You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

John Daly has announced that he’s decided to stop drinking beer. In related news, Anheuser-Busch plans to lay off 10,000 employees later today.

Kenny Lofton has been named to the Cleveland Indians Hall of Fame. Or, as we like to call it, the loneliest place on Earth.

The Pittsburgh Pirates plan to put a statue of Bill Mazeroski outside PNC Park. It will go right next to the statue of Ian Snell, the last Pirates pitcher to post an ERA below 6.00.

Michael Phelps was spotted giving an attractive woman a shoulder rub at a poker tournament. It’s nice to hear someone is picking up Tiger Woods’ slack.

Several teams are reportedly interested in J.J. Redick. Unfortunately for him they all play in the ACC.

Mike D'Antoni has revealed that the Knicks are looking to make a major trade. And if D’Antoni has his way, he’ll be the first one to go.

Dr. J has put his Utah mansion on the market for $2.25 million. The 6,572-square foot villa has five bedrooms, five bathrooms and doorframes high enough to accommodate even the largest of afros.

Randy Winn has signed a $2 million deal with the Yankees. It might just be the cheapest win New York gets all year long.

Prince Fielder says he hopes to spend the rest of his career in Milwaukee. After all, it’s the only city in the U.S. where he’s actually considered svelte.

Rex Ryan has apologized for making an obscene gesture at a mixed martial arts fight. God knows, you wouldn’t want to debase a classy event like that.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Former major league All-Star Jose Offerman threw a punch at an umpire during a Dominican winter league game. Luckily for the ump, Offerman has always been a weak hitter.

Kurt Rambis says he’s embarrassed by the Timberwolves. And anyone who’s seen photos of Rambis during the 80’s knows his embarrassment threshold is remarkably high.

The Mets have reportedly lost faith in the abilities of General Manager Omar Minaya… just two years after the rest of the Western Hemisphere.

John Daly was spotted using a 20-year-old wedge at the Sony Open. It’s nice to hear Tiger Woods isn’t the only one using 20-year-olds these days

David Beckham says he uses Skype to help his son Brooklyn with his homework. That helps explain why Brooklyn is presently repeating third grade.

Michael Beasley says he wishes he worked at McDonald’s so nobody would care about his marijuana use. Luckily for him that wish is just one arrest away.

Former Net Shawne Williams is headed to prison on multiple counts of drug possession. It could be worse: he could he headed back to the Nets.

The Knicks celebrated Italian Heritage Night with the Toronto Raptors in town. The event featured Italian food, Italian music and two guys getting shoved into the trunk of a Cadillac.

Stephon Marbury has signed a contract with Shanxi Zhongyu of the Chinese Basketball Association. Apparently references were not required.

Blake Griffin expects to be healthy by late April… just in time to help the rest of his teammates clean out their lockers.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tag Heuer has announced it will continue its association with Tiger Woods. The Swiss watch maker was quick to point out that although Woods had many affairs, he was never late for any of them.

Tiger Woods has decided to take a break from golf. Why we do get the sense he’ll still be visiting 18 holes a day?

The New York Yankees have severed ties with former ace Chien-Ming Wang. A cut wang hasn’t generated this much interest since John Wayne Bobbit.

John Daly has lost 115 pounds. It’s the first time in his life he’s had smaller breasts than the women he dates.

The president of Dartmouth has apologized to his counterpart at Harvard over profanity-laden taunts made by his athletes during a squash match. On the positive side, the taunts were exceptionally well annunciated.

Marc Gasol believes the Grizzlies are better off without Allen Iverson. The 76ers are expected to reach the same conclusion sometime this week.

The Phoenix Suns are worried about Robin Lopez’s anger issues. You’d be angry too if you looked like the lovechild of Sideshow Bob and an Amish farmer.

Texas football coach Mack Brown has been given a $2 million raise. In addition to the annual increase, Brown will receive a $450,000 bonus if Texas wins the BCS title and $7 million if any of his players actually graduate.

Mark Ingram beat Toby Gerhart by 28 points to win the Heisman Trophy. Gerhart can always console himself by buying Eric Crouch’s Heisman on eBay for $9.99.

JaMarcus Russell says it’s been tough watching as his team plays without him. In his defense, it’s hard for anyone to watch the Raiders these days.

