You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tiger Woods says he’s excited to return to the Masters. It will be his first foursome in months.

Tiger Woods’s return to the Masters is expected to boost television viewership of the event by 16 percent. And that’s just his exes.

EA Sports has released a sneak peak of NFL Madden 11. The game is so realistic that you can actually smell the alcohol on Matt Leinart’s breath.

Dwight Gooden has been charged with driving under the influence of drugs. Police knew for certain he was high when he got out of his car and tried snorting the highway divider lines.

Incoming Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov reportedly doesn’t own a cell phone and never uses the Internet. That goes a long way in explaining why he bought the Nets.

Shawn Bradley is running for the Utah State Legislature. Given the way he runs he should get there sometime by 2030.

A new study has revealed that the Yankees are the best paid figures in sports. They’re followed closely by the Mavericks, the Lakers and the women Ben Roethlisberger pays to stay quiet.

The Minnesota Timberwolves have now lost their 16th consecutive game. In their defense, those 5 guys at the YMCA were a lot tougher than they looked.

NASCAR was forced to postpone its Martinsville race due to heavy rainfall. On the positive side, many racing fans received their first shower in months.

The chief executive of the New Jersey Nets says he has no regrets about arguing with a fan who wore a paper bag over his head. However, he does have a few regrets about being the chief executive of the New Jersey Nets.

Tiger Woods has set up a learning center in Southern California. Enrollment in his sex ed classes is already full.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tiger Woods is reportedly making great strides at a sex rehab facility in Mississippi. In fact, doctors already have reduced him to just nine holes a day.

The Saints beat the Vikings 31-28 in overtime. The game had almost as many twists and turns as a Brett Favre retirement announcement.

NASCAR is relaxing its rules to allow drivers to initiate more contact and reach higher speeds. In other words, they’ll now be allowed to drive just like Lindsay Lohan.

Mets are interested in Chien-Ming Wang. The veteran hurler has everything they look for in a pitcher: superb velocity, excellent command and an uncanny knack for getting injured every three days.

Clay Bennett has agreed to pay former SuperSonics season-ticket holders $1.6 million for removing the team from Seattle. In related news, Bruce Ratner has agreed to pay Nets season-ticket holders $17 million for KEEPING the team in New Jersey.

Glen Davis has been fined $25,000 for swearing at a fan who called him fat. Sadly, Davis was going to use that money to buy breakfast.

Allen Iverson has been named a starter in the NBA All-Star game. It’s an impressive feat considering he’s barely a starter on his own team.

Ron Artest has plantar fasciitis. It could be worse: he could have to spell it.

Major League Baseball has agreed to move a three-game series between the Mets and Marlins to San Juan. Sadly, both teams will be allowed to return once the series is over.

A sports promoter in Georgia is starting a basketball league exclusively for white players. Adam Morrison is thrilled.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Seattle bullpen coach John Wetteland has been hospitalized with a mental issue. Friends first suspected he was unstable when he accepted a job with the Mariners.

Stephen Jackson says he’s shocked the media has labeled him as a bad guy. We’re shocked the media finally got a story right.

The New Orleans Hornets have fired head coach Byron Scott. The move has shocked many insiders since Scott was also the team’s third best player.

Javon Walker reportedly wants out of Oakland. Then again, so do half of the city’s residents.

A diehard NASCAR fan has created a shrine to the sport using 46,693 Coors and Budweiser bottle caps. It’s amazing what you can do with a single afternoon of drinking.

Michael Vick says he’s happy to be with the Eagles. Then again, Michael Vick is just happy he no longer has to worry about getting shived every time he has a shower.

Browns coach Eric Mangini has refuted claims that he overworks his team. Based on Cleveland’s record, we’re inclined to believe him.

Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis appears to be on the chopping block. We had no idea they made chopping blocks that big.

Kobe Bryant is reportedly nursing a sore right groin. Something tells us the Lakers won’t be sending him to Colorado for rehab.

Eddy Curry has reportedly lost another 10 pounds. If he loses 10 more Knicks officials can finally start measuring his weight on a bathroom scale rather than the Richter scale.

