You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Barack Obama intends to build a basketball court inside the White House. It will mark the first time someone has played with their balls in the building since Bill Clinton lived there.

Detroit could be in danger of losing the Lions. Luckily the team’s fans already know a thing or two about coping with loss.

A new medical report has revealed that rookie forward Danilo Gallinari has a bloated bulging disc in his back. It’s certainly not the first time the words “bloated” and “bulging” have been used to describe a New York Knick.

49ers star Frank Gore has been diagnosed with a mild neck tinge. The runningback has blamed the injury on his habit of abruptly looking away every time Mike Singletary drops his pants.

Michael Vick has said he hopes to return to the NFL as early as next season. In fact, the troubled QB assured reporters he’s working like a dog just to get ready.

The New York Yankees intend to “blow away” C.C. Sabathia with a huge contract offer. It’s a refreshing tactic for a team that in recent years has simply blown.

Former Ohio State offensive linemen T.J. Downing was recently arrested for pot possession. In his defense, he thought they were just buckeyes.

The Seattle Mariners have come up with a list of seven candidates to be their next GM. The team plans to go with who ever selects the shortest straw.

The Denver Broncos have signed free agent runningback Tatum Bell. Bell is expected to join the team as soon as he can find his luggage… or, failing that, someone else’s.

The Cavaliers plan to make a run at Vince Carter. Given the way his skills have deteriorated they may not have to run very fast.

A teenage girl is suing her school after she was forced to play football in gym class. It could have been worse; she could have been forced to watch the Bengals.

Reds pitcher Edinson Volquez finished fourth in the Rookie of the Year voting even though he’s not technically a rookie. In related news, Tigers outfielder Gary Sheffield finished tenth in the Humanitarian of the Year voting even though he’s not technically a human.

Jerry Jones says he “absolutely” believes Dallas will make the playoffs. Unfortunately for football fans he was referring to the Mavericks.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Chris Berman will interview Senator John McCain at halftime of Monday Night Football. Although McCain never played the sport he did letter in chariot racing during high school.

Shaquille O’Neal recently called Kobe Bryant the best player in the NBA. The league is expected to test his urine immediately.

C.C. Sabathia has filed for free agency. The veteran pitcher is expected to get at least $20 million, or as he calls it, lunch money.

The Raiders are reportedly interested in signing quarterback Michael Vick. Luckily for him, Oakland is one of the few places in America where a prison record is practically a job requirement.

The Thunder picked up their first victory in franchise history with an 88-85 win over the Timberwolves. Folks in Oklahoma City haven’t been this excited since the town got electricity.

Fox is weighing whether to assign reporter Danyelle Sargent to more NFL games. Perhaps they should give Bill Walsh a call and see what he thinks.

Unemployed quarterback Daunte Culpepper spent the day with the Detroit Lions. That should certainly cure him of his desire to ever play football again.

John Daly was held overnight in a North Carolina jail after passing out at a Hooters. According to observers, Daly first began drinking heavily when he realized he had the biggest boobs in the restaurant.

Matt Leinart has said that he isn’t concerned about losing playing time to Kurt Warner. Of course, that could just be the booze talking.

The New York Mets are thinking of signing free agent reliever J.J. Putz. It’s a surprising development considering that their bullpen is already overflowing with putzes.

Paula Radcliffe won the New York City Marathon with a time of two hours, 23 minutes, and 56 seconds. The 40-year-old Cheshire native probably could have finished even sooner if she wasn’t mugged three times down the stretch.

Eddy Curry has failed to crack the Knicks starting rotation after an abysmal preseason. Given his enormous weight gain, it’s the only thing he hasn’t cracked this year.

Lance Armstrong won the individual time trial of the 25th annual Tour de Gruene. Apparently riding an Olsen Twin really can get you in good shape.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Danny Granger has donated $500,000 to New Mexico's athletic department. It’s an impressive contribution considering the last time an Indiana Pacer gave away that much money it was at a strip club.

C.C. Sabathia lost his second consecutive game for the suddenly floundering Milwaukee Brewers. The big left hander was so despondent afterwards that he couldn’t eat for nearly five minutes.

Mavs forward Josh Howard was caught on video disrespecting the American national anthem before a charity flag-football game. Sure, it sounds bad, but in his defense he was so high at the time he thought he was in Paraguay.

The U.S. Olympic Committee has added the president of Xerox and the chairman of Electronic Arts to its board of directors. I should clarify: the EA chairman joined first. The Xerox guy just copied him.

The Cowboys managed to beat the Packers 27-16 for their very first win at Lambeau Field. You know something has gone horribly awry when Hell is frozen over and Lambeau Field isn’t.

45-year-old pitcher Jamie Moyer led the Phillies to a 5-2 victory over the Marlins. The veteran hurler is so old his first baseball card was printed on papyrus.

Rays manager Joe Maddon reportedly celebrated his team’s first playoff birth by drinking Dom Perignon champagne, Patron tequila and red wine. In fact, the veteran skipper got so hammered that many observers mistook him for the Mets bullpen.

Detroit Lions linebacker Jordon Dizon has been sentenced to 24 hours of community service for driving while impaired. You’d think having to play for the Lions would be punishment enough.

The Houston Rockets have reached out to victims of Hurricane Ike by purchasing four tractor-trailers full of food and water. Or, as Yao Ming calls it, breakfast.

The Cubs nearly no hit the Astros for the second game in the row. In fact, Houston went so long between hits that some observers mistook them for James Blunt.

Oakland Raiders defensive end Tommy Kelly was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence. On the positive side, he now has one more thing in common with Oakland Raiders fans.

The Milwaukee Bucks have announced that Charlie Villanueva will be the team’s starting forward this season. Villanueva was so surprised by the news that he lifted the area where he used to have eyebrows.