Erin Andrews was recently spotted cozying up with former Giants quarterback Jesse Palmer. At least, that’s who it looked like through the keyhole.

The New Jersey Nets are on the verge of securing $500 million in bonds to finance the construction of an arena in Brooklyn. It’s the last steps needed before they can start disappointing fans in an entirely different city.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

John Daly recently posted his worst score ever in a regular PGA Tour event. In fact, his score was so high many observers mistook it for his blood alcohol level.

Arizona runningback Beanie wells has lost 22 pounds since April. His ability to lose big makes him a perfect fit for the Cardinals.

Heavy rainfalls postponed the Pocono Cup. On the positive side, many NASCAR fans were treated to their first shower in nearly a month.

Lamar Odom has signed a three year extension with the Los Angeles Lakers. Specifics weren't discussed, but Odom should have no problem maintaining his strict diet of Laffy Taffy and Peppermint Puffs for many years to come.

Former Cy Young Award winner Cliff Lee says he feels no pressure after joining the Phillies. In fact, after leaving Cleveland all he feels is relief.

Injured infielder Jose Reyes was recently spotted dancing all night at a Latino hotspot in Washington Heights. In his defense, he was just ecstatic not to be watching the Mets.

Detroit Tigers reliever Joel Zumaya is scheduled to have season-ending shoulder surgery in August. His season is ending so early it’s almost as if he plays for the Detroit Lions.

Insiders believe Ricky Rubio is still two years away from joining the NBA. And one million years away from joining the Minnesota Timberwolves.

Titans runningback LenDale White has dropped 30 pounds over six months simply by giving up tequila. John Daly once tried the same thing and all he lost was six months.

Jamaal Tinsley is looking for a one-year deal with either New York or Miami. Strippers in both towns are awaiting his decision with baited breath.

Nuggets guard J.R. Smith has been released from a New Jersey jail. It’s not what you think – he was just there to get more tattoos.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Chris Bosh has refused to sign an extension with Toronto. It’s hard to say what’s more devastating: the fact that the Raptors are on the verge of losing their leading scorer or the fact that the Canadian Government is on the verge of losing its leading tax payer.

Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton is expected to miss two months with an abdominal strain. Luckily for him he has plenty of experience with rehab.

The Atlanta Braves have cut two-time Cy Young Award winner Tom Glavine. The team plans to cap off the week by burning effigies of Hank Aaron and Eddie Mathews.

The Pirates have begun their annual fire sale by trading all-star outfielder Nate McClouth. Anyone interested in a starting pitcher, photocopier or a coffee machine is encouraged to inquire within.

The NHL has elected not to outlaw hits to the head. After all, if your head was functioning fully you wouldn’t be playing hockey in the first place.

All Sport has signed John Daly as an endorser. The soft drink company doesn’t entirely support his antics, but no one else on the PGA Tour has a larger belly on which to paste their corporate logo.

Barack Obama has picked the L.A. Lakers to win the NBA Finals in six games. If he bets enough money he might even be able to bail out G.M.

Trojans forward Marcus Johnson has decided to enter the NBA Draft. Hopefully his new team will be able to match whatever he was making at USC.

Mindy McCready has agreed to star in VH-1's Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew. Anyone who’s survived a relationship with Roger Clemens should have no problem breezing through rehab.

Rex Ryan has predicted the Jets will win a Super Bowl in the next three years. The NFL is expected to begin testing his urine immediately.

Joe Montana’s rookie card just sold at an auction for $65,880. In related news, Joe Montana plans to spend the next three days rummaging through his attic.

A Major League scout believes David Ortiz could be older than his records suggest. Based upon his recent struggles we’re guessing he’s at least 89.

WNBA president Donna Orender recently told reporters that her league is in excellent shape. Then again, she also enjoys watching women’s basketball, so how good could her judgment really be?

Getting Animated

It’s time for another hilarious episode of Sports Talk Weekly, the show that trashes athletes and sports via animated shorts. In this week’s installment we take aim at Lebron James, Kobe Bryant, Raphael Nadal, the Stanley Cup Finals, John Daly, Jeremy Shockey, Zach Grienke, Blake Griffin, Manny Ramirez, the Mets, Patrick Roy and much, much more! Check it out by clicking here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Detroit Lions’ Thanksgiving games have averaged 11.9% of U.S. households over the last decade. The number would probably be a lot lower if the tryptophan didn’t make it impossible for most viewers to turn the channel.

