You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Michael Phelps was recently spotted at a Baltimore Orioles game. It’s the clearest indication yet that he’s back on drugs.

Veteran coach Joe Paterno would like to see the Big Ten expand. That’s hardly surprising since he was also a big proponent for the U.S. adding a 14th state.

Roger Goodell and Ben Roethlisberger recently met for several hours in New York. Something tells us it probably wasn’t at a Hooters.

Fred Lewis scooped the media by announcing he had been traded via Facebook. The 30-year-old outfielder went onto state that he liked bananas and that he would be removing “Glass Tiger” from his list of favorite bands.

Health Subcommittee chairman Frank Pallone believes smokeless tobacco has no place in Major League Baseball. Then again, neither do the Nationals and they’re still allowed to play.

Edmonton has won the NHL draft lottery. The Oilers have narrowed down their choices between someone you’ve never heard of and someone whose name you’ll never be able to pronounce.

Creed singer Scott Stapp has recorded a song for the Florida Marlins. Haven’t their fans already suffered enough?

A high school in Texas is getting a new $60 million football stadium. It’s the most money spent on an amateur team since the NFL approved the sale of the Rams.

Jay-Z is suing David Ortiz, claiming the Red Sox star named his new nightclub after the mogul's chain of 40/40 clubs. The difference is that Jay-Z’s name refers to homeruns and steals while Ortiz’s name refers to the size of his breasts and hips.

Congress wants Major League Baseball to ban smokeless tobacco. Fans simply want Major League Baseball to ban the Orioles.

Bobby Valentines believes the Mets managerial job is not in his future. Given how he screwed it up the first time he probably wishes it wasn’t in his past either.

Getting Animated

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. In this week’s installment we take aim at Manny Ramirez, Michael Phelps, David Ortiz, Ryan Zimmerman, John Lackey, Alex Rodriguez, Pete Rose, Jose Canseco and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

David Stern has asked Mark Cuban to apologize more directly to Kenyon Martin's mother. While he’s at it he may also want to apologize to anyone who’s ever wasted five minutes of their life reading his blog.

Michael Phelps won his first two events at the Charlotte UltraSwim. It’s nice to hear he’s smoking the competition for a change.

Tony Romo was recently spotted leaving a steakhouse in Dallas carrying a bottle of 21-year-old single malt Scotch. We hope for his sake the Scotch has aged better than Jessica Simpson.

Former NBA star Corrie Blount has been sentenced to one year in prison after being caught with 29 pounds of marijuana. Or, as Ricky Williams calls it, a single serving.

Federal investigators recently questioned Jose Canseco’s high school baseball coach. Not about steroids, they just wanted to know how anyone could stand to be around him for four full years.

Chad Johnson received some good news and some bad news today. The good news is the NFL has agreed to allow him to have the name Ochocinco on the back of his jersey. The bad news is the front of the jersey will still feature the name Bengals.

The Minnesota Timberwolves are interested in bringing back Kevin McHale. After all, he IS the team’s second best forward.

Anaheim Ducks GM Bob Murray accidentally hit a woman with a chair following his team’s loss to the Red Wings. The incident is expected to fetch him 2,000 minutes in the penalty box.

The Yankees are selling containers of game-used dirt to their fans. Wow, and I thought New York was only losing ground in the standings.

Jerry Bruckheimer is interested in buying the Sacramento Kings. Luckily his experience directing Pearl Harbor has prepared him well for epic disasters.

Getting Animated

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. This week’s installment takes aim at Alex Rodriguez, Michael Phelps, Joba Chamberlain, Kurt Warner, Mike Tyson, Roberto Alomar, Daryl Strawberry, NASCAR, and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The West throttled the East 146-119 at the NBA’s All-Star Game. Thankfully the only one harmed was the clown Craig Sager killed for his outfit.

Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant shared a single trophy after being named co-MVPs of the NBA All-Star Game. Suddenly peace in the Middle East doesn’t seem so far off.

Congress has no plan to hold a hearing with Alex Rodriguez. You know your popularity is plummeting when not even bureaucrats want to spend time with you.

In related news, the University of Miami is going ahead with plans to name their new baseball complex Alex Rodriguez Stadium. Apparently Arrogant Roid Monkey Field wouldn’t fit on the signage.

Members of a Marijuana advocacy group have written a strongly worded letter to Kellogg after the company cut ties with Michael Phelps. Kellogg doesn’t appear to be taking the letter seriously since it was written with Alphaghetti.

Elgin Baylor is suing the Los Angeles Clippers for employment discrimination. Let’s hope for their sake they’re a little better in a court than they are on one.

A man has been sentenced to jail after impersonating Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain. Authorities first suspected the man was a fraud after noticing he consumed only 10,000 calories per meal.

