You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The United States Postal Service has decided to give Dodger Stadium it’s very own zip code. Ditto for Prince Fielder.

One NFL source insists Brett Favre can't peacefully retire until he finds a way to get revenge on the Packers. Given his performance last season he should consider playing for them.

HBO has announced it will follow the Cincinnati Bengals for its upcoming season of Hard Knocks. The program is the third primetime show to feature the franchise following Cops and America’s Most Wanted.

A cat recently ran onto Wrigley Field in the middle of a Cubs game. Luckily it’s Chicago, so fans are used to seeing a bunch of pussies on the field.

A new book is suggesting A-Rod used steroids in high school. The claim is nearly impossible to verify since nearly every 17-year-old kid has back acne and a small sack.

The NBA is closely monitoring the swine flue since, as everyone knows, most of their players are pigs.

New York Rangers coach John Tortorella has apologized for embarrassing the organization by throwing a water bottle at a fan. We’re not sure what’s harder to believe: the fact a professional coach would stoop so low or that the NHL still has fans.

The New York Knicks will play Maccabi Tel Aviv in an exhibition game in October. You know things are rough when you have to travel 5,000 miles just to find a team you can beat.

The Milwaukee Brewers have suspended pitcher Pedro Lambertus for testing positive for drugs. You’d think a team named after an alcoholic beverage would be a lot more understanding about this kind of thing.

The Dallas Cowboys’ practice bubble collapsed following a major windstorm. The timing of the incident is surprising since the team’s bubble usually doesn’t burst until the playoffs.

European hoops star Zelijko Obradovic has decided to pass on the NBA. Broadcasters everywhere are grateful.

Nuggets vice president of basketball operations Mark Warkentien has been named the NBA's executive of the year. For those of you keeping score at home, credit Allen Iverson with the assist.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The University of Wisconsin marching band has been suspended indefinitely while allegations of alcohol abuse and sexual misconduct are investigated. Apparently the tubas weren’t the only things they were blowing.

New York Knicks center Eddy Curry has yet to practice with the team due to a mysterious illness. Doctors have identified the ailment by its scientific name of overweightus outofshapeus.

Stephon Marbury is producing a 45-minute fitness video due out for the Christmas shopping season. The timing is perfect since Marbury has had a long association with ho ho hos.

Former Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry has been arrested following a multi-kilogram cocaine bust. On the positive side, his newfound knowledge of the metric system should make him a natural fit in the Canadian Football League.

Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Jeff Suppan posted a 15.00 ERA during the NLDS. The veteran righthander was so ineffective he may start next season coming out of the bullpen… as a giant chorizo sausage.

The Milwaukee Brewers are considering taking a run at free agent pitcher C.C. Sabathia. Luckily for them, they won’t have to run very fast.

Josh Howard has called himself an "idiot" for his videotaped disparagement of the national anthem. The Mavericks forward went on to state that America has always been one of his favorite countries in the U.S.A.

Miami Heat general manager Randy Pfund has resigned from the team. His departure is expected to leave the franchise totally pfucked.

John Daly is considering moving to England and playing regularly on the European tour. It should be a relief for Daly to go to a place where beer is considered a breakfast food. The 42-year-old Daly has made just $56,017 this year, $50,000 of which came from returning his empties.

Wiley Publishing has just released another printing of Football for Dummies. The Lions are hoping to have a copy in their hands sometime before next Sunday.

Chicago has picked up Lou Piniella's option for 2010. Incidentally that’s also how many years it’s been since the last time the Cubs reached the World Series.

The Houston Rockets have released center Marcus Campbell. The strategic move should provide enough room at the end of the bench for both Dikembe Mutombo and his walker.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Danny Granger has donated $500,000 to New Mexico's athletic department. It’s an impressive contribution considering the last time an Indiana Pacer gave away that much money it was at a strip club.

C.C. Sabathia lost his second consecutive game for the suddenly floundering Milwaukee Brewers. The big left hander was so despondent afterwards that he couldn’t eat for nearly five minutes.

Mavs forward Josh Howard was caught on video disrespecting the American national anthem before a charity flag-football game. Sure, it sounds bad, but in his defense he was so high at the time he thought he was in Paraguay.

The U.S. Olympic Committee has added the president of Xerox and the chairman of Electronic Arts to its board of directors. I should clarify: the EA chairman joined first. The Xerox guy just copied him.

The Cowboys managed to beat the Packers 27-16 for their very first win at Lambeau Field. You know something has gone horribly awry when Hell is frozen over and Lambeau Field isn’t.

45-year-old pitcher Jamie Moyer led the Phillies to a 5-2 victory over the Marlins. The veteran hurler is so old his first baseball card was printed on papyrus.

Rays manager Joe Maddon reportedly celebrated his team’s first playoff birth by drinking Dom Perignon champagne, Patron tequila and red wine. In fact, the veteran skipper got so hammered that many observers mistook him for the Mets bullpen.

Detroit Lions linebacker Jordon Dizon has been sentenced to 24 hours of community service for driving while impaired. You’d think having to play for the Lions would be punishment enough.

The Houston Rockets have reached out to victims of Hurricane Ike by purchasing four tractor-trailers full of food and water. Or, as Yao Ming calls it, breakfast.

The Cubs nearly no hit the Astros for the second game in the row. In fact, Houston went so long between hits that some observers mistook them for James Blunt.

Oakland Raiders defensive end Tommy Kelly was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence. On the positive side, he now has one more thing in common with Oakland Raiders fans.

The Milwaukee Bucks have announced that Charlie Villanueva will be the team’s starting forward this season. Villanueva was so surprised by the news that he lifted the area where he used to have eyebrows.

Question of the Week

Aaron, Chicago, IL
Subj: The best in the biz
Hey Ryan, who’s your all-time favorite sports broadcaster?

I’ve always been a huge fan of the incomparable Bob Uecker. Although this former Cardinal backstop was never an All-Star, he’s certainly a Hall Of Famer when it comes to poking fun at his limited abilities. According to Uecker, "Anybody with ability can play in the big leagues. But to be able to trick people year in and year out the way I did, I think that was a much greater feat." One of my other favorite Uecker quotes is about the importance of good timing. "If a guy hits .300 every year, what does he have to look forward to? I always tried to stay around .190, with three or four RBI. And I tried to get them all in September. That way I always had something to talk about during the winter." A winner of the Ford C. Frick Broadcasting Award, Uecker is now in his 38th year of calling balls and strikes for the Milwaukee Brewers.