A new survey has found that 69.1 percent of all professional athletes live a luxurious lifestyle. The other 30.9 percent live in Cleveland.

John Daly recently spoke about his past troubles, telling the press, “I'll get through anything people can throw at me." Especially if it happens to be a six pack and a carton of cigarettes.

The Memphis Grizzlies are currently in the market for shooters. It’s about time someone put them out of their misery.

Barry Bonds has landed an endorsement deal for a company that specializes in high-powered hunting rifles. It’s the perfect partnership for a man who’s been known to go off without warning.

GM and Tiger Woods have ended their nine-year endorsement deal. Apparently neither side wanted to be associated with such a broken down commodity.

The NFL will broadcast next week’s Chargers-Raiders game live in 3-D at theaters across the country. The image is expected to be so enhanced that Al Davis might even look life-like.

The Pittsburgh Pirates have signed two reality show contestants who have never played organized baseball. Experts expect them to be completely indistinguishable from the rest of the team.

Rumors persist that Charlie Weis’ buyout at Notre Dame is smaller than originally thought. It’s believed to be the first time the words “small” and “Charlie Weis” have ever been uttered in the same sentence.

The International Olympic Committee has decided to cut the modern pentathlon from five events to four, with pistol shooting and running being combined into a single event. Former Ohio State runningback Maurice Clarett can hardly wait to bring home the gold.

Stephon Marbury has said that his suspicion of Mike D'Antoni is so deep he wouldn't trust him to walk his dog across the street. And this is coming from a man who actually came out in defense of Michael Vick.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The University of Wisconsin marching band has been suspended indefinitely while allegations of alcohol abuse and sexual misconduct are investigated. Apparently the tubas weren’t the only things they were blowing.

New York Knicks center Eddy Curry has yet to practice with the team due to a mysterious illness. Doctors have identified the ailment by its scientific name of overweightus outofshapeus.

Stephon Marbury is producing a 45-minute fitness video due out for the Christmas shopping season. The timing is perfect since Marbury has had a long association with ho ho hos.

Former Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry has been arrested following a multi-kilogram cocaine bust. On the positive side, his newfound knowledge of the metric system should make him a natural fit in the Canadian Football League.

Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Jeff Suppan posted a 15.00 ERA during the NLDS. The veteran righthander was so ineffective he may start next season coming out of the bullpen… as a giant chorizo sausage.

The Milwaukee Brewers are considering taking a run at free agent pitcher C.C. Sabathia. Luckily for them, they won’t have to run very fast.

Josh Howard has called himself an "idiot" for his videotaped disparagement of the national anthem. The Mavericks forward went on to state that America has always been one of his favorite countries in the U.S.A.

Miami Heat general manager Randy Pfund has resigned from the team. His departure is expected to leave the franchise totally pfucked.

John Daly is considering moving to England and playing regularly on the European tour. It should be a relief for Daly to go to a place where beer is considered a breakfast food. The 42-year-old Daly has made just $56,017 this year, $50,000 of which came from returning his empties.

Wiley Publishing has just released another printing of Football for Dummies. The Lions are hoping to have a copy in their hands sometime before next Sunday.

Chicago has picked up Lou Piniella's option for 2010. Incidentally that’s also how many years it’s been since the last time the Cubs reached the World Series.

The Houston Rockets have released center Marcus Campbell. The strategic move should provide enough room at the end of the bench for both Dikembe Mutombo and his walker.

You've Got To Be Joking

The Atlanta Hawks won the NBA's first replay since 1983 by downing the Miami Heat in a game that lasted just 51.9 seconds. Sadly for true fans of the sport, Miami will return to playing 48 minute games later this week.

A recent poll has named the Heat's Pat Riley as the coach that players would least like to suit up for. Many observers assumed Isiah Thomas would win the honor, but Stephon Marbury was only allowed to cast one ballot.

Brett Favre’s sudden retirement has Green Bay Packers fans racing to memorabilia stores, eager to buy autographed items like footballs, pictures and helmets. Let’s hope for their sake that John Madden doesn’t beat them to it.

