You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Detroit Lions are reportedly on the lookout for a quarterback. In related news, Detroit fans are on the lookout for any kind of money back.

The Oregon Urology Institute is offering a March Madness-related vasectomy event over the next month, so even if your team doesn’t make the cut, you still can.

The Netherlands shocked the world by defeating the Dominican Republic at the WBC. Of course, the real shock is that they were able to play baseball at all in those little wooden shoes.

Ray Lewis has signed a seven-year extension with the Baltimore Ravens. The rest of the country is expected to sleep much more soundly knowing exactly where he is.

The NFL has decided to maintain their tradition of showing a Detroit Lions game on Thanksgiving. After all, you can’t enjoy Thanksgiving without a big turkey.

Pacman Jones reportedly got in a fight during an episode of Pros vs. Joes. Frankly, we’re just impressed that he wasn’t taping an episode of Pros vs. Hoes.

A judge has ruled that Michael Vick must pay his own way to his upcoming bankruptcy hearing. Ironically, he may have to take a Greyhound to get there.

Plaxico Burress recently picked up four traffic tickets in a single day for speeding, improper display of tags, improper lane change and improper window tinting. All things considered, we’d still rather have him behind the wheel than riding shotgun.

The NBA is considering rewriting its traveling rules. That sounds to us like four steps in the right direction.

British Gas has signed a $20.8 million sponsorship deal with the country’s Olympic swim team. We’re curious to see how things work out since oil and water seldom mix.

There’s growing concern that the Sacramento Kings could end up moving to Anaheim. Based on their roster, we’re guessing that concern is coming from Anaheim.

Former WWE wrestler Andrew Martin was recently found dead at his Tampa home after a neighbor reported he appeared motionless for several hours. Police initially dismissed the call since they receive several reports a day just like it regarding John Daly.

Martial arts legend Chuck Norris is considering running for President of Texas. If elected, Norris plans to save money by replacing the electric chair with a swift roundhouse kick.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Boston Red Sox are reportedly interested in signing rotund slugger Prince Fielder. Well, not the Red Sox per se, but the team’s hotdog vendors.

Calgary Flames co-owner Daryl Seamen has died at the age of 86. He is survived by his wife Anita Seamen and his son Dick Seamen.

Pacman Jones plans to sue ESPN over allegations that he arranged to have three men shot at an Atlanta nightclub. It should be thrilling for him to finally be on the other side of a lawsuit. In related news, Pacman Jones has said he believes Cowboys owner Jerry Jones will give him another shot. Unfortunately for Jones it will likely come at the end of .38 revolver.

TNT analyst Charles Barkley is taking a leave of absence from the broadcast chair. The chair is said to be thrilled.

Giants general manager Jerry Reese has said that the team is open to bring back Plaxico Burress. It’s nice to hear they’re going to give him another “shot”.

Jason Giambi has promised to bring his famous gold thong back to Oakland. It’s expected to be the second most useless thing in his locker next to his glove.

A 72-year-old woman recently discovered a rare baseball card from 1869. And no one’s happier than Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer, who thought he’d never see his old rookie card again.

David Beckham recently bought his wife Victoria an $80,000 handbag. Of course, it’s easy to afford accessories like that when you’re a $250 million douchebag yourself.

Northern State’s Don Meyer has become the winningest men’s basketball coach in NCAA history following his 903rd career victory. Any way you slice it, this is a very bad day to be a chair in Bob Knight’s house.

Don King is selling his Florida home. The ocean-front property is easily the most instupetuous, splendificent and ostentacular house on the entire block.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The International Olympic Committee has opened the bidding process for the 2014 Summer Youth Olympic Games. So far the biggest bids seem to be coming from Michael Jackson and R. Kelly.

The Knicks have given the Heat a standing offer of Stephon Marbury for Shawn Marion. Miami is rumored to be holding out for a more appealing trading chip like a measles-encrusted blanket or a plague-infested rat.

Former champion race walker German Skurygin has died of a heart attack at the age of 45. Skurygin will be displayed in an upright coffin to ensure his heels are in constant contact with the ground.

Michael Phelps has been named Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year. We can only pray this doesn’t lead to more acting opportunities.

A Rolls-Royce Phantom owned by Plaxico Burress is being sold on eBay. And unlike Buress, the car’s pistons only fire when they’re supposed to.

The Green Bay Packers have been named the top sporting brand in the U.S. by a leading marketing firm. In fact, just about the only Green Bay-inspired product that isn’t selling well is Packers Fudge.

