You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Evander Holyfield knocked out Frans Botha to win the WBF Heavyweight Title. It’s the biggest victory Holyfield has had since the Civil War.

Texas Stadium has been reduced to a useless pile of dust… just like Jerry Jones.

Dwyane Wade reportedly lost $1.5 million on the sale of his South Florida home. Luckily playing for the Heat has prepared him well for dealing with big losses.

Butler has given Brad Stevens a 12-year, multimillion dollar deal to continue coaching the Bulldogs. That’s a lot of money for someone who’s not even old enough to shave.

Umpire Joe West has called the Yankees and Red Sox a disgrace to baseball. He’s obviously never had to officiate a Pirates-Nationals game.

Brewers pitcher Jeff Suppan is on the disabled list with a stiff neck after sleeping on a rolled-up towel. The veteran hurler said he learned his lesson and next time will sleep on Prince Fielder’s soft pillowy gut instead.

Georgia police have finished probing quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. No word yet on whether Ben Roethlisberger has finished probing Georgia college students.

Phil Mickelson has won his third Masters title. The veteran golfer now has more ugly jackets than Don Cherry.

Tiger Woods finished five strokes behind at The Masters. Fortunately he’s used to taking extra strokes now that his wife has him on lockdown.

Philadelphia head coach Eddie Jordan says he isn’t interested in coaching Rutgers. That’s hardly surprising since he doesn’t appear to be very interested in coaching the Sixers either.

The sale of the New Jersey Nets to Mikhail Prokhorov is in jeopardy. Apparently he finally saw them play.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Oakland A’s are thinking of relocating to San Jose. The only question that remains is whether anyone in Oakland will actually notice.

The New Jersey Nets have reached a deal to move their regular-season games to Newark's Prudential Center. Apparently the Hoboken Sportsplex was already booked.

The New York Knicks have now traded enough players, waived enough assets and cleared enough salary cap room to acquire LeBron James. In fact, the only thing they haven’t done is given him a team worth joining.

Tiger Woods says he still loves his wife very much. Well sure, he’d say anything to get his three iron back.

Johan Santana recently told reporters he’s the best pitcher in the National League. And the most humble.

Wizards GM Ernie Grunfeld has said that Gilbert Arenas will stay in Washington. Mainly because his ankle bracelet beeps every time he tries to leave.

Pau Gasol believes Kevin Garnett is extremely limited. And we believe Gasol’s lifespan may be extremely limited once Garnett finds out.

Serena Williams has enrolled in a 240-hour program to become a certified nail technician. It’s nice to know she’ll have something to fall back on in case this whole tennis thing doesn’t pan out.

An al-Qaida-linked guerrilla group has been threatening several teams at the men’s field hockey World Cup. It’s nice to know that at least someone is following the sport.

Yankees GM Brian Cashman says he’s surprised Johnny Damon is going to Detroit. In fact, ANYONE who’s been to Detroit is surprised he’s going there.

Ozzie Guillen has agreed to be the subject of a reality show this season. Censors are standing by.

The inventor of the Frisbee has died at the age of 90. Mourners plan to throw his body over an open field before being burying it later this week.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tag Heuer has announced it will continue its association with Tiger Woods. The Swiss watch maker was quick to point out that although Woods had many affairs, he was never late for any of them.

Tiger Woods has decided to take a break from golf. Why we do get the sense he’ll still be visiting 18 holes a day?

The New York Yankees have severed ties with former ace Chien-Ming Wang. A cut wang hasn’t generated this much interest since John Wayne Bobbit.

John Daly has lost 115 pounds. It’s the first time in his life he’s had smaller breasts than the women he dates.

The president of Dartmouth has apologized to his counterpart at Harvard over profanity-laden taunts made by his athletes during a squash match. On the positive side, the taunts were exceptionally well annunciated.

Marc Gasol believes the Grizzlies are better off without Allen Iverson. The 76ers are expected to reach the same conclusion sometime this week.

The Phoenix Suns are worried about Robin Lopez’s anger issues. You’d be angry too if you looked like the lovechild of Sideshow Bob and an Amish farmer.

Texas football coach Mack Brown has been given a $2 million raise. In addition to the annual increase, Brown will receive a $450,000 bonus if Texas wins the BCS title and $7 million if any of his players actually graduate.

