You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Bud Selig says he’s happy that Mark McGwire is returning to baseball. He’d be even happier if Milton Bradley wasn’t.

Meb Keflezighi has become the first American to win the New York City Marathon in 27 years. If you had a name like Meb Keflezighi you’d probably be good at outrunning people too.

The IOC is upset with Greece’s decision to let a runner serving a doping ban take part in the Vancouver flame relay. On the positive side, his one mile segment should be over in well under two minutes.

Redskins tight end Chris Cooley recently had three screws placed inside his tibia. It’s nice to hear that Washington sport fans aren’t the only ones getting screwed.

Giants running back Ahmad Bradshaw will continue to play this season despite having a cracked bone in his foot. In related news, Terry Bradshaw will continue appearing on Fox despite being legally dead above the neck.

Rudy Gay has said the odds of him signing a contract extension are at 50-50. Oddly enough, those are the same odds an Internet search of his name will bring you to a gay porn site.

Nate Robinson could be sidelined for two weeks after spraining his right ankle. Luckily the Knicks should have no problem losing without him.

PGA Tour officials have canceled the Viking Classic because of soggy course conditions. Vikings everywhere are rolling over in their graves.

Cole Hamels, last year's World Series MVP, is 1-2 with a 7.58 ERA in 4 starts this postseason. On the positive side, he could still become the World Series MVP for the Yankees.

Bobby Knight has declined an invitation to attend his induction into the Indiana University Hall of Fame. Organizers had already reserved two seats for him: one to sit in and one to throw.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Wayne Gretzky believes that Las Vegas will have an NHL team within five years. In fact, his wife is willing to put 10,000 grand on it.

Sam Bradford has called his decision to forgo his senior season the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. Just wait until he has to sign a contract with the Buccaneers.

Charles Barkley has expressed interest in becoming an NBA general manager. It should be refreshing to see GM beside his name rather than BS.

Anthony Mason owes more than $1.8 million in state and federal taxes. The former Knick is expected to shave a full statement in his hair shortly.

The Cleveland Cavaliers plan to save $40,000 by switching from paper Christmas cards to electronic ones. It was either that or charge Shaquille O’Neal a nickel every time he misses a free throw.

The Yankees have won their 40th American League pennant. It’s inspiring to see what hard work, determination and $200 million can buy you these days.

London Fletcher was spotted throwing up on the sidelines during Washington’s Monday night loss to Philadelphia. Maybe next time he shouldn’t watch so much of the game.

Andre Agassi has admitted he used crystal meth regularly during the 1990s. That certainly explains a lot of his outfits.

Jimmy Rollins believes the Phillies will win the World Series in five games. In related news, Jimmy Rollins may possibly still be drunk from the team’s NLCS celebration.

The Memphis Grizzlies have received permission to speak to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar about a position with the team. Given the fact it’s the Grizzlies that position is probably starting center.

Dodgers chief executive Jamie McCourt has filed a divorce petition laying claim to half of the team. Something tells us she probably wants the half with Matt Kemp and not the half with Jason Schmidt.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Six Nuggets including Nene, Kenyon Martin, Carmelo Anthony, J.R. Smith, Anthony Carter and Chris Andersen have lost a combined 76 pounds since the beginning of the summer. In related news, rotund coach George Karl appears to have found all of them.

The Philadelphia Phillies have decided to start veteran pitcher Jamie Moyer in game one of the World Series. The 45-year-old hurler will be on a very strict pitch count since he likes to be in bed by 9:00 pm.

Jose Canseco has been charged with a misdemeanor offense of trying to bring a reproductive drug across the border from Mexico. Apparently it’s only his imagination that’s fertile.

Joey Chestnut ate 45 slices of pizza in 10 minutes to win the world’s first Pizza Eating Championship in Manhattan. New Yorkers haven’t seen a mouth that big since Stephon Marbury.

Former NBA guard Kevin Johnson has called upon Charles Barkley to help him become the next mayor of Sacramento. It’s a wise move. Anyone that fat should get at least five votes.

A New York model has revealed that Alex Rodriguez has a huge foot fetish. It’s hardly surprising considering he’s spent most of his career with his own foot in his mouth.

The man who caught the final home run hit at Yankee Stadium by Jose Molina has decided to sell it at an auction. It may be the only time in history where a ball is more valuable than the player who hit it.

John Madden will miss calling an NFL game this weekend after working 476 in a row. Madden will be temporarily replaced by Cris Collinsworth, who has promised to ease the transition for fans by spending 72 hours on a bus and eating three times his own weight in food.

The Charlotte Bobcats are attempting to trade Adam Morrison. The team is believed to be looking for a big man but they’d be happy to settle for anyone who doesn’t look like a roadie for Lynyrd Skynyrd.

A small electrical fire damaged the Citgo sign over Fenway's Green Monster in left field. You know you’re having a rough post season when the only thing that gets hot is your signs.

Madonna has announced that she’s divorcing Guy Ritchie to be with Alex Rodriguez. It’s nice to hear that at least one Yankee is still active in the post season.

Roger Clemens says he lacks the desire to play again because he’s enjoying his free time. It’s amazing how much you can get done when no one wants your autograph.

Former Yankee infielder Tom Tresh has died at the age of 71. His passing is particularly devastating since he would have been a huge upgrade over Robinson Cano.

A new report suggests that 1,055 athletes were injured at the Beijing Games. The unusually high number includes 300 Chinese athletes who had their legs broken for failing to win gold.

A Laughing Matter

I recently joined forces with a cadre of America’s top stand-up comedians for a hilarious article in this week’s Sports Illustrated. Read all of our offbeat views on the 2008 MLB playoffs by clicking here.

Question of the Week

Brian, Brooklyn, NY
Subj: Chase who?!
Hey Ryan, what’s up with all these college and pro athletes being named Chase over the last few years? Why is that name so popular all of a sudden...were they all named during O.J.'s slow speed chase to infamy or what? Please shed some light on the subject.

It’s mind-boggling, isn’t it Brian? Believe it or not, Chase was the 83rd most popular baby name in America in 2006 and it has been prominently featured in the top 100 for the past decade. I suspect the trend probably dates back to the late 1970’s when Chevy Chase first entered our nation’s consciousness as a member of Saturday Night Live. Consider this: Phillies second baseman Chase Utley was born in 1978, the same year Chevy Chase landed his first lead role in Foul Play, New York Giants linebacker Chase Blackburn and Cleveland Browns DE Chase Pittman were both born in 1983, the same year Chevy Chase starred in Vacation and Arizona Wildcats forward Chase Budinger was born in 1988, the year Chevy Chase appeared in The Couch Trip, Funny Farm and Caddyshack II. Hey, it could be worse; we could be rooting for a bunch of athletes named Keanu.

Question of the Week

Steve, Cincinnati, OH
Subj: Extra digits
Hey Ryan, would you prefer to have a sixth finger on each hand or a third nipple on your chest?

It’s not even close, Steve. I would definitely opt for the sixth finger on each hand. After all, the male nipple is more useless than Britney Spears’ therapist, but a sixth finger can turn you into a Major League talent. Just ask Antonio Alfonseca. The former Philadelphia Phillies reliever has 12 fingers and 12 toes and he enjoyed a productive 11-year career. In fact, Alfonseca actually credits his success to the added rotation he gets from his extra digit. Maybe that’s why he embraces his condition so fully. "I see [people] staring sometimes," he admits. "It's OK. I don't care. It's no big deal to me. Some people see it as a bad thing. I don't." I’d like to think I’d feel the exact same way. Plus, it would be nice to have an extra finger to pick my nose.