You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

A 300 lb. sign from the New Jersey Nets’ practice facility recently toppled over. Luckily no one was injured since the Nets never practice.

Donovan McNabb has been traded to the Redskins for two draft picks. There must be an easier way of getting free Chunky Soup than that.

A pair of jockeys recently exchanged blows at the Santa Anita Derby. Luckily it was just a small fight.

Al Harrington says he would like to re-sign with the New York. Ironically the Knicks have no interest in signing someone with such low self esteem.

A restaurant in Thailand has made a life-size replica of Tiger Woods out of condoms. The creation of the figure required 500 prophylactics, or as Woods would call it, a good day.

Brian Kelly has admitted that the Notre Dame Fighting Irish stink at the moment. In other words, they’ve improved dramatically.

Tiger Woods’ longtime adviser, John Merchant, has blamed Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley for corrupting his client. Merchant went onto blame Isiah Thomas for global warming and Dominique Wilkins for destroying Atlantis.

The Blue Jays have locked up outfielder Adam Lind for another four years. That’s nothing. Authorities expect to lock up Milton Bradley for 8-10 years by June.

Andrew Bogut’s season is over after fracturing his right hand. Something tells us this isn’t the big break most Bucks fans were hoping for.

The NCAA is on the verge of expanding the men's basketball tournament to 96 teams. In the interest of saving time they also plan to reduce the women’s tournament to one team: UCONN.

Tiger Woods finally hit the links for some practice at Augusta National. It’s the first time someone in his family has swung a club in public in six months.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tiger Woods says he’s excited to return to the Masters. It will be his first foursome in months.

Tiger Woods’s return to the Masters is expected to boost television viewership of the event by 16 percent. And that’s just his exes.

EA Sports has released a sneak peak of NFL Madden 11. The game is so realistic that you can actually smell the alcohol on Matt Leinart’s breath.

Dwight Gooden has been charged with driving under the influence of drugs. Police knew for certain he was high when he got out of his car and tried snorting the highway divider lines.

Incoming Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov reportedly doesn’t own a cell phone and never uses the Internet. That goes a long way in explaining why he bought the Nets.

Shawn Bradley is running for the Utah State Legislature. Given the way he runs he should get there sometime by 2030.

A new study has revealed that the Yankees are the best paid figures in sports. They’re followed closely by the Mavericks, the Lakers and the women Ben Roethlisberger pays to stay quiet.

The Minnesota Timberwolves have now lost their 16th consecutive game. In their defense, those 5 guys at the YMCA were a lot tougher than they looked.

NASCAR was forced to postpone its Martinsville race due to heavy rainfall. On the positive side, many racing fans received their first shower in months.

The chief executive of the New Jersey Nets says he has no regrets about arguing with a fan who wore a paper bag over his head. However, he does have a few regrets about being the chief executive of the New Jersey Nets.

Tiger Woods has set up a learning center in Southern California. Enrollment in his sex ed classes is already full.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The New Jersey Nets are offering free tax preparation for anyone who comes to a game. It’s an amazing deal if you don’t mind having your taxes prepared by Keyon Dooling.

Michael Jordan reportedly paid $175 million for the Bobcats. That’s just $175 more than the next highest bidder.

A record 52 players were moved at the NHL’s trade deadline. Unfortunately for them none of them were moved to other sports.

The Cubs have signed Cuban defector Juan Yasser Serrano. The 21-year-old must still pass a physical exam, although that shouldn’t be a problem for a man who swam all the way from Cuba to Miami.

The New York Knicks missed all 18 three pointers in a loss to the Nets. If there were such a thing as four pointers they probably would have missed a few of those too.

Rodney Stuckey caused a tremendous stir when he fainted during a game against the Cavs. You’d think by now Pistons fans would be used to dramatic collapses.

Georgetown's leading scorer Austin Freeman has been diagnosed with diabetes. Fortunately his long-term playing career should not be affected since, like most Hoyas, he probably won’t have one.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas is hoping to return to Cleveland. After all, it’s one of the few places in America where a guy who looks like Uncle Fester doesn’t stand out.

Nate Burleson announced on Twitter that he has joined the Detroit Lions. Burleson decided to forgo a press conference because he didn’t want everyone to see him cry.

Dodgers catcher Russell Martin is expected to miss the rest of Spring Training with a pulled groin. Something tells us he won’t miss it very much.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

108,000 fans attended the NBA All-Star Game in Dallas. It’s the largest crowd ever to be bored by a professional basketball game.

The Nets have placed Mike Krzyzewski on their wish list. Right next to a fifth win.

David Stern expects the Charlotte Bobcats to be sold in the next 60 days. In related news, a fool and his money will soon be parted.

Tyrus Thomas could be headed to Minnesota. In related news, Tyrus Thomas’s agent could be on the verge of getting fired.

The Cincinnati Bengals are interested in signing Matt Jones and Pacman Jones. It’s unclear whether they’re trying to improve their team or form a gang.

Allen Iverson has hinted he could be retiring soon. Three years after he should have.

Frank Thomas has announced he’s “done” with baseball. That’s hardly surprising since baseball has been done with him for nearly a decade.

Floyd Mayweather believes he could have played in the NBA. It’s amazing what a guy will say after getting hit in the head a few thousand times.

B.J. Upton has lost his arbitration hearing with the Rays. It’s the biggest win Tampa Bay has had since 2008.

Larry Bird says the Pacers’ rebuilding plan is right on target… for 2050.

