You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tony LaRusso has picked up his 2,500th victory. In all fairness, half of those have been against the Nationals.

Spanish point guard Ricky Rubio recently became ill after visiting Sacramento. Just wait until he sees Detroit.

The Minnesota Timberwolves have fired Kevin McHale, telling him they plan to go in a different direction. And by different direction, they mean “up.”

Alex Ovechkin has been named the NHL’s MVP for the second straight year. The honor entitles him to a free breakfast at the Denny’s of his choosing.

Dontrelle Willis has been placed on the 15-day disabled list with an anxiety disorder. We’d be nervous too if we had to spend a whole summer in Detroit.

Lou Pinella would like to have beer back in the Cubs clubhouse. Based on some of his managerial decisions we assumed it already was.

Rains forced another lengthy delay at the U.S. Open. On the positive side, it’s the first shower John Daly has had in weeks.

The Washington Wizards have inquired about Larry Hughes and Jared Jeffries. In both cases they were wondering if they were still alive.

Vin Baker has signed with Marinos de Anzoategui of Puerto Rico. It’s unclear whether that’s a basketball team or a family-friendly Mexican restaurant.

Iowa offensive lineman Kyle Calloway has been arrested and charged with operating a moped while intoxicated. On the positive side, he did set a new record for the slowest police chase ever.

A Ryan Leaf autographed jersey is currently selling for $449.99 on NFL.com. The uniform is so valuable since no one knew Leaf could actually write. For those of you on a budget, you can save $450 and get his signature simply by becoming his prison pen pal.

Rotund rebounder Oliver Miller would like to get back into the NBA. He’d also like to get back into a size 46 waist, but that probably won’t happen either.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tigers pitcher Dontrelle Willis has been placed on the DL with an anxiety disorder. You’d be nervous too if your team’s key off-season acquisition was Adam Everett.

Kevin Durant has said he wants to be in Oklahoma for a long time. Then again, even a week feels like a long time in Oklahoma.

Plaxico Burress is allegedly frightened of spending the next three and a half years in jail. Then again, show me someone who isn’t scared of going to prison and I’ll show you someone whose sphincter sees more traffic than the Holland Tunnel.

Jerry West has rejected the Los Angeles Clippers’ request to help turn around their franchise. Instead, West plans to focus on a far less challenging project like turning Smurfs into gold.

Professional golfer Annika Sorenstam is reportedly pregnant with her first child. For those of you keeping score at home, credit her husband Mike McGee with a hole in one.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell wants to expand the season to 18 games. His proposal has been received warmly by fans across America, including thousands of sadomasochists living in Detroit.

Former Kentucky Derby winner Alysheba was euthanized over the weekend. In related news, Wal-Mart will have glue on sale all week long.

NBA owners have approved a rule change whereby teams that have an extra player on the court will now receive a technical foul. The change could be devastating for the Sacramento Kings who have been playing with nine men at a time just to stay competitive.

The Detroit Tigers have upset some Roman Catholics who are unhappy that the club's home opener against the Rangers is scheduled during holy hours on Good Friday. We can hardly wait to see their reaction when Texas nails their pitching staff.

Joba Chamberlain’s fastball is nearly 10 miles per hour slower than it was last year. If it drops off anymore the Yankees are going to have to start timing it with a calendar.

Michael Vick has reportedly been working on a book while in prison. In fact, it should be completely colored in another week.

A minor league baseball club is selling a 1.7 pound hamburger that comes with lettuce, tomato, nacho cheese, chili, salsa and crunched tortilla chips. In related news, David Wells has just signed with the team.