Speaking Of Sports...

This week’s quote comes from Kobe Bryant, who donned a daring pair of retro short shorts in a tip off against the Boston Celtics. Take it away, Kobe!

"I don't know what it feels like to wear a thong, but I imagine it feels something like what we had on in the first half. I felt violated. I felt naked. It's one thing to see films with guys wearing those things. ... I'd rather stay warm, man."

Question of the Week

Maurice, Cincinnati, OH
Subj: NASCAR vs. NBA
I get so sick and tired of my co-workers dogging me on my love for the NBA! And what is more perplexing is their infatuation with NASCAR. I'm not trying to knock NASCAR, even I delight in seeing the crashes on Sportscenter, but is it really a sport? On one hand, you have possibly the best athletes in the world, and on the other you have average guys driving super cars. . . .Is there really any comparison?

Superb question, Maurice. Although I’m not about to paint a giant number 3 on the side of my barn, I do believe NASCAR is a bona-fide sport. After all, it’s covered in the sport section, it’s broadcast on ESPN and it fulfills Merriam-Webster’s requirement as being “a physical activity engaged in for pleasure.” Now, with that said, I’m just as adamant in my belief that NASCAR drivers are NOT athletes. In my opinion, athletes are finely-conditioned physical specimens with exceptional agility, stamina and strength, not gas-huffing hillbillies who spend more time going around in circles than a one-winged pigeon. Consider, for instance, the curious case of James Hylton. The NASCAR veteran posted the 15th fastest time in the final practice session for the 2007 Daytona 500 despite being 72 years old. Something like that would never happen in the NBA or NFL, where an older, less athletic competitor would likely drop dead before halftime. Until drivers have to start peddling their cars around the track like Fred Flintstone, I’ll always consider NASCAR to stand for “Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks”.

Ask Ryan, P.I.

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like mistletoe and harassment charges. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the NFL's oldest player, Tom Selleck's brief basketball career and the origins of the Goodyear Blimp. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/7606980

Question of the Week

Randy, Toronto, ON
Subj: Rock ‘em sock ‘em hockey
Everyone knows that hockey is a violent sport, but what’s the most gruesome hockey incident you’ve ever heard of?

Although several players have been knocked unconscious on the ice, only one unlucky puckhead has ever been set on fire. The bizarre incident occurred in a 1930 Quebec Junior Hockey game when goalie Abie Goldberry was hit by a flying puck that instantly ignited a pack of matches in his back pocket. The good news is that Goldberry’s teammates eventually managed to control the blaze. The bad news is that he was saddled with the unfortunate nickname of “Flamer” for the rest of his career.

Ask Ryan - Green With Envy

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like Bill Walton and long-winded monologues. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the worst team in NFL history, Beantown's sporting supremacy and George Steinbrenner's brand new high school. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7587476

Picture This

Feast your eyes on the latest Christmas-themed illustration from my good friend and fellow collaborator Harrison Wheeler. Harrison is an accomplished cartoonist living in Hamilton, Ontario and his superb sports and entertainment-themed cartoons will be gracing this site regularly in the months to come. If you would like to see more of Harrison’s excellent work please visit his blog at: http://www.jesterinjapan.blogspot.com/

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s sports shorts.

Penny Hardaway received some good news and some bad news this week. The bad news is he was cut by the Miami Heat. The good news is the team is still interested in signing Little Penny to solidify their point guard position.

Jets coach Eric Mangini has admitted that his team videotaped the New England Patriots at Gillette Stadium last season. Here’s the creepy part: the taping was done exclusively in the shower stalls.

Senate majority leader George J. Mitchell has released his 409-page report on illegal drug use in baseball. The report is so big you practically have to be on steroids just to lift it.

13 Ohio State underclassmen have filled out the paperwork to gauge where they might go in the NFL draft. For most of the players it was the first time they had used a pen and paper since entering college.

A new high school opening in 2009 in Tampa, Florida, will be named the George Steinbrenner High School. Steinbrenner himself has already hired and fired Billy Martin four times for the position of school principal.

The 2012 U.S. Olympic track and field trials will be held in Eugene. A somewhat frazzled Eugene could not be reached for comment.

Alex Rodriguez has revealed that he and agent Scott Boras are not speaking to each other. The only surprising part about his revelation is that it didn’t interrupt a major sporting event.

The NHL has asserted that widespread use of performance-enhancing drugs is not an issue among hockey players. Of course it isn’t. You have to make decent money before you can afford steroids.

Question of the Week

Tom, Atlanta, GA
Subj: Too legit to quit
Hey Ryan, is it true that M.C. Hammer used to work for Major League Baseball?

That’s correct Tom. Long before becoming the best-dressed celebrity on Hollywood Squares, Stanley Kirk Burrell worked as a batboy for the Oakland A’s from 1972 until 1980. Of course, fetching bats was only part of his job. Notoriously paranoid owner Charlie Finley also depended on him to be his eyes and ears in the clubhouse, a duty for which he earned the nickname “Pipeline.” As he recalls, “Every time I came down to the clubhouse, you know, Rollie Fingers would yell out ‘Oh, everybody be quiet! Here comes Pipeline!’” Luckily for Burrell, the derogatory nickname was soon replaced when Reggie Jackson began calling him “Little Hammer” due to his uncanny resemblance to a young Hammerin’ Hank Aaron. The name stuck and M.C. Hammer has been 2 legit 2 quit ever since.