The NHL has suspended Dallas forward Sean Avery after he made inappropriate comments about his ex-girlfriends. You know your sport is being mismanaged when Elisha Cuthbert and Rachel Hunter receive more protection than many of your goalies.

The Cowboys plan to use Pacman Jones on punt returns. We can only hope he treats his blockers better than his bodyguards.

Nittany Lion mascot James D. Sheep has been charged with driving under the influence. The school’s football squad has run afoul of the law on so many occasions that Penn State now has more repeat offenders than the State Pen.

Members of the Tampa Bay Rays were recently given $223,390 each for participating in the 2008 World Series. It’s nice to hear that Stephon Marbury isn’t the only loser who’s getting a big pay check.

Alex Rodriguez and Madonna are currently vacationing in Mexico City. Now comes the hard part: convincing him to stay there.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Green Bay Packers are crying poor after clearing just $21 million last season. Things are so dire, they might have to start eating those giant cheese heads.

San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Nolan recently visited military personnel serving in Kabul, Afghanistan. It was a natural setting for Nolan since he’s used to coming under heavy fire.

Pacman Jones has informed the media that he no longer wants to be referred to by his nickname. Instead, he will answer to "Adam," "Mr. Jones," or "Prisoner No. 345279.”

A horse trained by Rick Dutrow has tested positive for twice the allowable level of Clenbuterol, a bronchodilator that helps burn fat and promote muscle growth. Why do horses know about this drug and John Daly doesn’t?

A photo taken during the early stages of the Belmont Stakes shows that Big Brown was running with a loose shoe. Given his poor finish it must have been a stiletto.

The Toronto Raptors have agreed to trade T.J. Ford to the Indiana Pacers for Jermaine O’Neal. The deal will also include center Rasho Nesterovic, a first round draft pick and 3,000 pages of medical documentation.

John Daly and Kid Rock teamed up yesterday at the Buick Open pro-am. It’s unclear who was left in charge of the trailer park while they were out.

China's top backstroker Ouyang Kunpeng has been banned for life for failing a doping test. Terms of the ban are so restrictive that Kunpeng won’t even be allowed to wash his face without permission.

Willie Randolph has been informed he’ll be replaced by Cubs manager Lou Piniella on the coaching staff for next month's All-Star game. And here’s a shocker, he was actually told about it during the daytime.

Warren Sapp says he plans to accept an offer to appear on Dancing with the Stars. Now it’s up to producers to find a woman with a 7’8” wingspan so she can wrap her arms around his waist.

David Beckham recently admitted on his blog that he's astonished by the reaction his new underwear ads for Emporio Armani are generating. "To be honest, I was amazed by the huge billboard poster outside Macy's department store, but even more amazed by the amount of people who turned up to see it!" he said. Frankly, we're just amazed that David Beckham knows how to write.

Talking Points - Shaq Attack

Welcome back for another edition of Talking Points, a handy cheat sheet designed to help you hold your own in any water cooler discussion. In this week’s column, I'll examine Shaq’s rap, Pacman Jones’ new identity and the U.S. men’s Olympic basketball team. Read all about it here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama has said that if he wins this fall, he will install a basketball court at the White House. And if John McCain wins, he’ll install a shuffleboard deck.

MetLife Inc. has become the first of five major sponsors for New York’s new Meadowlands stadium. The $15 million deal will certainly help financially, but as Willie Randolph will tell you, Met life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano was lifted from a game against the Rays after tweaking his shoulder. Doctors fear the injury may prevent him from punching out any of his teammates for at least two weeks.

Prince Fielder allegedly owes more than $400,000 in unpaid taxes. Although that may sound like a lot it’s still considerably less than his weekly grocery bill.

Charles Barkley is headed back to Las Vegas to play in a charity poker tournament a month after pledging not to gamble. It’s not as bad as it sounds, though. Barkley will be donating all of his winnings to Hypocrites Anonymous.

An angry Mets fan shipped five chickens to the team's owners to protest the cowardly way in which they fired manager Willie Randolph. On the positive side, two of the birds have already found a regular place in the Mets rotation.

Ron Artest has a new song out in which he freestyles over Alicia Keys' single, No One. It’s a big step forward for a player whose greatest hits have all included Detroit Pistons fans.

Rotund hurler C.C. Sabathia hit a tape-measure home run in a game against the L.A. Dodgers. Sadly, the episode was mired by the three heart attacks he suffered while rounding the bases.

