You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Gilbert Arenas has promised to stay away from Washington Wizards games… just like millions of other D.C. basketball fans.

Adidas is considering dropping Gilbert Arenas. On the positive side, he’d be a perfect pitchman for Smith & Wesson.

New reports claim that Gilbert Arenas once defecated in teammate Andray Blatche's shoe. Oddly enough, Hallmark actually makes a card for that.

Los Angeles Clippers announcer Michael Smith has pleaded not guilty to stealing $735,000 from a golfing buddy. If convicted, Smith will be forced to continue broadcasting Clippers games for the next 25 years.

Allen Iverson has said he may skip the All-Star game if he’s selected. Apparently someone told him there may be a practice.

Maple Leafs head coach Ron Wilson says he’s "pissed off." You’d be angry too if you had to watch 82 hockey games a year.

An employee of the Philadelphia Eagles has said he’s sorry for spitting on the midfield star at the Dallas Cowboys' new stadium. In retrospect he says he wished he crapped on it instead.

The New Jersey Nets have decided to ban gambling on their flights. Sadly that was the only way their players might have won something this year.

The New Jersey Nets have fallen to a franchise-worst 3-34. Things are so bad fans are no longer even bothering to cut eye holes out of their paper bags.

Stephen Jackson recently compared shooting free-throws to making love to his wife. In related news, Stephen Jackson’s wife has a HUGE hole.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

David Stern has suspended Gilbert Arenas without pay, saying the Wizards guard is "not currently fit to take the court." Neither is Glen Davis, but the Celtics still let him play.

Gilbert Arenas has accused David Stern of being “mean.” The rest of the NBA has accused Gilbert Arenas of being a horrible trash talker.

Roberto Alomar came within ten votes of being elected into the Hall of Fame. It must be frustrating knowing he was within spitting distance.

The Washington Nationals have signed reliever Matt Capps. The club can barely wait to misspell his name on the backs of thousands of jerseys.

Matt Holliday has agreed to a seven-year, $120 million deal with the Cardinals. That’s not bad for a man who’s best remembered for trying to catch a fly ball with his nuts.

The Kansas City Chiefs are reportedly interested in Charlie Weis. It’s nice to know that at least one team no longer checks references.

Domino’s CEO David Brandon has been named the new athletic director at the University of Michigan. Apparently Papa John wasn’t available. Brandon plans to make a number of sweeping changes including replacing the hash marks at Michigan Stadium with Cinnastix.

Jimmie Johnson and his wife are expecting their first child. It’s amazing how much you can get done during a pit stop.

The New York Knicks recently rejected Magic Johnson’s request for free tickets. We’re not sure what’s more shocking: the fact that anyone would say no to Magic, or the fact that he actually wanted to watch the Knicks.

Chad Ochocinco says he recently tested out his injured left knee by having sex. In related news, the Cincinnati Bengals offer the best rehab ever.