Getting Animated

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. In this week’s installment we take aim at Helio Castroneves, the NBA playoffs, Plaxico Burress, Tom Brady, Jake Peavy, Michelle Wie, Eddy Curry, Dontrelle Willis, NASCAR, the Lingerie Football League and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Paris Hilton was recently spotted making out with Barry Zito at a Hollywood hotspot. For those of you keeping track at home, Hilton has now worked her way through the entire alphabet.

The New York Knicks are reportedly trying to find a new home for Eddy Curry. We hope for his sake that it has reinforced floorboards.

Lakers center Andrew Bynum will be out for 8-12 weeks with a knee injury. Kobe Bryant is delighted to have one less teammate to pass to.

Shaun White has agreed to snowboard on a nine-story ramp in New York City. Apparently Michael Phelps isn’t the only former Olympian looking for new highs.

A new report shows that Baseball commissioner Bud Selig made more than all but three of his sport's players in 2007. Not bad for a guy whose fastball can be measured by an egg timer.

President Obama is sending a women's badminton team to Iran this week. Wouldn’t it have been cheaper to have just sent them to their rooms without dinner?

The NBA has added a HORSE contest to its All-Star weekend. That seems fitting given that many of its players are already hung like one.

Aging Red Sox legend Carl Yastrzemski reportedly thinks that his 18-year-old grandson has a shot at the Big Leagues. Then again, Yastrzemski also thinks that it’s 1983.

The U.S. Olympic Committee has asked for a face-to-face meeting with Michael Phelps. Let’s hope for their sake he doesn’t puff-puff-pass on their request.

A new study has found that the IQ of the average NASCAR fan is 137. It’s unclear whether that’s before or after they’ve consumed twice their weight in moonshine and chilidogs.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Lingerie Bowl has been cancelled due to a conflict over the amount of nudity allowed in the event. On the positive side, football fans can still look forward to seeing the Cardinals thoroughly undressed this Sunday.

Charlotte forward Gerald Wallace suffered a partially collapsed lung in a game against the Celtics. Luckily he plays for the Bobcats so he’s used to dealing with sudden collapses.

Former NBA player Corie Blount was recently busted with 11 pounds of marijuana. Or, as Ricky Williams calls it, a single serving.

Washington Capitals star Alex Ovechkin had to leave a game against the Bruins after being hit by Boston defenseman Zdeno Chara. Not since the days of Jesus Christ has someone made this much news simply for being nailed into a board.

NASCAR is planning on removing pit stops from its popular World Truck Series races. The change means that drivers will now have to wait until AFTER the race is over to resume making-out with their cousins.

The Dallas Cowboys might fine tight end Martellus Bennett for an offensive rap video he posted on YouTube. Of course, if bad rap were really a crime Vanilla Ice would have been sentenced to the electric chair years ago.

Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain recently told reporters that Fenway Park smells like “70-year-old Pine Sol.” Those are strong words for a man who smells like a beer and bratwurst fart himself.

Lakers forward Trevor Ariza remains "slightly impaired" from a concussion he sustained against the Bobcats. In other words, he’s now just like every other player in the NBA.

Bobby Bowden has signed a one-year contract to coach a 34th season at Florida State. Bowden has been at the school so long he remembers when football players actually had to write their own exams.

Aaron Heilman has been traded from Seattle to the Chicago Cubs, just seven weeks after the Mets shipped him to the Mariners. On the positive side, if Heilman gets traded once more this month he’ll officially have enough frequent flyers miles to visit the moon.

An 11-year-old bullfighter in Mexico set a new record by slaying six young bulls in one appearance. That’s nothing; NBA teams have been slaying 12 young Bulls every night for the last three seasons.

Former NFL star Michael Strahan has been chosen to host the fourth season of Spike TV’s “Pros vs. Joes.” The show is not to be confused with “Pros vs. Hoes” which is a documentary about the Minnesota Vikings’ 2005 boat cruise.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

NASCAR has settled a $225 million lawsuit filed by a former official who said she was subjected to racial discrimination and sexual harassment. The news comes as a shock to many NASCAR fans who didn’t realize harass was one word.

