You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Lindsay Lohan recently told reporters that she’s a huge fan of Formula One. In all fairness, Lindsay Lohan is a huge fan of anything with a cockpit.

David Wells has criticized the Yankees over their handling of Joba Chamberlain. And if there’s one thing Wells knows it’s how to handle a boozing, overweight pitcher.

A judge has allowed a man to be temporarily released from jail so he can see the Red Sox play the Royals. In the end, the judge felt watching Kansas City play nine innings was equivalent to at least two years in prison.

The Nationals have become the first team in the Major Leagues to lose 100 games. The accomplishment is especially impressive since they’ve only played 95.

The Timberwolves are trying to trade backup center Mark Blount. Anyone with a bag of basketballs or a jug of Gatorade is encouraged to inquire within.

Bobby Cox has agreed to a one-year contract for 2010. Apparently the Internet isn’t the only place where you can get a Cox extension.

Cowboys left tackle Flozell Adams has been fined $12,500 for kicking two New York Giants. In his defense, you’d probably have some anger issues too if your parents named you Flozell.

Russia’s wealthiest man has struck a deal to buy the New Jersey Nets. Apparently being the wealthiest man in Russia isn’t the same thing as being the smartest man in Russia.

Michael Vick recently admitted he thought he’d return as a starter. Those who understand karma thought he’s return as a dung beetle.

Delonte West is expected to join the Cavaliers after being arrested for carrying two concealed handguns and a shotgun. That’s just what the team needs, another shoot-first point guard.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tigers pitcher Dontrelle Willis has been placed on the DL with an anxiety disorder. You’d be nervous too if your team’s key off-season acquisition was Adam Everett.

Kevin Durant has said he wants to be in Oklahoma for a long time. Then again, even a week feels like a long time in Oklahoma.

Plaxico Burress is allegedly frightened of spending the next three and a half years in jail. Then again, show me someone who isn’t scared of going to prison and I’ll show you someone whose sphincter sees more traffic than the Holland Tunnel.

Jerry West has rejected the Los Angeles Clippers’ request to help turn around their franchise. Instead, West plans to focus on a far less challenging project like turning Smurfs into gold.

Professional golfer Annika Sorenstam is reportedly pregnant with her first child. For those of you keeping score at home, credit her husband Mike McGee with a hole in one.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell wants to expand the season to 18 games. His proposal has been received warmly by fans across America, including thousands of sadomasochists living in Detroit.

Former Kentucky Derby winner Alysheba was euthanized over the weekend. In related news, Wal-Mart will have glue on sale all week long.

NBA owners have approved a rule change whereby teams that have an extra player on the court will now receive a technical foul. The change could be devastating for the Sacramento Kings who have been playing with nine men at a time just to stay competitive.

The Detroit Tigers have upset some Roman Catholics who are unhappy that the club's home opener against the Rangers is scheduled during holy hours on Good Friday. We can hardly wait to see their reaction when Texas nails their pitching staff.

Joba Chamberlain’s fastball is nearly 10 miles per hour slower than it was last year. If it drops off anymore the Yankees are going to have to start timing it with a calendar.

Michael Vick has reportedly been working on a book while in prison. In fact, it should be completely colored in another week.

A minor league baseball club is selling a 1.7 pound hamburger that comes with lettuce, tomato, nacho cheese, chili, salsa and crunched tortilla chips. In related news, David Wells has just signed with the team.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Lingerie Bowl has been cancelled due to a conflict over the amount of nudity allowed in the event. On the positive side, football fans can still look forward to seeing the Cardinals thoroughly undressed this Sunday.

Charlotte forward Gerald Wallace suffered a partially collapsed lung in a game against the Celtics. Luckily he plays for the Bobcats so he’s used to dealing with sudden collapses.

Former NBA player Corie Blount was recently busted with 11 pounds of marijuana. Or, as Ricky Williams calls it, a single serving.

Washington Capitals star Alex Ovechkin had to leave a game against the Bruins after being hit by Boston defenseman Zdeno Chara. Not since the days of Jesus Christ has someone made this much news simply for being nailed into a board.

NASCAR is planning on removing pit stops from its popular World Truck Series races. The change means that drivers will now have to wait until AFTER the race is over to resume making-out with their cousins.

The Dallas Cowboys might fine tight end Martellus Bennett for an offensive rap video he posted on YouTube. Of course, if bad rap were really a crime Vanilla Ice would have been sentenced to the electric chair years ago.

Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain recently told reporters that Fenway Park smells like “70-year-old Pine Sol.” Those are strong words for a man who smells like a beer and bratwurst fart himself.

Lakers forward Trevor Ariza remains "slightly impaired" from a concussion he sustained against the Bobcats. In other words, he’s now just like every other player in the NBA.

Bobby Bowden has signed a one-year contract to coach a 34th season at Florida State. Bowden has been at the school so long he remembers when football players actually had to write their own exams.

Aaron Heilman has been traded from Seattle to the Chicago Cubs, just seven weeks after the Mets shipped him to the Mariners. On the positive side, if Heilman gets traded once more this month he’ll officially have enough frequent flyers miles to visit the moon.

An 11-year-old bullfighter in Mexico set a new record by slaying six young bulls in one appearance. That’s nothing; NBA teams have been slaying 12 young Bulls every night for the last three seasons.

Former NFL star Michael Strahan has been chosen to host the fourth season of Spike TV’s “Pros vs. Joes.” The show is not to be confused with “Pros vs. Hoes” which is a documentary about the Minnesota Vikings’ 2005 boat cruise.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig hopes to shorten the postseason by two or three days next season. Unless, of course, the Red Sox or Yankees are in it, in which case he’ll extend it by a month.

The Police Athletic League have named Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain their 2008 Athlete of the Year. Apparently Joba isn’t the only one who’s been drinking too much lately.

The Colorado Rockies have expressed interest in hiring Willie Randolph. Unfortunately they’ll have to contact him in person since he unplugged his phone nearly three months ago.

Swedish fans delayed a pro hockey game by littering the ice with dildos. In many ways it was just like watching a regular hockey game, only with fewer dickheads.

The Florida Marlins are talking trades. Specifically, they’d like to trade their fans for ones that actually give a damn.

Michael Phelps has been spotted with Hugh Hefner’s ex girlfriend, Holly Madison. Apparently she wanted a guy with slightly more active swimmers.

Albert Pujols was presented with the Roberto Clemente Award in Philadelphia. The St. Louis slugger opted to play it safe by driving to the ceremony.

Tom Brady was spotted checking out a $145,000 engagement ring in Beverly Hills. Given the state of his injury, it might be the last ring he ever gets.

The NBA’s GMs have selected Michael Beasley to win the league’s Rookie of the Year award over Greg Oden in a preseason poll conducted at NBA.com. On the positive side, Oden was chosen as the Player Most Likely to Receive a Senior Citizen’s Discount at his Local Multiplex.

The Tampa Bay Rays have set a new postseason record for steals in the month of October. The last time Florida was involved in this much blatant thievery was the 2000 presidential elections.

David Wright and Carlos Delgado were recently granted pistol permits. No word yet on whether members of the Mets bullpen are in immediate jeopardy.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Cleveland guard Delonte West is reportedly dealing with depression. Now he finally knows what it feels like to be a Cavs fan.

The Pittsburgh Pirates have hired Joe Kerrigan to be their new pitching coach. Kerrigan will replace Jeff Andrews, who left due to shell shock.

Sources report that Yankees star Joba Chamberlain was recently heckled at a Nebraska strip club. After all, he was blocking the view of 27 patrons.

Kobe Bryant hyper extended his right knee in a game against the Bobcats. The rest of the NBA can hardly wait to add insult to injury.

Alex Rodriguez is close to purchasing an $80 penthouse apartment in Manhattan. The 5,200 square foot pad has four bedrooms – one for A-Rod and three for his ego.

Willie Randolph is expected to be among the leading candidates for the Brewers' managerial vacancy. Randolph can barely wait for the 3:00 am phone call telling him he has the job.

Los Angeles guard Baron Davis sprained his ring finger. Luckily he isn’t expected to need it as long as he stays with the Clippers.

The NBA will expand its use of instant replay this season. In related news, the NBA will expand its use of instant replay this season.

New York Jets fans are bidding as much as $65,000 for seat licenses in the team’s new stadium. You know the economy’s out of whack when a single seat is fetching more than most of the houses in New Jersey.

Two University of Georgia football players have been arrested, bringing the total since January to 10. On the positive side, Georgia’s prison system is now just a quarterback and a left tackle away from being able to compete in the NCAA.

Patriots QB Matt Cassel threw three touchdown passes in a 41-7 win over the Broncos. The USC grad was so impressive that Gisele Bundchen was spotted giving him her phone number following the game.