Ask Ryan - Life in the Fast Lane

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like Marv Albert and ill-fitting toupees. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the NBA's longest playoff drought, the largest margin of victory in the shot-clock era and the fastest man in baseball history. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/7555526

Picture This

Feast your eyes on the latest Christmas-themed illustration from my good friend and fellow collaborator Harrison Wheeler. Harrison is an accomplished cartoonist living in Hamilton, Ontario and his superb sports and entertainment-themed cartoons will be gracing this site regularly in the months to come. If you would like to see more of Harrison’s excellent work please visit his blog at: http://www.jesterinjapan.blogspot.com/

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Cyclist Lance Armstrong was spotted dining with Matt Damon at a posh club in Miami. Sounds like another case of three nuts out on the town.

Forward Anderson Varejao told reporters he’s happy to be back with the Cavaliers. His announcement marks the first time in history that anyone has been excited about moving to Cleveland.

The Los Angeles Dodgers have agreed to a 2-year, $36.2 million deal with centerfielder Andruw Jones. For those of you keeping track at home that’s $500,000 for every single hit.

Two Texas A&M football players have been charged in an alleged armed robbery of a College Station apartment. Luckily it’s Texas A&M so they should get a credit for it.

Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry won his appeal of a one-year suspension over a failed drug test. Just as importantly, no one was impregnated during the proceedings.

Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has reportedly been sending daily gifts to Jessica Simpson. Let’s hope for his sake Terrell Owens doesn’t get upset that he’s no longer his top receiver.

David Beckham has earned the job of being the official backstage photographer for the SPICE GIRLS. That is, assuming he doesn’t get injured.

Injured Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett is now walking on his own at a Houston rehab center. Although he’s still months away from running, doctors are happy to report that Everett already has more mobility that J.P. Losman.

Forbes magazine has named the New York Knicks the NBA’s most valuable franchise. Non one is happier about the news than the team’s majority stock holder, Anucha Browne Sanders.

Reports have surfaced that former Vancouver Canucks coach Marc Crawford ordered Todd Bertuzzi’s hit on Colorado forward Steve Moore. On the positive side, it’s the first time that NHL has been front page news in nearly three years.

Indiana Pacers guard Jamaal Tinsley and several companions were targeted in a shooting outside a downtown Indianapolis hotel. Luckily most of the shots missed wildly, leading police to suspect that one of the shooters may have been fellow teammate Troy Murphy.

Vladimir Guerrero has almost fully recovered from an irritated right triceps injury that prevented him from playing right field for the Angels at the end of the season. With a little bit of luck he’ll be back to hitting balls ten feet out of the strike zone in no time.

Question of the Week

Andy, Rice Lake, WS
Subj: Irvin in the Hall Of Fame???
Why is it that Big Mac couldn't get into the Baseball HOF when he didn't break any rules about anything, but Michael Irvin got in the Football HOF when he was suspended for cocaine? Sounds like someone's getting screwed.

Last I checked, Andy, cocaine wasn’t a performance enhancing drug. According to the Partnership for a Drug Free America, the short-term effects of Bolivian Marching Powder include constricted peripheral blood vessels, dilated pupils, increased temperature, blood pressure, insomnia, loss of appetite, irritability, anxiety and an overwhelming desire to knock over 7-11’s. Granted, Michael Irvin wasn’t exactly a model citizen, but unlike Mark McGwire, his drug of choice didn’t give him an unfair competitive advantage. If anything, it just made him talk a little bit faster during his post game interviews.

Ask Ryan - What Might Have Been

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like athletes and trophy wives. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about Reggie Jackson's football career, Mike Conley Jr.'s early struggles and the intricacies of A-Rod's new contract. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7530044

Picture This

Feast your eyes on the latest illustration from my good friend and fellow collaborator Harrison Wheeler. Harrison is an accomplished cartoonist living in Hamilton, Ontario and his superb sports and entertainment-themed cartoons will be gracing this site regularly in the months to come. If you would like to see more of Harrison’s excellent work please visit his blog at: http://www.jesterinjapan.blogspot.com/

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. has been selected NASCAR’s most popular driver for the fifth straight year, drawing more than 1.5 million votes online. The news comes as a surprise to many experts who didn’t realize racing fans actually knew how to use a computer.

One of Michael Vick's co-defendants has been sentenced to 18 months in prison on federal dog fighting conspiracy charges. In case you’re wondering, that’s 126 months in dog years.

Gatorade inventor Dr. Robert Cade has died of kidney failure at the age of 80. A small service will be held later this week for family and friends followed by the dumping of two large coolers of orange Gatorade on his coffin.

Dick's Sporting Goods has purchased Chick's Sporting Goods for $71 million. We always suspected that Chicks loved Dicks.