Mark Ingram beat Toby Gerhart by 28 points to win the Heisman Trophy. Gerhart can always console himself by buying Eric Crouch’s Heisman on eBay for $9.99.

JaMarcus Russell says it’s been tough watching as his team plays without him. In his defense, it’s hard for anyone to watch the Raiders these days.

Erin Andrews was recently spotted cozying up with former Giants quarterback Jesse Palmer. At least, that’s who it looked like through the keyhole.

The New Jersey Nets are on the verge of securing $500 million in bonds to finance the construction of an arena in Brooklyn. It’s the last steps needed before they can start disappointing fans in an entirely different city.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Don Nelson is still recovering. Not from pneumonia, but from watching the Warriors.

David Stern believes women will soon play in the NBA. In related news, David Stern will evidentially say anything to get laid.

The New York Yankees are close to establishing a free agent budget. The only question that remains is whether it will be higher than the GDP of Latvia or the GDP or Liechtenstein.

Giants defensive end Justin Tuck has called Cowboys left tackle Flozell Adams a "dirtbag." Even Adams had to agree the name is a major upgrade over Flozell.

Larry Brown is reportedly pushing for another trade. And this time he’s trying to trade himself.

A woman has taken out a 100 foot restraining order against Baltimore Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs. Quarterbacks around the NFL are expected to follow suit shortly.

New Jersey has set an NBA record by losing their first 18 games of the season. Things have gotten so bad the World Wildlife Fund has now added Nets fans to its list of endangered species.

The Mets are close to a deal with free-agent catcher Henry Blanco. All he needs to do now is fail his physical.

Cleveland running back Jamal Lewis has been put on injured reserve with post-concussion symptoms. Officials first suspected his brain had been damaged when he placed a sizeable bet on the Browns.

Nate McMillan is scheduled to undergo surgery to repair a ruptured right Achilles tendon. The Blazers coach allegedly injured himself after removing his foot from Andre Miller’s ass.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

120 Major League Baseball players have now filed for free agency. The group includes 45 pitchers, 33 infielders and 27 of Alyssa Milano’s exes.

New York office workers reportedly tossed files and documents out windows during the Yankees victory parade. It’s a marked improvement from earlier this year when they were tossing out themselves.

San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum is facing misdemeanor charges after a state trooper approached his Mercedes and smelled marijuana. It turns out Lincecum was a little high and inside.

The Mets plan to part ways with closer J.J. Putz. Fortunately they still have plenty of other putzes in their lineup.

Allen Iverson has taken an indefinite leave from the Memphis Grizzlies… just like most of the team’s fans.

A government official has been fired for giving the Calgary Flames flu shots while thousands of people waited in line. There hasn’t been this much interest over a bunch of little pricks since the New Kids on the Block reunited.

Hall of Famer Nancy Lieberman has become the first woman to coach in the NBA Development League. It’s nice to know women are now just as capable of getting undesirable jobs as men.

Redskins owner Dan Snyder recently told reporters that the team is letting everybody down. On the positive side, they’re doing a fabulous job preparing Washington sports fans for another season of the Nationals.

Victor Zambrano's mother has been kidnapped in Venezuela. If her personality is as disagreeable as her son’s we’re sure her abductors will return her soon.

Tony Parker is expected to miss a week with a sprained left ankle. The veteran point guard was injured when an overzealous Manu Ginobili swatted him out of the sky.

Navy is still riding high after defeating Notre Dame 23-21. The Midshipmen haven’t enjoyed a victory this big since storming the beaches of Normandy.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Bud Selig says he’s happy that Mark McGwire is returning to baseball. He’d be even happier if Milton Bradley wasn’t.

Meb Keflezighi has become the first American to win the New York City Marathon in 27 years. If you had a name like Meb Keflezighi you’d probably be good at outrunning people too.

The IOC is upset with Greece’s decision to let a runner serving a doping ban take part in the Vancouver flame relay. On the positive side, his one mile segment should be over in well under two minutes.

Redskins tight end Chris Cooley recently had three screws placed inside his tibia. It’s nice to hear that Washington sport fans aren’t the only ones getting screwed.