The St. Louis Rams have officially been sold to an Illinois businessman named Shahid Khan. The team will henceforth be known the St. Louis Tax Write-offs.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Gilbert Arenas has promised to stay away from Washington Wizards games… just like millions of other D.C. basketball fans.

Adidas is considering dropping Gilbert Arenas. On the positive side, he’d be a perfect pitchman for Smith & Wesson.

New reports claim that Gilbert Arenas once defecated in teammate Andray Blatche's shoe. Oddly enough, Hallmark actually makes a card for that.

Los Angeles Clippers announcer Michael Smith has pleaded not guilty to stealing $735,000 from a golfing buddy. If convicted, Smith will be forced to continue broadcasting Clippers games for the next 25 years.

Allen Iverson has said he may skip the All-Star game if he’s selected. Apparently someone told him there may be a practice.

Maple Leafs head coach Ron Wilson says he’s "pissed off." You’d be angry too if you had to watch 82 hockey games a year.

An employee of the Philadelphia Eagles has said he’s sorry for spitting on the midfield star at the Dallas Cowboys' new stadium. In retrospect he says he wished he crapped on it instead.

The New Jersey Nets have decided to ban gambling on their flights. Sadly that was the only way their players might have won something this year.

The New Jersey Nets have fallen to a franchise-worst 3-34. Things are so bad fans are no longer even bothering to cut eye holes out of their paper bags.

Stephen Jackson recently compared shooting free-throws to making love to his wife. In related news, Stephen Jackson’s wife has a HUGE hole.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Don Nelson is still recovering. Not from pneumonia, but from watching the Warriors.

David Stern believes women will soon play in the NBA. In related news, David Stern will evidentially say anything to get laid.

The New York Yankees are close to establishing a free agent budget. The only question that remains is whether it will be higher than the GDP of Latvia or the GDP or Liechtenstein.

Giants defensive end Justin Tuck has called Cowboys left tackle Flozell Adams a "dirtbag." Even Adams had to agree the name is a major upgrade over Flozell.

Larry Brown is reportedly pushing for another trade. And this time he’s trying to trade himself.

A woman has taken out a 100 foot restraining order against Baltimore Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs. Quarterbacks around the NFL are expected to follow suit shortly.

New Jersey has set an NBA record by losing their first 18 games of the season. Things have gotten so bad the World Wildlife Fund has now added Nets fans to its list of endangered species.

The Mets are close to a deal with free-agent catcher Henry Blanco. All he needs to do now is fail his physical.

Cleveland running back Jamal Lewis has been put on injured reserve with post-concussion symptoms. Officials first suspected his brain had been damaged when he placed a sizeable bet on the Browns.

Nate McMillan is scheduled to undergo surgery to repair a ruptured right Achilles tendon. The Blazers coach allegedly injured himself after removing his foot from Andre Miller’s ass.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The undermanned New Jersey Nets had to use a chair in place of a player during a recent practice. Sadly, the chair scored 25 points.

A group of scientists have ruled that disabled sprinter Oscar Pistorius has an unfair advantage over his fellow runners. Not in competition, but in finding a decent parking spot.

Mike Holmgren says he has interest in joining the 1-8 Browns. That’s good news: they could use him on defense.

The New Jersey Nets have no intention of firing head coach Lawrence Frank. No matter how much he begs.

Reggie Bush has missed practice for the third straight day. In his defense, it’s taken him that long just to walk around Kim Kardashian’s ass.

Mike D'Antoni recently referred to the Knicks as being "dead in the water." In related news, New Yorkers has been advised to boil their water for the next two weeks.

Devin Hester had his pants pulled down while trying to make a catch. The Bears haven’t been that exposed since their loss to the 49ers.

Northeastern University has decided to drop its football program. Sadly, the Cleveland Browns have decided to keep theirs.

Retired NBA star Jayson Williams has agreed to a plea deal that would send him to prison for three years. Luckily for Williams his seven seasons with the Nets have prepared him well for serving hard time.

Major League Soccer is on the verge of creating a 20th franchise. For those of you keeping track at home, that’s one team for every fan.

Rex Ryan says he isn’t ashamed that he recently cried in front of his players. Well sure, once you get past the shame of coaching the Jets you can pretty much accept anything.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Larry Brown has reportedly been texting Allen Iverson. We’re not sure what more surprising: the fact that Allen Iverson knows how to read or the fact that Larry Brown knows how to operate technology made after 1943.

The Knicks have decided to pass on signing Allen Iverson. Their decision marks the first time in years the words “Allen Iverson” and “pass” have been uttered in the same sentence.

Tennessee has dismissed two freshmen football players charged in an attempted armed robbery. What a shame: if they went to Miami they would have gotten a credit for it.

Dennis Rodman has been detained in Germany after a hotel said he skipped out on a $5,000 bill. That’s nothing: Rodman used to spend that much just on dress alterations.

Miami believes it’s found a way to lure LeBron James and Chris Bosh to the Heat. It’s called “a miracle.”

Zack Greinke has been named the American League’s CY Young Award winner. The Royals plan to celebrate his victory by quitting while they’re ahead.

Broncos coach Josh McDaniels recently referred to Jim Zorn as coach of the Chargers. It’s an understandable mistake since Zorn has just as much say in both team’s offenses.

Eagles running back Brian Westbrook plans to visit two concussion specialists in Pittsburgh… or New York. Frankly he can’t remember which.

The Warriors are interested in trading Monta Ellis. Don Nelson is even willing to throw in a moped to sweeten the deal.

The Nets are now 0-11. Things haven’t been this bleak in New Jersey since, well, every day.