Lindsay Davenport is pulling out of the Australian Open because she is pregnant with her second child. It’s nice to know that at least one person in her marriage knows how to pull out.

Vince Young is suing former major leaguer Enos Cabell for trying to use his initials and "Invinceable" nickname to sell products without his permission. Luckily for Young, the names “Cry Baby” and “Whiner” are still available.

Rotund hurler C.C. Sabathia is expected to receive a $9.5 million bonus from the New York Yankees. Or as he calls it, lunch money.

A woman has pleaded no contest to stalking Lakers forward Luke Walton. The California resident has been sentenced to three years' probation, told to attend counseling and encouraged to set her sights a little higher the next time she decides to stalk a celebrity.

NASCAR has announced it will begin testing drivers for performance-enhancing drugs in January. Drivers will be tested for 13 different narcotics, ten different barbiturates and seven varieties of moonshine.

The Boston Celtics are reportedly interested in signing Stephon Marbury. Given the state of the economy who wouldn’t want a player who pays $2,600 for his own courtside seats?

The Lions slipped to 0-15 after losing 42-7 to the Saints. On the positive side, the team could be just one more loss away from a massive congressional bailout.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week's Sports Shorts.

Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers is the star of a new video for the Pure Love Club, an organization that advocates saving one's self for marriage. It’s an unusual affiliation for a guy who spends so much of his time flat on his back.

NCAA Division II delegates have approved a pilot program allowing Canadian schools to apply for membership as soon as June 1. The new division will henceforth be known as the NC-Eh-Eh.

NASCAR is considering raising the minimum age for drivers in the Sprint Cup Series from 18 to 21. It’s hoped the new age restriction will produce a much more mature and professional class of rednecks.

Knicks guard Stephon Marbury is scheduled to go under the knife for season-ending surgery. Unfortunately the surgery will be on his left ankle and not his brain.

Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter has said that he wants to go back to college to get his degree when he's done playing. That’s just what Jeter needs - another place to meet women.

Bobby Knight has become the first men's Division I coach to reach 900 victories. It’s an impressive milestone for a man who has often seemed more interested in throttling his players than in coaching them.

Bulls rookie JamesOn Curry was arrested and charged with misdemeanor counts of urinating in public. When asked for a reaction, Curry freely admitted that he was pissed off. Luckily the incident happened in Boise, so it actually improved the smell of the city.

New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick has said he supports wide receiver Randy Moss in the wake of damaging battery allegations. In fact, Belichick even has the tapes to prove he’s innocent.

Golfweek has fired its longtime editor Dave Seanor after he placed an image of a noose on the magazine’s cover. Apparently lynching him wasn’t an option. All things considered, it’s still much more tasteful than a topless photo of John Daly.

Former chess master Bobby Fisher has died at the age of 64. This is one move fellow competitors never saw coming.

Washington Wizards center Etan Thomas said he hopes to return from open heart surgery this season. God knows, he certainly wouldn’t be the only NBA player out there with an enlarged organ.

Dan Marino's cell phone went off twice on CBS' Sprint Halftime Report. Incidentally, that’s two more phone calls than FOX’s Terry Bradshaw got all month.

Question of the Week

Maurice, Cincinnati, OH
Subj: NASCAR vs. NBA
I get so sick and tired of my co-workers dogging me on my love for the NBA! And what is more perplexing is their infatuation with NASCAR. I'm not trying to knock NASCAR, even I delight in seeing the crashes on Sportscenter, but is it really a sport? On one hand, you have possibly the best athletes in the world, and on the other you have average guys driving super cars. . . .Is there really any comparison?

Superb question, Maurice. Although I’m not about to paint a giant number 3 on the side of my barn, I do believe NASCAR is a bona-fide sport. After all, it’s covered in the sport section, it’s broadcast on ESPN and it fulfills Merriam-Webster’s requirement as being “a physical activity engaged in for pleasure.” Now, with that said, I’m just as adamant in my belief that NASCAR drivers are NOT athletes. In my opinion, athletes are finely-conditioned physical specimens with exceptional agility, stamina and strength, not gas-huffing hillbillies who spend more time going around in circles than a one-winged pigeon. Consider, for instance, the curious case of James Hylton. The NASCAR veteran posted the 15th fastest time in the final practice session for the 2007 Daytona 500 despite being 72 years old. Something like that would never happen in the NBA or NFL, where an older, less athletic competitor would likely drop dead before halftime. Until drivers have to start peddling their cars around the track like Fred Flintstone, I’ll always consider NASCAR to stand for “Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks”.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. has been selected NASCAR’s most popular driver for the fifth straight year, drawing more than 1.5 million votes online. The news comes as a surprise to many experts who didn’t realize racing fans actually knew how to use a computer.

