You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

108,000 fans attended the NBA All-Star Game in Dallas. It’s the largest crowd ever to be bored by a professional basketball game.

The Nets have placed Mike Krzyzewski on their wish list. Right next to a fifth win.

David Stern expects the Charlotte Bobcats to be sold in the next 60 days. In related news, a fool and his money will soon be parted.

Tyrus Thomas could be headed to Minnesota. In related news, Tyrus Thomas’s agent could be on the verge of getting fired.

The Cincinnati Bengals are interested in signing Matt Jones and Pacman Jones. It’s unclear whether they’re trying to improve their team or form a gang.

Allen Iverson has hinted he could be retiring soon. Three years after he should have.

Frank Thomas has announced he’s “done” with baseball. That’s hardly surprising since baseball has been done with him for nearly a decade.

Floyd Mayweather believes he could have played in the NBA. It’s amazing what a guy will say after getting hit in the head a few thousand times.

B.J. Upton has lost his arbitration hearing with the Rays. It’s the biggest win Tampa Bay has had since 2008.

Larry Bird says the Pacers’ rebuilding plan is right on target… for 2050.

The St. Louis Rams have officially been sold to an Illinois businessman named Shahid Khan. The team will henceforth be known the St. Louis Tax Write-offs.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Gilbert Arenas has promised to stay away from Washington Wizards games… just like millions of other D.C. basketball fans.

Adidas is considering dropping Gilbert Arenas. On the positive side, he’d be a perfect pitchman for Smith & Wesson.

New reports claim that Gilbert Arenas once defecated in teammate Andray Blatche's shoe. Oddly enough, Hallmark actually makes a card for that.

Los Angeles Clippers announcer Michael Smith has pleaded not guilty to stealing $735,000 from a golfing buddy. If convicted, Smith will be forced to continue broadcasting Clippers games for the next 25 years.

Allen Iverson has said he may skip the All-Star game if he’s selected. Apparently someone told him there may be a practice.

Maple Leafs head coach Ron Wilson says he’s "pissed off." You’d be angry too if you had to watch 82 hockey games a year.

An employee of the Philadelphia Eagles has said he’s sorry for spitting on the midfield star at the Dallas Cowboys' new stadium. In retrospect he says he wished he crapped on it instead.

The New Jersey Nets have decided to ban gambling on their flights. Sadly that was the only way their players might have won something this year.

The New Jersey Nets have fallen to a franchise-worst 3-34. Things are so bad fans are no longer even bothering to cut eye holes out of their paper bags.

Stephen Jackson recently compared shooting free-throws to making love to his wife. In related news, Stephen Jackson’s wife has a HUGE hole.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tag Heuer has announced it will continue its association with Tiger Woods. The Swiss watch maker was quick to point out that although Woods had many affairs, he was never late for any of them.

Tiger Woods has decided to take a break from golf. Why we do get the sense he’ll still be visiting 18 holes a day?

The New York Yankees have severed ties with former ace Chien-Ming Wang. A cut wang hasn’t generated this much interest since John Wayne Bobbit.

John Daly has lost 115 pounds. It’s the first time in his life he’s had smaller breasts than the women he dates.

The president of Dartmouth has apologized to his counterpart at Harvard over profanity-laden taunts made by his athletes during a squash match. On the positive side, the taunts were exceptionally well annunciated.

Marc Gasol believes the Grizzlies are better off without Allen Iverson. The 76ers are expected to reach the same conclusion sometime this week.

The Phoenix Suns are worried about Robin Lopez’s anger issues. You’d be angry too if you looked like the lovechild of Sideshow Bob and an Amish farmer.

Texas football coach Mack Brown has been given a $2 million raise. In addition to the annual increase, Brown will receive a $450,000 bonus if Texas wins the BCS title and $7 million if any of his players actually graduate.

Mark Ingram beat Toby Gerhart by 28 points to win the Heisman Trophy. Gerhart can always console himself by buying Eric Crouch’s Heisman on eBay for $9.99.

JaMarcus Russell says it’s been tough watching as his team plays without him. In his defense, it’s hard for anyone to watch the Raiders these days.

Erin Andrews was recently spotted cozying up with former Giants quarterback Jesse Palmer. At least, that’s who it looked like through the keyhole.

The New Jersey Nets are on the verge of securing $500 million in bonds to finance the construction of an arena in Brooklyn. It’s the last steps needed before they can start disappointing fans in an entirely different city.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Larry Brown has reportedly been texting Allen Iverson. We’re not sure what more surprising: the fact that Allen Iverson knows how to read or the fact that Larry Brown knows how to operate technology made after 1943.

The Knicks have decided to pass on signing Allen Iverson. Their decision marks the first time in years the words “Allen Iverson” and “pass” have been uttered in the same sentence.