Giants running back Ahmad Bradshaw will continue to play this season despite having a cracked bone in his foot. In related news, Terry Bradshaw will continue appearing on Fox despite being legally dead above the neck.

Rudy Gay has said the odds of him signing a contract extension are at 50-50. Oddly enough, those are the same odds an Internet search of his name will bring you to a gay porn site.

Nate Robinson could be sidelined for two weeks after spraining his right ankle. Luckily the Knicks should have no problem losing without him.

PGA Tour officials have canceled the Viking Classic because of soggy course conditions. Vikings everywhere are rolling over in their graves.

Cole Hamels, last year's World Series MVP, is 1-2 with a 7.58 ERA in 4 starts this postseason. On the positive side, he could still become the World Series MVP for the Yankees.

Bobby Knight has declined an invitation to attend his induction into the Indiana University Hall of Fame. Organizers had already reserved two seats for him: one to sit in and one to throw.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Lindsay Lohan recently told reporters that she’s a huge fan of Formula One. In all fairness, Lindsay Lohan is a huge fan of anything with a cockpit.

David Wells has criticized the Yankees over their handling of Joba Chamberlain. And if there’s one thing Wells knows it’s how to handle a boozing, overweight pitcher.

A judge has allowed a man to be temporarily released from jail so he can see the Red Sox play the Royals. In the end, the judge felt watching Kansas City play nine innings was equivalent to at least two years in prison.

The Nationals have become the first team in the Major Leagues to lose 100 games. The accomplishment is especially impressive since they’ve only played 95.

The Timberwolves are trying to trade backup center Mark Blount. Anyone with a bag of basketballs or a jug of Gatorade is encouraged to inquire within.

Bobby Cox has agreed to a one-year contract for 2010. Apparently the Internet isn’t the only place where you can get a Cox extension.

Cowboys left tackle Flozell Adams has been fined $12,500 for kicking two New York Giants. In his defense, you’d probably have some anger issues too if your parents named you Flozell.

Russia’s wealthiest man has struck a deal to buy the New Jersey Nets. Apparently being the wealthiest man in Russia isn’t the same thing as being the smartest man in Russia.

Michael Vick recently admitted he thought he’d return as a starter. Those who understand karma thought he’s return as a dung beetle.

Delonte West is expected to join the Cavaliers after being arrested for carrying two concealed handguns and a shotgun. That’s just what the team needs, another shoot-first point guard.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

John Daly is getting his own reality show on The Golf Channel. It was either that or Animal Planet.

Joba Chamberlain struck out five batters in an electrifying win over the Tampa Bay Rays. It looks like the Yankees’ cheeseburgers for strikeouts policy is finally paying off.

Reggie Bush has broken up with Kim Kardashian due to her constant need to be in the spotlight. At least that’s what he said at her press conference.

Rodney King has expressed interest in participating in a celebrity boxing bout. If nothing else, he certainly knows how to take a punch.

Yankees pitcher Chien-Ming Wang is scheduled to undergo season-ending surgery on his right shoulder. As every man knows, there’s nothing worse than having a useless Wang.

Jessica Simpson plans to release a new fragrance inspired by Tony Romo. We didn’t realize you could capture disappointment in a bottle.

The Red Sox have fallen three and a half games behind the New York Yankees. Frankly, it’s hard to blame them for wanting to keep their distance from Alex Rodriguez.

Stephon Marbury has admitted that he recently saw Jesus in his shower. Frankly we’re not sure if he was referring to the Messiah or to his Mexican gardener.

The New York Yankees have gone 40-21 ever since Alex Rodriguez began dating Kate Hudson. Just imagine how unstoppable they could be if Joe Girardi hooked up with Goldie Hawn.

The Pirates have traded All-Star second baseman Freddy Sanchez to the Giants for yet another pitching prospect. For those of you keeping track at home, Pittsburgh now has more prospects than a hot chick at a Star Trek convention.

Tim Tebow recently told reporters that he’s a virgin. Apparently getting screwed by the BCS doesn’t count.

Stephon Marbury was recently spotted crying while listening to music on one of his webcasts. In his defense, the music WAS by Shaquille O’Neal.

