioner Bud Selig made more than all but three of his sport's players in 2007. Not bad for a guy whose fastball can be measured by an egg timer.

President Obama is sending a women's badminton team to Iran this week. Wouldn’t it have been cheaper to have just sent them to their rooms without dinner?

The NBA has added a HORSE contest to its All-Star weekend. That seems fitting given that many of its players are already hung like one.

Aging Red Sox legend Carl Yastrzemski reportedly thinks that his 18-year-old grandson has a shot at the Big Leagues. Then again, Yastrzemski also thinks that it’s 1983.

The U.S. Olympic Committee has asked for a face-to-face meeting with Michael Phelps. Let’s hope for their sake he doesn’t puff-puff-pass on their request.

A new study has found that the IQ of the average NASCAR fan is 137. It’s unclear whether that’s before or after they’ve consumed twice their weight in moonshine and chilidogs.