You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Pirates won their Opening Day matchup against the Dodgers. It’s expected to be their longest winning streak of the season.

UCONN celebrated long into the night after winning their second straight championship. We haven’t seen a group of lesbians that happy since Melissa Ethridge announced her last tour.

Martina Navratilova has been diagnosed with breast cancer. The news comes as a shock to many observers who didn’t realize that Martina Navratilova was actually a woman.

Kenyon Martin’s teammates recently filled his car with several pounds of buttered popcorn. In related news, Kenyon Martin’s teammates have been missing since Sunday.

Brett Favre has become a grandfather. Just like the Vikings, someone else did all the work but he’s taking all the credit.

Blues forward Keith Tkachuk will retire after the season. The 38-year-old will finish his career with 538 goals, 525 assists and a zero recognition factor outside of St. Louis.

Five Kentucky players have declared for the NBA Draft. It’s a tremendous gamble considering many of them will now have to take a pay cut.

The Charlotte Bobcats have locked up their first playoff berth in franchise history. Both of the team’s fans are thrilled.

Tim Lincecum says he still wears the same hat that he made his Major League debut in. It could be worse: he could still be wearing the same cup that he made his Little League debut in.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

David Stern has asked Mark Cuban to apologize more directly to Kenyon Martin's mother. While he’s at it he may also want to apologize to anyone who’s ever wasted five minutes of their life reading his blog.

Michael Phelps won his first two events at the Charlotte UltraSwim. It’s nice to hear he’s smoking the competition for a change.

Tony Romo was recently spotted leaving a steakhouse in Dallas carrying a bottle of 21-year-old single malt Scotch. We hope for his sake the Scotch has aged better than Jessica Simpson.

Former NBA star Corrie Blount has been sentenced to one year in prison after being caught with 29 pounds of marijuana. Or, as Ricky Williams calls it, a single serving.

Federal investigators recently questioned Jose Canseco’s high school baseball coach. Not about steroids, they just wanted to know how anyone could stand to be around him for four full years.

Chad Johnson received some good news and some bad news today. The good news is the NFL has agreed to allow him to have the name Ochocinco on the back of his jersey. The bad news is the front of the jersey will still feature the name Bengals.

The Minnesota Timberwolves are interested in bringing back Kevin McHale. After all, he IS the team’s second best forward.

Anaheim Ducks GM Bob Murray accidentally hit a woman with a chair following his team’s loss to the Red Wings. The incident is expected to fetch him 2,000 minutes in the penalty box.

The Yankees are selling containers of game-used dirt to their fans. Wow, and I thought New York was only losing ground in the standings.

Jerry Bruckheimer is interested in buying the Sacramento Kings. Luckily his experience directing Pearl Harbor has prepared him well for epic disasters.