Question of the Week

Rick, Sulphur Springs, TX
Subj: The straw that stirs the drink
Is it true that Reggie Jackson went to university on a football scholarship?

That’s correct, Rick. Mr. October was a phenomenal multi-sport star who accepted a scholarship to play football at Arizona State University. However, Jackson never warmed up to the team’s intense regimen and he quit the squad and returned to his first love of baseball following his freshman year. It proved to be a savvy decision and by 1966 he was named College Player of the Year by The Sporting News. Kansas City Athletics owner Charlie Finley was so impressed with Jackson’s exploits that he selected him second overall in the 1967 Major League Baseball amateur draft and offered him a $95,000 signing bonus. Jackson happily accepted the offer and left college to enter the world of professional baseball.

Question of the Week

Ted, Grand Rapids, MI
Subj: Baseball prodigies
Hey Ryan, is it true that Reggie Jackson was “discovered” while he was still in grade school?

That’s correct, Ted. Mr. October began playing softball in his backyard when he was seven-years-old and by the time he was 11 Jackson had become so dominant that his reputation began to spread beyond his hometown of Wyncote, Pennsylvania. That year, while playing in a sandlot with his friends, he was approached by a scout from the New York Giants named Chick Genovese. Genovese gave Jackson his card and told him to look him up in a few years. Jackson never forgot about the incident and his brief encounter with Genovese helped inspire him to follow his dreams throughout high school and college.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Viagra has signed on to become a sponsor of the NHL, which makes sense because if you’ve ever had an erection that lasted for three days, then you know the value of putting it on ice.

Tom Brady is rumored to have proposed to his girlfriend Gisele Bundchen on Christmas Eve. It’s nice to hear that at least one Patriot will be getting a ring this year.

The Utah Jazz have announced that forward Carlos Boozer will undergo arthroscopic knee surgery. A boozer hasn’t made this many headlines since the last time John Daly passed out at Hooters.

The Houston Rockets have re-acquired Dikembe Mutumbo. The veteran center has been signed for the remainder of the season or until his old age pension kicks in, whichever comes first.

Houston has fired three coaches including Defensive coordinator Richard Smith. The last time this many Texans were axed, Davy Crockett was present.

Randy Johnson has signed a one-year contract with the Giants. He’s expected to attract a huge fan base since San Francisco men are known to have an affinity for big units.

The New York Yankees have signed back-up catcher Kevin Cash. It’s the first time in years the Yankees have acquired cash rather than throwing it away.

The Mets are reportedly uninterested in signing Andruw Jones, which is a shame, because if he puts on any more weight he should be able to cover all three outfield positions without even moving.

Lance Armstrong has revealed that he and his girlfriend, Anna Hansen, are expecting a baby in June. The announcement means that Pacman Jones is now just the second hardest working nut in sports.

Question of the Week

Ron, Oklahoma City, OK
Subj: The breakfast of champions
Who was the first professional athlete to be appear on a box of Wheaties?

That honors belongs to Lou Gehrig. The legendary Yankees infielder graced the box for the first time in 1934, ten years after the cereal made its debut on grocery shelves across America. The Iron Horse’s appearance produced such encouraging results that Wheaties continued to feature baseball players, and by 1939, 46 of the 51 players selected to the All-Star team were official Wheaties pitchmen. The athlete with the most number of Wheaties appearances, meanwhile, is Michael Jordan. The former NBA MVP has appeared on the box 18 times, including three appearances with Dennis Rodman, one of the few players in the world flakier than the cereal itself.

Talking Points - Carolina On My Mind

Welcome back for another edition of Talking Points, a handy cheat sheet designed to help you hold your own in any water cooler discussion. In this week’s column, I'll examine North Carolina’s loaded roster, the New York Yankees’ injury woes and the Celtics’ championship season. Read all about it here.

Ask Ryan - It's A Small World After All

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like John Daly and drained beer kegs. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about Vinny Testaverde's recent resurgence, the longest contract in NBA history and the surprisingly lucrative world of miniature golf. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7346302

Ask Ryan - More Tall Tales

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like the New York Mets and heartbreaking disappointment. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the NFL's tallest receiver, Omar Vizquel's shot at Cooperstown and the most popular college mascot in the U.S. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/7296606