Daryl Strawberry has just written his first book. He would have finished sooner but he was stuck on Chapter 11 for the better part of a decade.

PETA activists showed up at Madison Square Garden this week dressed in KKK outfits to protest the breeding practices of The American Kennel Club. The venerable old building hasn’t seen a display that offensive since the Knick’s last home game.

Mike Tyson plans to publish a tell-all memoir. It promises to be the first book ever written entirely in monosyllables.

Former pitcher Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd is interested in returning to the Major Leagues. It’s an ambitious plan for a man who’s so old he took his driver’s test on a dinosaur.

San Diego Padres reliever Heath Bell has credited his Nintendo Wii Fit game for helping him lose 25 pounds. Wow, and we thought admitting to steroids was pathetic.

Getting Animated

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. This week’s installment takes aim at Michael Phelps, Alex Rodriguez, Kobe Bryant, Kurt Warner, Tony Romo, Joe Torre, Roger Clemens, Adam Morrison and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The International Olympic Committee has opened the bidding process for the 2014 Summer Youth Olympic Games. So far the biggest bids seem to be coming from Michael Jackson and R. Kelly.

The Knicks have given the Heat a standing offer of Stephon Marbury for Shawn Marion. Miami is rumored to be holding out for a more appealing trading chip like a measles-encrusted blanket or a plague-infested rat.

Former champion race walker German Skurygin has died of a heart attack at the age of 45. Skurygin will be displayed in an upright coffin to ensure his heels are in constant contact with the ground.

Michael Phelps has been named Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year. We can only pray this doesn’t lead to more acting opportunities.

A Rolls-Royce Phantom owned by Plaxico Burress is being sold on eBay. And unlike Buress, the car’s pistons only fire when they’re supposed to.

The Green Bay Packers have been named the top sporting brand in the U.S. by a leading marketing firm. In fact, just about the only Green Bay-inspired product that isn’t selling well is Packers Fudge.

The NHL has suspended Dallas forward Sean Avery after he made inappropriate comments about his ex-girlfriends. You know your sport is being mismanaged when Elisha Cuthbert and Rachel Hunter receive more protection than many of your goalies.

The Cowboys plan to use Pacman Jones on punt returns. We can only hope he treats his blockers better than his bodyguards.

Nittany Lion mascot James D. Sheep has been charged with driving under the influence. The school’s football squad has run afoul of the law on so many occasions that Penn State now has more repeat offenders than the State Pen.

Members of the Tampa Bay Rays were recently given $223,390 each for participating in the 2008 World Series. It’s nice to hear that Stephon Marbury isn’t the only loser who’s getting a big pay check.

Alex Rodriguez and Madonna are currently vacationing in Mexico City. Now comes the hard part: convincing him to stay there.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

John Wayne Bobbitt was recently dropped from a celebrity boxing card after failing several blood pressure tests. It’s certainly not the first time in his life he’s been unexpectedly cut.

Tony Romo recently took a homeless man to a movie. It’s not as generous as it sounds, though. The movie was High School Musical 3.

Upper Deck playing cards have begun offering strands of Abraham Lincoln’s hair. The company was originally going to offer Bill Clinton’s DNA but he’s been giving that away for free for years.

Syracuse handed Notre Dame its fifth loss of the season. Charlie Weis’ team has been so bad they’re considering changing their name to the Passive Aggressive Irish.

The Florida Marlins have received approval for a new downtown stadium. The proposed structure is expected to have a giant video screen, a retractable roof and seating for all five of the team’s fans.

The White Sox have reached a tentative agreement with 19-year-old Cuban star Dayan Viciedo. The infielder should have no problem passing his physical given the fact he swam all the way from Havana to Key West.

Players on FC Copenhagen are being offered two free adult movies every time they win on the pitch. If nothing else, the films should really help them with their ball handling.

A die hard San Francisco sports fan recently got a huge tattoo of Barry Bonds on his back. Fittingly, the tattoo took five needles to complete.

Texas Tech defeated East Central by a lopsided score of 167-115. The last time the Red Raiders were involved in a beating that profound it involved Bobby Knight and a belt.

A new cable Ski Channel is scheduled to launch on Christmas Day. It should all be downhill from there.

Lab technicians from the World Anti-Doping Agency are currently testing Viagra for its use as a performance-enhancing drug. You’d definitely want to knock twice before you entered that lab.

Subway has agreed to a long-term partnership with Michael Phelps to promote their 12 foot long party subs. Or as Phelps calls them, breakfast.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig hopes to shorten the postseason by two or three days next season. Unless, of course, the Red Sox or Yankees are in it, in which case he’ll extend it by a month.

The Police Athletic League have named Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain their 2008 Athlete of the Year. Apparently Joba isn’t the only one who’s been drinking too much lately.

