You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Major League Baseball has fined Jonathan Papelbon $5,000 for his slow play. It’s the second time the Red Sox have been penalized this season after one of Tim Wakefield’s fastballs was fined $10,000 for taking three days to reach home plate.

Dennis Rodman recently attended the wedding of Ricky Williams. And here’s the really embarrassing part: he was wearing the same dress as the bride.

Bruce Bowen has announced he’s retiring from the NBA. Fortunately for him, anyone that dirty should have no problem transitioning into politics.

Michael Vick amassed just 61 total yards in three quarters of action against the Jets. In his defense, it’s not easy running away from linebackers when you have an electronic bracelet on your ankle.

Many pundits are predicting that Michael Vick could soon replace Donovan McNabb, despite the fact Vick is two inches shorter and 25 pounds lighter than the Eagles starting QB. As they say, it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

Curt Schilling has said he’s interested in the vacant Massachusetts senate seat once held by Edward M. Kennedy. Well sure, the empties under the seat are probably worth a small fortune.

Detroit Tigers broadcaster Ernie Harwell has been diagnosed with cancer. And here’s the real surprise; it wasn’t caused by watching the Tigers.

Veteran coach Lou Holtz has predicted Notre Dame will play in the BCS title game. Then again, Lou Holtz also predicted the South would win the Civil War.

The Nevada Supreme Court has denied O.J. Simpson's request to be let out of prison. What a shame. At the rate he’s going he’ll never be able to find his wife’s real killer.

Matthew Stafford has won the Lions' starting quarterback job. Sadly, it might be the only win he picks up all season.

The Rangers received some good news and bad news this week. The good news is slugger Josh Hamilton has received a second shot for the pinched nerve in his back. The bad news is it came from a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s.

Nationals top draft pick Stephen Strasburg has vowed to avoid drinking Cristal, hanging out at clubs and hooking up with random women. It kind of makes you wonder why he became a professional athlete in the first place.

Question of the Week

Brad, Novi, Michigan
Subj: What’s in a name?
I heard that Jonathan Papelbon has a slider-cutter hybrid pitch that he calls the slutter. Is it common for pitchers to name their specialty pitches?

Absolutely, Brad. Former Mets reliever Tug McGraw assigned names to nearly all of his fastballs, including the Lady Godiva, which had nothing on it, the John Jameson, which was fast and straight like a fine Irish whiskey, and the Bo Derek, which had a nice little tail. As amusing as his names may have been, nobody can beat the outlandish creativity of former NBA journeyman Darryl Dawkins, who coined unique handles for every one of his highlight reel dunks. Among his most legendary were the In Your Face Disgrace, the Go-rilla, the Earthquaker Shaker, the Candyslam, the Dunk You Very Much, the Turbo Sexophonic Delight, the Spine Chiller Supreme and, my personal favorite, the Chocolate-Thunder-Flying, Glass-Flying, Robinzine-Crying, Babies-Crying, Glass-Still-Flying, Cats-Crying, Rump-Roasting, Bun-Toasting, Thank You-Wham-Bam-I-Am-Jam. The NBA is a far less colorful place without Chocolate Thunder rattling its rims.

You've Got To Be Joking

The Atlanta Hawks won the NBA's first replay since 1983 by downing the Miami Heat in a game that lasted just 51.9 seconds. Sadly for true fans of the sport, Miami will return to playing 48 minute games later this week.

A recent poll has named the Heat's Pat Riley as the coach that players would least like to suit up for. Many observers assumed Isiah Thomas would win the honor, but Stephon Marbury was only allowed to cast one ballot.

Brett Favre’s sudden retirement has Green Bay Packers fans racing to memorabilia stores, eager to buy autographed items like footballs, pictures and helmets. Let’s hope for their sake that John Madden doesn’t beat them to it.

The Red Sox have offered Jonathan Papelbon a new 1-year, $775,0000 deal. Boston wanted all along to give the closer a nice raise, but not so nice that it would prompt him to remove his pants and dance in front of them.

Pro golfer Tripp Isenhour has apologized for killing a protected hawk. Only in the world of golf could nailing a birdie or an eagle illicit cheers, while nailing a hawk can prompt talk of a lifetime ban.

Terrell Suggs has filed a grievance against the Baltimore Ravens over whether he should be classified as a defensive end or a linebacker. In related news, Bears QB Rex Grossman has filed a similar grievance against Chicago over whether he should be classified as a liability or a lost cause.

The new six-team All American Football League has decided to postpone its 2008 season unless it finds additional financial backing. That’s bad news for fans in Little Rock, Knoxville and Birmingham, who will now have to amuse themselves with their second favorite pastime of dating their kin.

Miami Heat coach Pat Riley may miss several games with the team to scout NCAA draft prospects. I’m sure it will be nice for him to watch some quality basketball for a change.

A new report suggests that the New England Patriots broke league rules by videotaping opponents' signals between 2000 and 2002. If charged, the team is expected to plead insanity since several of the tapes were of the NY Jets.

QB Aaron Rodgers has reached out to Green Bay Packers fans by insisting he’s not Brett Favre. Luckily for Rodgers, that should become abundantly clear as soon as the season begins.

John Daly was spotted hanging out the Philadelphia Phillies before a recent spring training game. It’s uncertain if Daly was there to watch the action or if he’s looking for a sport that requires even less physical exertion than golf.