Jose Canseco has agreed to fight Danny Bonaduce in a Celebrity Boxing Federation bout in January.The announcement has come as a shock to many observers who didn’t realize Jose Canseco was still a celebrity.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tom Brady could miss the rest of the season after being hit on the left leg by Chiefs safety Bernard Pollard. On the positive side, two months of bed rest isn’t quite so daunting when that bed features Gisele Bundchen.

Stephon Marbury's cousin has written an autobiography ripping the Knicks guard for his selfish me-first attitude. Marbury has said he doesn't mind the criticism, he's just upset he isn't on the cover.

Magic center Dwight Howard reportedly used 189,000 gallons of water in July. If you spent that much time around Kobe Bryant you’d want to take a lot of showers too.

Dodgers second baseman Jeff Kent had arthroscopic surgery on his left knee yesterday. The procedure took only 20 minutes, but doctors reported that Kent’s whining made it feel like three hours.

Carmelo Anthony will throw out the first pitch at a Baltimore Orioles game this Sunday. The Nuggets forward will also be available to throw out the first punch in the event of a bench-clearing brawl.

Bulgaria’s women's hockey team lost to Croatia yesterday by a score of 82-0. Just to clarify, they were playing against the country’s women’s hockey team and not, in fact, the entire country.

Oklahoma City's new NBA franchise will be called the Thunder. The name was chosen over Absolute Zero, another meteorological term which instead will be used to refer to the team's win total.

A New Jersey man has been arrested for impersonating Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain. Authorities first suspected he was a fraud when he went an entire week without getting injured.

An Illinois kindergartner made history yesterday by hitting a hole in one. Sadly his victory was short-lived when he had to lay down five year's worth of allowance to buy a round of drinks in the clubhouse.

A teleconference between the media and Central Florida football coach George O'Leary was canceled Monday because school officials accidentally gave the number for a phone sex line instead of the teleconference number. Members of the media initially became suspicious since the answer to every one of their questions was “Yes, yes, YES!!!”

NBA rookies Mario Chalmers and Darrell Arthur were tossed out of a seminar on the importance of character and image after league officials discovered women and marijuana in their hotel room. On the positive side, the two players are expected to pass their upcoming seminar on irony with flying colors.

Newly acquired Detroit running back Rudi Johnson claims former Detroit running back Tatum Bell stole two of his bags from the team’s locker room. Most players usually have to spend at least one week with the Lions before experiencing their first loss.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Yankees employees have unearthed a tattered and torn Red Sox jersey that was buried beneath the new stadium’s concrete. The shirt had so many holes in it that observers first mistook it for the Yankees pitching staff.

Browns wide receiver Joe Jurevicius has become the sixth Browns player in four years to suffer a major staph infection. At least the Browns are finally leading the NFL in something.

Yankees reliever Joba Chamberlain has left the team to be with his ailing father in Nebraska. Perhaps his father would feel better if he didn’t insist on watching the Yankees.

Greg Maddux posted his 349th career victory in a 1-0 win over the Dodgers. It’s an impressive feat for a man whose fastball is so slow it takes three innings just to get to home plate.

It appears as though Larry Krystkowiak’s days in Milwaukee could be numbered. Luckily the Bucks coach can always sell a few vowels if times get tough.

Federal authorities are investigating a former Cowboys offensive lineman for allegedly distributing steroids. Officials hope to wrap up the case shortly so they can return to their regular job of keeping an eye on the Cincinnati Bengals.

Former first baseman Bill Buckner received a warm reception from Boston fans this week during a visit to Fenway Park. It’s easy to cheer a guy when the only things going between his legs are a bucket of popcorn and a beer.

China has uncovered a plot by members of a Muslim minority group to sabotage the Beijing Summer Olympics. It remains to be seen how they could do a better job undermining the Olympics than China has already done.

Brett Favre has suggested he may return to the Green Bay Packers if quarterback Aaron Rodgers goes down with an injury. In related news, John Madden was spotted in Rodgers’ house placing hundreds of tiny marbles at the top of his staircase.

Minnesota Vikings great Carl Eller has been charged with assault on a police officer, impaired driving and making terroristic threats. Or as the Bengals call it, a trifecta!

Milwaukee Bucks forward Desmond Mason has gone on record claiming his team needs to work on their chemistry. Based on the way Milwaukee have been shooting they may also want to work on their physics.

A new batch of emails suggests the Seattle SuperSonics may have been talking to Oklahoma City as early as 2007 about possible relocation plans. The news comes as a shock to many observers who didn’t realize Oklahoma City even had electricity.