The Colorado Rockies have expressed interest in hiring Willie Randolph. Unfortunately they’ll have to contact him in person since he unplugged his phone nearly three months ago.

Swedish fans delayed a pro hockey game by littering the ice with dildos. In many ways it was just like watching a regular hockey game, only with fewer dickheads.

The Florida Marlins are talking trades. Specifically, they’d like to trade their fans for ones that actually give a damn.

Michael Phelps has been spotted with Hugh Hefner’s ex girlfriend, Holly Madison. Apparently she wanted a guy with slightly more active swimmers.

Albert Pujols was presented with the Roberto Clemente Award in Philadelphia. The St. Louis slugger opted to play it safe by driving to the ceremony.

Tom Brady was spotted checking out a $145,000 engagement ring in Beverly Hills. Given the state of his injury, it might be the last ring he ever gets.

The NBA’s GMs have selected Michael Beasley to win the league’s Rookie of the Year award over Greg Oden in a preseason poll conducted at NBA.com. On the positive side, Oden was chosen as the Player Most Likely to Receive a Senior Citizen’s Discount at his Local Multiplex.

The Tampa Bay Rays have set a new postseason record for steals in the month of October. The last time Florida was involved in this much blatant thievery was the 2000 presidential elections.

David Wright and Carlos Delgado were recently granted pistol permits. No word yet on whether members of the Mets bullpen are in immediate jeopardy.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

A Chinese news service has reported that gold medalist He Kexin is just 13, two years under the age of Olympic eligibility. It’s hard to say what’s more shameful: the fact that she could cost her country a medal or the fact that 20-year-olds have been hitting on her all week.

Olympic officials are distributing 100,000 condoms to athletes living in the Olympic Village. Actually, they're just for the foreign athletes since most of the Chinese team members are still under the age of consent.

Two University of Nebraska wrestlers were kicked off the team after their nude photos appeared on a prominent gay porn site. The story has gotten so much publicity that the team may be forced to change their name from the Cornhuskers to the Cornholers.

Democratic presidential contender Barack Obama has told reporters that he plans to go body surfing while in Hawaii. In related news, John McCain could use a little help getting in and out of the bathtub if anyone is available at 7:00 am tomorrow morning.

Michael Vick’s personal lawyer has been charged with securities fraud and accused of swindling $500,000 from church members. Evidentially authorities were unimpressed with his defense that God helps those who help themselves.

Stephon Marbury has announced that he plans to play in Milan next season. The veteran point guard can barely wait to be misunderstood in a whole new language.

Adam “Pacman” Jones has sent a letter to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell asking to be allowed to play this season. The letter took Jones a full week to write since he couldn’t decide what color crayon to use.

Troubled forward Ron Artest has said that he’s psyched about his opportunity with the Rockets. We can only hope he’s referring to the team and not to the line of tank-piercing weapons.

Kobe Bryant and his wife Vanessa are expecting their third child. It’s believed to be the first time in months an NBA player has knocked up a woman without a paternity suit being involved.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The U.S. won bronze in men’s gymnastics. Of course, the only thing worse than finishing third is admitting you’re a male gymnast in the first place.

Michael Phelps is 5 for 5 after another record breaking swim in the 4 x 200. Phelps is doing so well that his coach plans to reward him by throwing him two extra mackerel from his big pail of fish.

China beat the U.S. to win gold in women’s gymnastics. The team’s members are now free to concentrate on their next challenge of hitting puberty.

Benjamin Boukpeti helped Togo win its first ever Olympic medal by picking up a surprise bronze in the men’s slalom kayak event. Now all Boukpeti has to do is learn how to fire an arrow, throw a javelin and ride a horse to help Togo catch up to America in the overall medal standings.

The Arizona Diamondbacks have acquired major league homerun leader Adam Dunn from the Cincinnati Reds for minor-league pitcher Dallas Buck. Insiders are still amazed that Dunn could be had for a single Buck.

Kenny Chesney recently strapped on the pads and took part in a New Orleans Saints football practice. Chesney’s appearance left many players awestruck, since they had never played with someone who had made a meaningful hit.

The Red Sox have called up knuckleballer Charlie Zink from their Triple A affiliate in Pawtucket. It’s uncertain who Boston will promote next now that they’ve worked their way through the entire alphabet.

The Kansas City Royals plan to close off several seating sections for the remainder of the season as Kauffman Stadium continues to undergo renovations. No word yet on how this will affect the team’s three fans.

The Bucks are looking to acquire point guard Luke Ridnour in a trade involving three different teams. There’s nothing like being involved in a three-way to take the edge off of moving to Milwaukee.

Cincinnati is considering signing free-agent cornerback Ty Law. It’s a surprising turn of events since the Bengals generally run away from the Law.