The Red Sox have offered Jonathan Papelbon a new 1-year, $775,0000 deal. Boston wanted all along to give the closer a nice raise, but not so nice that it would prompt him to remove his pants and dance in front of them.

Pro golfer Tripp Isenhour has apologized for killing a protected hawk. Only in the world of golf could nailing a birdie or an eagle illicit cheers, while nailing a hawk can prompt talk of a lifetime ban.

Terrell Suggs has filed a grievance against the Baltimore Ravens over whether he should be classified as a defensive end or a linebacker. In related news, Bears QB Rex Grossman has filed a similar grievance against Chicago over whether he should be classified as a liability or a lost cause.

The new six-team All American Football League has decided to postpone its 2008 season unless it finds additional financial backing. That’s bad news for fans in Little Rock, Knoxville and Birmingham, who will now have to amuse themselves with their second favorite pastime of dating their kin.

Miami Heat coach Pat Riley may miss several games with the team to scout NCAA draft prospects. I’m sure it will be nice for him to watch some quality basketball for a change.

A new report suggests that the New England Patriots broke league rules by videotaping opponents' signals between 2000 and 2002. If charged, the team is expected to plead insanity since several of the tapes were of the NY Jets.

QB Aaron Rodgers has reached out to Green Bay Packers fans by insisting he’s not Brett Favre. Luckily for Rodgers, that should become abundantly clear as soon as the season begins.

John Daly was spotted hanging out the Philadelphia Phillies before a recent spring training game. It’s uncertain if Daly was there to watch the action or if he’s looking for a sport that requires even less physical exertion than golf.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s sports shorts.

The New York Knicks received some good news and some bad news this week regarding combustible point guard Stephon Marbury. The good news is that Marbury is back with the team. The bad news is that Marbury is back with the team.

The University of Alabama is looking into acquiring a live elephant for its football game day festivities. Baring that, they’ll simply see if John Daly is available.

Dick Pound has announced he’s stepping down as president of the World Anti-Doping Agency. Although a replacement has yet to be found the organization is currently leaning towards either Lance Cox or Lexington Boner.

New York Knicks radio announcer Gus Johnson was recently criticized for clapping every time New York scored a basket in a game against the Clippers. We’re not sure what’s more shameful: the fact that he has no objectivity or the fact that he’s a Knicks fan.

Alex Rodriguez and the New York Yankees have agreed to the outline of a 10-year, $275 million contract. Although it may sound expensive, the Yankees were willing to do anything to avoid dealing with Scott Boras for a full decade.

Barry Bonds has been indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice and is scheduled to appear in court on December 7th. Now comes the fun part: seeing if his head can actually fit into a mug shot.

The Boston Red Sox have announced that ticket prices at Fenway Park will jump 9 percent next season. Unfortunately the ticket increase isn’t steep enough to prevent Ben Affleck from still attending games.

The NFL has sent the Jaguars a memo reminding them their team mascot Jaxson de Ville isn't supposed to be in the 6-foot white border surrounding the field. The memo officially squashes the team’s plans of using the giant plushy jaguar on third and long situations.

Hall of Fame pitchers Jim Palmer and Dennis Eckersley were spotted dining at a ritzy restaurant in North Palm Beach. The pair shared a 12-ounce sirloin steak, which Palmer began and Eckersley finished.

Redskins owner Dan Snyder was spotted with five security guards before a recent home game. You know you’re in for a long season when your owner receives better protection than your quarterback.

Former NFL coach Denny Green recently had an audience with Pope Benedict XVI at the Vatican in Rome. It’s fitting that the two men finally got to meet since they’ve spent most of their careers surrounded by cardinals.

Ask Ryan - Getting Defensive

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like the Cleveland Indians and tee times. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the greatest NFL defense of all time, the most dominant slugger in World Series history and Ty Cobb's suicidal tendencies. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/7374114

Ask Ryan - It's A Small World After All

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like John Daly and drained beer kegs. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about Vinny Testaverde's recent resurgence, the longest contract in NBA history and the surprisingly lucrative world of miniature golf. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7346302

Funny You Should Ask

Okay Gang, it’s time for this week’s burning question. Which of the following athletes would you most like to see on Dancing with the Stars?

a. John Daly
b. Manute Bol
c. Mike Tyson
d. William “The Refrigerator” Perry

Please discuss amongst yourselves.