You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Twins have only made one error all year. Two if you count building an outdoor stadium in Minnesota.

The NBA is projecting a higher salary cap than expected. That’s especially good news for Gilbert Arenas, who could use all the bail money he can get his hands on.

The Cubs have sent Carlos Zambrano to the bullpen. Mainly because they can’t send him to the gallows.

Pitcher Stephen Strasburg has been promoted to AAA Syracuse. No word yet on when he’ll be demoted to the Nationals.

USA Swimming has unveiled a multi-step plan to eliminate rampant sexual misconduct within its ranks. Step #1: Stop inviting Ben Roethlisberger to its meets.

Pirates’ pitcher Chris Jakubauskas was recently hit in the head with a line drive. Great, now he’ll never be able to spell his last name.

The NCAA plans to expand March Madness from 65 to 68 teams. That’s great news is you’re a basketball fan and horrible news if your retirement strategy hinges on picking a perfect bracket.

Subway has created a life-size bust of Ndamukong Suh made out of 1,000 slices of pepperoni. We haven’t seen a draft bust that big since Ryan Leaf.

The 2010 NFL Draft is finally over. The three day process lasted longer than the careers of many of the players selected.

ESPN's three-day telecast of the NFL Draft attracted 3.7 million viewers. That sounds impressive until you realize that a video of a cat playing a keyboard has attracted 12 million viewers on YouTube.

Joe Paterno says he has a "gut feeling" that the Pac-10 will expand before the Big Ten. Then again he also had a gut feeling that the British would win the Revolutionary War.

A new study has found that it takes Prince Fielder 21 seconds to round the bases after hitting a homerun. That’s probably because he always stops at second base to have a snack.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama has said that if he wins this fall, he will install a basketball court at the White House. And if John McCain wins, he’ll install a shuffleboard deck.

MetLife Inc. has become the first of five major sponsors for New York’s new Meadowlands stadium. The $15 million deal will certainly help financially, but as Willie Randolph will tell you, Met life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano was lifted from a game against the Rays after tweaking his shoulder. Doctors fear the injury may prevent him from punching out any of his teammates for at least two weeks.

Prince Fielder allegedly owes more than $400,000 in unpaid taxes. Although that may sound like a lot it’s still considerably less than his weekly grocery bill.

Charles Barkley is headed back to Las Vegas to play in a charity poker tournament a month after pledging not to gamble. It’s not as bad as it sounds, though. Barkley will be donating all of his winnings to Hypocrites Anonymous.

An angry Mets fan shipped five chickens to the team's owners to protest the cowardly way in which they fired manager Willie Randolph. On the positive side, two of the birds have already found a regular place in the Mets rotation.

Ron Artest has a new song out in which he freestyles over Alicia Keys' single, No One. It’s a big step forward for a player whose greatest hits have all included Detroit Pistons fans.

Rotund hurler C.C. Sabathia hit a tape-measure home run in a game against the L.A. Dodgers. Sadly, the episode was mired by the three heart attacks he suffered while rounding the bases.

Sports broadcaster Pat Summerall is recovering from an emergency procedure to stop internal bleeding. It’s the first time in medical history that a patient has actually provided play-by-play for his own surgery.

Pacman Jones has informed the media that he wants to be referred to as Adam or Mr. Jones. You have to admit that it will certainly look a lot classier on a police blotter.

Kobe Bryant is headed to China after being selected to the U.S. Olympic team. The Lakers star can barely wait to alienate a whole new continent of fans.

Los Angeles Spark forward Candace Parker became the second woman to dunk in a WNBA game in a 77-63 win over the Indiana Fever. The event was so exhilarating that it brought all three fans to their feet.

You've Got To Be Joking

Kick back as you enjoy this week's sports shorts.

68 percent of voters polled by China Daily want Yi Jianlian to sign with the Bucks. The poll proves two things: 1) Chinese citizens believe strongly in Jianlian’s ability to flourish in the NBA and 2) They’ve obviously never been to Milwaukee.

Antoine Walker and a relative were bound at gunpoint while multiple robbers took a car, cash and jewelry from his Chicago home. It was a particularly terrifying incident because, unlike Walker, the robbers could actually shoot straight.

Longtime major league umpire Shag Crawford has died at the age of 90. On the positive side, there should be no shortage of major league managers willing to kick dirt on his coffin.

Los Angeles Lakers draft pick Marc Gasol has announced he plans on staying in Spain. That’s odd. Usually players meet with Kobe Bryant before wanting to leave the country.

The Carolina Panthers have signed Philippe Gardent, a former member of the French national bobsled team. The signing is expected to come in handy should the Panthers win the Super Bowl and Hell freezes over.

David Wells has been suspended for seven games for his animated argument with an umpire. It could have been worse. He could have eaten him.

Wrigley has signed a deal with the National Basketball Association making it the Official Chewing Gum of the NBA. The partnership is ironic given the fact that half the players in the league can’t walk and chew gum at the same time.

The New York Mets have designated 48-year-old infielder Julio Franco for assignment. It’s still unclear whether his assignment will be in the Minor Leagues or in a nursing home.

The Philadelphia Phillies have become the first club in Major League history to lose 10,000 games. Incidentally, that’s also how many games Tom Glavine may need to pitch before collecting his 300th win.

French long jumper Salim Sdiri was accidentally hit with a javelin at an athletics meet in Rome. It’s believed to be the first time in history that a track and field event has included a hole in one.

Astros manager Phil Garner has said he’s willing to use voodoo to get into the head of Cubs' righthander Carlos Zambrano. Why bother? All Michael Barrett needed was his right fist.