One of Michael Vick's co-defendants has been sentenced to 18 months in prison on federal dog fighting conspiracy charges. In case you’re wondering, that’s 126 months in dog years.

Gatorade inventor Dr. Robert Cade has died of kidney failure at the age of 80. A small service will be held later this week for family and friends followed by the dumping of two large coolers of orange Gatorade on his coffin.

Dick's Sporting Goods has purchased Chick's Sporting Goods for $71 million. We always suspected that Chicks loved Dicks.

Ricky Williams’ season is now over after he tore a chest muscle. If only he had something ion hand to help alleviate his pain.

The Boston Celtics blew out the New York Knicks by 45 points. The only way the game could have been more one-sided is if Isiah Thomas had allowed Spike Lee to play point guard.

South Carolina football coach Steve Spurrier was recently spotted visiting Duke’s campus. Don’t get your hopes up football fans. He was just on his way to a lacrosse party.

St. Louis manager Tony La Russa has pleaded guilty to driving under the influence, eight months after police found him asleep inside his running SUV. No word yet on whether La Russa will also own up to drunken managing after the Cards finished 6 games below .500 this past season.

Harness driver Tim Tetrick has broken the single-season record with his 1,078th victory of the year. Tetrick has been riding his horses so hard this year that they’re already starting to smell like glue.

Blackhawks forward Tuomo Ruutu was detained by police while jogging because he fit the description of an armed robbery suspect. That’s what you get for broadcasting your games on Versus.

HBO is planning to make a film out of Game of Shadows. No word yet on who will play Barry Bonds, although producers seem to be favoring one of the heads from Mount Rushmore.

Ask Ryan - Fore! God And Country

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like NASCAR and feathered mullets. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about Gilbert Arenas' blog, Hank Aaron's early struggles and the best golfer in U.S. Presidential history. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7501428

Funny You Should Ask

Okay Gang, it’s time for this week’s burning question. Everyone always dismisses the intelligence of professional athletes, but which of the following sports contains the most painfully dimwitted jocks?

a. Basketball
b. Baseball
c. Football
d. NASCAR

Please discuss amongst yourselves.

You've Got To Be Joking

Take a load off your feet as you enjoy this week's sports shorts.

Former NHL All-Star Jeremy Roenick announced his retirement recently through a text message. The news came as shock to many observers who didn’t realize Roenick could actually write.

The health of New York owner George Steinbrenner is believed to be declining rapidly. Then again, you’d probably feel ill too if you had to watch the Yankees every day.

Amare Stoudemire's half brother has been identified in connection with the shooting death of a 27-year-old man in Scottsdale. It’s nice to see that high percentage shooting runs in the family.

Washington Nationals Pitcher Jesus Colome has been admitted to hospital with an infection to his right buttocks. I guess that’s what happens when you have your butt kicked all season.

Kobe Bryant apologized to Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak in person after making disparaging comments about the team. It was believed to be an excellent face-to-two-faced meeting.

Grant Hill has signed a two year contract with the Suns. The contract will cost Phoenix $3.8 million in salary and $10 million in physiotherapy expenses.

Olympic leaders have voted to create a Youth Olympics for athletes aged 14-18. The program was approved unanimously by pedophiles around the world.

Major League baseball has confirmed that at least one armed FBI agent will attend each one of Barry Bonds’ games until he breaks Hank Aaron’s homerun record. It’s believed to be the best protection Bonds has had in the order since the Giants got rid of Jeff Kent.

NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series driver Aaron Fike was arrested on charges of possession of heroin. It’s nice to see that NASCAR is finally trying to reach out to an urban audience.