You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Gilbert Arenas has promised to stay away from Washington Wizards games… just like millions of other D.C. basketball fans.

Adidas is considering dropping Gilbert Arenas. On the positive side, he’d be a perfect pitchman for Smith & Wesson.

New reports claim that Gilbert Arenas once defecated in teammate Andray Blatche's shoe. Oddly enough, Hallmark actually makes a card for that.

Los Angeles Clippers announcer Michael Smith has pleaded not guilty to stealing $735,000 from a golfing buddy. If convicted, Smith will be forced to continue broadcasting Clippers games for the next 25 years.

Allen Iverson has said he may skip the All-Star game if he’s selected. Apparently someone told him there may be a practice.

Maple Leafs head coach Ron Wilson says he’s "pissed off." You’d be angry too if you had to watch 82 hockey games a year.

An employee of the Philadelphia Eagles has said he’s sorry for spitting on the midfield star at the Dallas Cowboys' new stadium. In retrospect he says he wished he crapped on it instead.

The New Jersey Nets have decided to ban gambling on their flights. Sadly that was the only way their players might have won something this year.

The New Jersey Nets have fallen to a franchise-worst 3-34. Things are so bad fans are no longer even bothering to cut eye holes out of their paper bags.

Stephen Jackson recently compared shooting free-throws to making love to his wife. In related news, Stephen Jackson’s wife has a HUGE hole.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

San Jose is interested in acquiring a professional basketball team. That rules out the Timberwolves.

Venezuelan authorities are scheduled to exhume the body of former major league pitcher Geremi Gonzalez. No word yet on when the Mets will make him a formal offer.

Michael Vick has agreed to star in an eight-part television series on BET. The show is part reality TV, part documentary and part America’s Most Wanted.

Stephon Marbury has rejected a one year, $1.3 million contract from the Boston Celtics feeling he deserves more. The only thing Marbury deserves is more scorn and more ridicule.

Al Jefferson reportedly wants to play for Team USA at the FIBA World Championship in August. Something tells us he probably isn’t the only Timberwolve who’s already looking beyond this season.

Jacques Rogge has been re-elected as president of the International Olympic Committee. Something tells us the vote probably wasn’t held in Chicago.

The Warriors defeated the Suns 104-101 in an outdoor exhibition game at the Indian Wells Tennis Garden. The score likely would have been much higher were it not for the fact the players kept on getting tangled up in the net at half court.

The Brewers are telling teams they have no intention of shopping Prince Fielder. That’s a shame, because they could make a fortune if they sold him by the pound.

LeBron James and Shaquille O’Neal say they both want the same thing this season. And that’s to avoid being shot by Delonte West.

The Warriors say they’re in no rush to trade disgruntled guard Stephen Jackson. That’s quite a coincidence since the rest of the league is in no rush to acquire him.

Ohio State quarterback Terrelle Pryor says he doesn't regret wearing Michael Vick's name in his eye black. However, he does regret asking Michael Vick to look after his cocker spaniel for the weekend.