Sports broadcaster Pat Summerall is recovering from an emergency procedure to stop internal bleeding. It’s the first time in medical history that a patient has actually provided play-by-play for his own surgery.

Pacman Jones has informed the media that he wants to be referred to as Adam or Mr. Jones. You have to admit that it will certainly look a lot classier on a police blotter.

Kobe Bryant is headed to China after being selected to the U.S. Olympic team. The Lakers star can barely wait to alienate a whole new continent of fans.

Los Angeles Spark forward Candace Parker became the second woman to dunk in a WNBA game in a 77-63 win over the Indiana Fever. The event was so exhilarating that it brought all three fans to their feet.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

New Reports suggest that Roger Clemens had a decade-long relationship with country star Mindy McCready that began when she was 15-years-old. Something tells us that’s not what the Red Sox had in mind when they began their youth mentoring program.

An umpire who took a 96 mph fastball to the right side of his jaw was released from a hospital, hours after briefly losing consciousness. Authorities have since labeled the case assault by a battery.

The University at Buffalo’s top basketball player has been suspended indefinitely by the school for posting an ad on the Internet offering to pay someone to write a course paper. Come on, he’s an athlete; shouldn’t people be writing his papers for free?

Two jockeys have been inducted into the Horse Racing Hall of Fame. It’s one of the few places in the world where you actually have to be shorter than the Charley Brown cut-out in order to get in.

Golfer Colin Montgomerie married his longtime sweetheart over the weekend in what many pundits labeled the number one Scottish social event of the year. Sadly, the second most popular event involved a bottle of Scotch and a pair of sheep.

Jose Canseco spent more than three hours with federal agents yesterday discussing the alleged steroid use of Roger Clemens, Miguel Tejada and Alex Rodriquez. It’s believed to be the longest Canseco has ever gone without talking about himself.

A published report suggests that the Cubs may have thrown the 1918 World Series. Based on their performance ever since we’re guessing they probably threw it like a girl.

The Titans have finally traded Adam “Pacman” Jones him to the Cowboys. Dallas’s strippers are delighted with the news.

The Chicago Cubs defeated the Colorado Rockies to record their 10,000th win. Mind you, the Cubs are such losers they could win 10,000 games in a season and still finish a half game out of the playoffs.

North Carolina's Tyler Hansbrough has announced he will return for his senior year. A 6-foot-9 forward, Hansbrough last season averaged averaged 22.6 points, 10.2 rebounds and 3.4 blinks per game.

Nuggets coach George Karl is reportedly on the radar of Knicks president Donnie Walsh. Then again, at 250 lbs. Karl is on EVERYONE’S radar.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Miami Heat have been tabbed to play several preseason games in Europe next October as part of NBA Europe Live 2008. The showcase is intended to show foreign fans that absolutely anyone can play basketball.

NFL owners are considering a proposal to ban players from having hair obscure the names on their jerseys. Luckily for offensive linemen, the potential policy does not include back hair.

Denver center Nene had to shake off the cobwebs in his first game back after undergoing surgery to remove a malignant testicular tumor. The 6’11 Brazilian attributed his rustiness to not handling enough balls during his layoff.

The Dallas Cowboys are continuing to pursue Titans cornerback Pacman Jones. Their latest offer is believed to include a seventh round draft pick, a player to be named later, a medley of fruit and thousands of tiny power pellets.

Rain, lightning and thunder forced the suspension of third-round play at the Zurich Classic. The foul weather proved for the first time this year that Tiger Woods isn’t the only force of nature that can take over a golf tournament.

Former NBA player Isaiah Rider must appear in court next month after being arrested for driving a stolen car. If he isn’t more careful he could start giving guys named Isaiah a bad name.

This just in: UNC center Tyler Hansbrough may have finally blinked. We’ll keep you posted as more details become available.

The Miami Heat scored only 17 baskets in an 88-62 loss to the Celtics. On the positive side, the WNBA has expressed interest in adding them as an expansion franchise.

Australian Olympic swimmer Nick D'Arcy was charged Monday with assault following a nightclub altercation in Sydney. Apparently swimming isn’t the only thing he does like a fish.

Chinese President Hu Jintao presided over the re-lighting of the Olympic torch Monday in Beijing. And here’s the really good news: not a single Tibetan was set on fire during the incident.

Commissioner Bud Selig has confirmed that Major League Baseball is hard at work on a more reliable HGH test. The new test will completely do away with science and simply flag any player who resembles his own bobblehead.