You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Miami Heat have been tabbed to play several preseason games in Europe next October as part of NBA Europe Live 2008. The showcase is intended to show foreign fans that absolutely anyone can play basketball.

NFL owners are considering a proposal to ban players from having hair obscure the names on their jerseys. Luckily for offensive linemen, the potential policy does not include back hair.

Denver center Nene had to shake off the cobwebs in his first game back after undergoing surgery to remove a malignant testicular tumor. The 6’11 Brazilian attributed his rustiness to not handling enough balls during his layoff.

The Dallas Cowboys are continuing to pursue Titans cornerback Pacman Jones. Their latest offer is believed to include a seventh round draft pick, a player to be named later, a medley of fruit and thousands of tiny power pellets.

Rain, lightning and thunder forced the suspension of third-round play at the Zurich Classic. The foul weather proved for the first time this year that Tiger Woods isn’t the only force of nature that can take over a golf tournament.

Former NBA player Isaiah Rider must appear in court next month after being arrested for driving a stolen car. If he isn’t more careful he could start giving guys named Isaiah a bad name.

This just in: UNC center Tyler Hansbrough may have finally blinked. We’ll keep you posted as more details become available.

The Miami Heat scored only 17 baskets in an 88-62 loss to the Celtics. On the positive side, the WNBA has expressed interest in adding them as an expansion franchise.

Australian Olympic swimmer Nick D'Arcy was charged Monday with assault following a nightclub altercation in Sydney. Apparently swimming isn’t the only thing he does like a fish.

Chinese President Hu Jintao presided over the re-lighting of the Olympic torch Monday in Beijing. And here’s the really good news: not a single Tibetan was set on fire during the incident.

Commissioner Bud Selig has confirmed that Major League Baseball is hard at work on a more reliable HGH test. The new test will completely do away with science and simply flag any player who resembles his own bobblehead.

Question of the Week

Aaron, Chicago, IL
Subj: The best in the biz
Hey Ryan, who’s your all-time favorite sports broadcaster?

I’ve always been a huge fan of the incomparable Bob Uecker. Although this former Cardinal backstop was never an All-Star, he’s certainly a Hall Of Famer when it comes to poking fun at his limited abilities. According to Uecker, "Anybody with ability can play in the big leagues. But to be able to trick people year in and year out the way I did, I think that was a much greater feat." One of my other favorite Uecker quotes is about the importance of good timing. "If a guy hits .300 every year, what does he have to look forward to? I always tried to stay around .190, with three or four RBI. And I tried to get them all in September. That way I always had something to talk about during the winter." A winner of the Ford C. Frick Broadcasting Award, Uecker is now in his 38th year of calling balls and strikes for the Milwaukee Brewers.

Ask Ryan - Let The Madness Begin

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like heartbreak and ice cream. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about Kurt Russell's baseball career, the origins of March Madness and the greatest college ballers of all time. Read all about it at Fox Sports.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Major League Baseball Players' Association plans to investigate why Barry Bonds remains unsigned. Bonds' agent, Jeff Borris has said it would take his client just two weeks to get ready: one week to regain his timing at the plate and one week to find a hat that actually fits.

Dodgers pitcher Chan Ho Park is still angry that Chinese security forces refused to let him sign autographs for a group of fans in Beijing. The news has come as a shock to many observers who didn’t realize that Park actually had any fans.

The NBA will consider an expansion of instant replay. In related news, the NBA will consider an expansion of instant replay.

France's foreign minister has backtracked from comments suggesting he is open to a boycott of the Beijing Olympics' opening ceremonies. Wow, a Frenchman backing down from confrontation. What were the odds?

The Miami Heat hit a new low by losing to the Toronto Raptors 96-54. The loss represents the third-lowest point total in the shot-clock era and the lowest since the game was played by men named Nat, Jellybean and Dutch.

A new poll has found that more New Yorkers are fans of the Red Sox then they are of the Knicks. It’s hardly surprising considering that the Red Sox are clearly the better basketball team.

Texas shortstop Michael Young had his house egged by his teammates as part of a Spring Training prank. Although Young isn’t certain who was responsible, he has ruled out the Rangers pitching staff since the eggs actually hit their mark.

Pacers forward Mike Dunleavy recently told reporters that his father is his biggest fan. Something tells me there wasn’t a lot of competition for the position.

Personal trainer Brian McNamee fainted while driving and crashed his car head-on into a city bus. Oddly enough, the incident was considerably more painless than having to deal with Roger Clemens.

The WWE has suspended wrestler Afa Anoai for violating their drug and steroid policy. Evidentially he forgot to take them.

Former Yankees third baseman Graig Nettles will undergo prostate surgery early next month. Fortunately for Nettles, the procedure won’t be nearly as a big of a pain in the butt as playing for George Steinbrenner.

New York Giants' season ticket holders will have to pay $7 more per ticket to watch the Super Bowl champions next season. Fans who can’t afford the pay increase can simply borrow Bill Belichick’s tapes of the games.

Question of the Week

Matthew, Syracuse, NY
Subj: The Magic Kingdom
Hey Ryan, I’m hoping you can settle a debate for me. Who was the first pro athlete to say “I’m going to Disney World!”?

Superb question, Matthew. That honor belongs to Phil Simms. The former New York Giants quarterback was approached by Disney representatives one week prior to Super Bowl XXI and asked to utter the phrase if his team won the game. He declined, but the reps kept on persisting and on January 25, 1987 he rattled off the now legendary line following the Giants’ convincing 39-20 victory over the Broncos. The iconic phrase has been uttered by nearly every Super Bowl MVP since, with the possible exception of Ray Lewis, who was famously not asked where he was going when Baltimore won the championship in 2001. Perhaps that’s because the phrase “I’m going to prison” isn’t quite as inspiring.

Ask Ryan - Legendary Little Leaguers

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like March Madness and lost productivity. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the NHL's premiere two-sport star, the brainiest guy in baseball and the NBA's most improved player. Read all about it at Fox Sports.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

An Oregon urology clinic is offering a special deal on vasectomies to coincide with March Madness. It’s nice to know that you can still make the cut even if your team doesn’t.

NFL Films has laid off nearly 10 percent of its workers. Luckily they should have no problem finding work with the New England Patriots.

Bud Selig is the highest paid among the league commissioners of baseball, football, basketball and hockey. In fact, his salary is so high it’s almost like it’s on steroids or something.

Tampa Bay outfielder Rocco Baldelli will begin the season on the disabled list because of a condition that leaves him feeling extremely fatigued after short workouts. Doctors are tentatively calling it John Daly Disorder.

Miami guard Dwyane Wade has started to undergo shockwave therapy on his injured left knee. The innovative treatment is rumored to be almost as painful as watching the Heat.

Canada earned a berth in the Olympic baseball tournament, defeating South Korea 4-3. The victory was particularly surprising since the Canadians were using hockey sticks.

The Cavaliers have signed 6-foot-11 center Lance Allred to a 10-day contract, making him the NBA’s first legally deaf player. Ironically, Allred is the only one who hasn’t heard the news.

Daisuke Matsuzaka’s wife has given birth to the couple’s first son. The newborn weighs 6 pounds, 10 ounces and is expected to pitch fifth in the Red Sox’s rotation.

Indiana Pacers Jamaal Tinsley and Marquis Daniels have avoided a trial on charges stemming from a 2007 bar fight. You know your team is in a rut when your only victories come in court.

Chipper Jones now has his own signature beverage called Chipper Chardonnay. It’s the perfect product for a man who’s always been a whiner.

Michael Vick's trial has been delayed yet again. Prosecutors are believed to be waiting for the dog days of summer.