Tennessee has dismissed two freshmen football players charged in an attempted armed robbery. What a shame: if they went to Miami they would have gotten a credit for it.

Dennis Rodman has been detained in Germany after a hotel said he skipped out on a $5,000 bill. That’s nothing: Rodman used to spend that much just on dress alterations.

Miami believes it’s found a way to lure LeBron James and Chris Bosh to the Heat. It’s called “a miracle.”

Zack Greinke has been named the American League’s CY Young Award winner. The Royals plan to celebrate his victory by quitting while they’re ahead.

Broncos coach Josh McDaniels recently referred to Jim Zorn as coach of the Chargers. It’s an understandable mistake since Zorn has just as much say in both team’s offenses.

Eagles running back Brian Westbrook plans to visit two concussion specialists in Pittsburgh… or New York. Frankly he can’t remember which.

The Warriors are interested in trading Monta Ellis. Don Nelson is even willing to throw in a moped to sweeten the deal.

The Nets are now 0-11. Things haven’t been this bleak in New Jersey since, well, every day.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

120 Major League Baseball players have now filed for free agency. The group includes 45 pitchers, 33 infielders and 27 of Alyssa Milano’s exes.

New York office workers reportedly tossed files and documents out windows during the Yankees victory parade. It’s a marked improvement from earlier this year when they were tossing out themselves.

San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum is facing misdemeanor charges after a state trooper approached his Mercedes and smelled marijuana. It turns out Lincecum was a little high and inside.

The Mets plan to part ways with closer J.J. Putz. Fortunately they still have plenty of other putzes in their lineup.

Allen Iverson has taken an indefinite leave from the Memphis Grizzlies… just like most of the team’s fans.

A government official has been fired for giving the Calgary Flames flu shots while thousands of people waited in line. There hasn’t been this much interest over a bunch of little pricks since the New Kids on the Block reunited.

Hall of Famer Nancy Lieberman has become the first woman to coach in the NBA Development League. It’s nice to know women are now just as capable of getting undesirable jobs as men.

Redskins owner Dan Snyder recently told reporters that the team is letting everybody down. On the positive side, they’re doing a fabulous job preparing Washington sports fans for another season of the Nationals.

Victor Zambrano's mother has been kidnapped in Venezuela. If her personality is as disagreeable as her son’s we’re sure her abductors will return her soon.

Tony Parker is expected to miss a week with a sprained left ankle. The veteran point guard was injured when an overzealous Manu Ginobili swatted him out of the sky.

Navy is still riding high after defeating Notre Dame 23-21. The Midshipmen haven’t enjoyed a victory this big since storming the beaches of Normandy.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

North Carolina guard Ty Lawson reportedly won $250 at a Detroit casino. Sadly, that makes him the fifth richest person in the city.

Experts believe Tarheels center Tyler Hansbrough has dropped 35 positions in the draft over the last four years. And that’s just the WNBA draft.

The Mets triple A affiliate is offering free tickets to all unemployed fans. We’re not sure what’s more demeaning; being told you’re not good enough to keep your job or having to watching an entire team of baseball players who were told the same thing.

Allen Iverson has said he would rather retire than come off the bench. Some people will do anything to get out of spending time with Kwame Brown.

The 49ers are uncertain about drafting Matthew Stafford because he was reluctant to talk about his parents' divorce. Luckily he did redeem himself slightly by participating in a big group hug and singing a rousing rendition of kumbaya.

A new poll has found that baseball fans want the use of instant replay expanded. In related news, a new poll has found that baseball fans want the use of instant replay expanded.

Former QB Jeff George is reportedly trying to figure out how to get back in the NFL. At this stage in his career he might want to try buying a ticket.

Danica Patrick's season got off to a rough start after she crashed in the Honda Grand Prix. On the positive side, she did learn a very valuable lesson about trying to apply her make up at 200 miles per hour.

Las Vegas bookies are predicting the New York Yankees will win 95.5 games this year. The .5 comes from simply showing up against the Kansas City Royals.

San Diego ace Jake Peavy threw five more shutout innings to finish spring training with a 0.00 ERA. The only way his spring could have been any more perfect is if he hadn’t spent it with the Padres.

Churchill Downs wants to experiment with night racing at its upcoming spring meet. The idea is expected to meet with considerable opposition since most jockeys have a strict 8:00 bedtime.

Boston College defensive tackle B.J. Raji reportedly failed a drug test at the NFL combine. It sounds like someone is trying awfully hard to get the attention of the Bengals.

Ask Ryan - Celebrate Good Times, Come On!

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like champagne showers and swimming goggles. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the greatest quarterback of all time, the lost art of the drop kick and the wickedly warped wisdom of Yogi Berra. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7397364