Ricky Williams’ season is now over after he tore a chest muscle. If only he had something ion hand to help alleviate his pain.

The Boston Celtics blew out the New York Knicks by 45 points. The only way the game could have been more one-sided is if Isiah Thomas had allowed Spike Lee to play point guard.

South Carolina football coach Steve Spurrier was recently spotted visiting Duke’s campus. Don’t get your hopes up football fans. He was just on his way to a lacrosse party.

St. Louis manager Tony La Russa has pleaded guilty to driving under the influence, eight months after police found him asleep inside his running SUV. No word yet on whether La Russa will also own up to drunken managing after the Cards finished 6 games below .500 this past season.

Harness driver Tim Tetrick has broken the single-season record with his 1,078th victory of the year. Tetrick has been riding his horses so hard this year that they’re already starting to smell like glue.

Blackhawks forward Tuomo Ruutu was detained by police while jogging because he fit the description of an armed robbery suspect. That’s what you get for broadcasting your games on Versus.

HBO is planning to make a film out of Game of Shadows. No word yet on who will play Barry Bonds, although producers seem to be favoring one of the heads from Mount Rushmore.

Question of the Week

Jim, Aberdeen, SD
Subj: The greatest team of all time
Hey Ryan, could the Harlem Globetrotters beat an NBA team?

Absolutely, Slim Jim. Although most observers dismiss the Globetrotters as being a bunch of oversized clowns, it’s important to remember that their roster has included basketball royalty like Wilt Chamberlain, Connie Hawkins and Meadowlark Lemon. While the Trotters have traditionally beaten up on patsies like the Washington Generals, they have also fared well against real competition like the world champion Minneapolis Lakers, whom they beat twice in two exhibition games in 1948 and 1949. Granted, they’d have their hands full against today’s Lakers, but you can never underestimate how a well-timed bucket of confetti can disrupt a team’s rhythm.

Ask Ryan - Fore! God And Country

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like NASCAR and feathered mullets. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about Gilbert Arenas' blog, Hank Aaron's early struggles and the best golfer in U.S. Presidential history. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7501428

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you soak up this week's sports shorts.

Ricky Williams has put a book on his life story on hold. No surprise there. The Dolphins running back can’t even read a piece of paper without trying to roll it afterwards.

Tom Lasorda, Vin Scully and other Dodgers greats will ride on the team's first-ever float in the Rose Bowl Parade. The float will contain extra fuel since the Dodgers always seem to run out of gas right at the end.

Washington Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas underwent two different surgical procedures on his left knee and will miss about three months. Unfortunately for the NBA, his typing hand still appears to be in tiptop shape.

Alabama coach Nick Saban has been criticized for comparing the horror of Crimson Tide's loss against La.-Monroe to Pearl Harbor. In his defense, he was referring to the movie, not the historical event.

Rapper Lil' Romeo has signed a letter of intent to play basketball at USC. If it prevents him from making music we’re all for it.

The NBDL began its seventh season this week. No one is quite sure why.

Japan's Mizuki Noguchi will wear a pair of shoes made of rice husks in her bid to win a second straight Olympic marathon gold in Beijing. The 29-year-old hopes her footwear will help reduce the temperature of her feet while also remaining far fresher than the previous shoes she wore made out of veal cutlets.

LaDainian Tomlinson has become the 23rd player in NFL history with more than 10,000 yards rushing. Ironically he could have reached the milestone in half the time if he simply played against the Chargers rather than for them.

Question of the Week

Robert, Fort Worth, TX
Subj: Missionary Impossible
Whatever happened to Shawn Bradley? It seems like he’s just disappeared.

You have a point, Robert. Given Bradley’s quiet demeanor, his picture is far more likely to appear on the back of a milk cartoon than on the front of a box of Wheaties. According to the Salt Lake Tribune, this former Dallas Maverick is currently working as a vice principal and counselor at Utah’s West Ridge Academy, a non-profit school that specializes in helping boys and girls with a variety of challenges. "Shawn has a great presence - due to his size - and has immediate credibility with the kids," says Ken Allen, the school’s executive director. "He is a great example of someone who has worked hard and been very successful.” Although “The Mormon Mantis” doesn’t have a teaching degree, his 12 years in the NBA have given him the perfect foundation for dealing with delinquents with ADHD, ADD and anger management issues.

Ask Ryan - Who Was That Unmasked Man?

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like O.J. Simpson and legal fees. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the last NHL goalie to play without a mask, the evolution of the football and Mel Blount's thriving second career. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7475480

Picture This

Feast your eyes on the latest illustration from my good friend and fellow collaborator Harrison Wheeler. Harrison is an accomplished cartoonist living in Hamilton, Ontario and his superb sports and entertainment-themed cartoons will be gracing this site regularly in the months to come. If you would like to see more of Harrison’s excellent work please visit his blog at: http://www.jesterinjapan.blogspot.com/

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s sports shorts.

The New York Knicks received some good news and some bad news this week regarding combustible point guard Stephon Marbury. The good news is that Marbury is back with the team. The bad news is that Marbury is back with the team.

The University of Alabama is looking into acquiring a live elephant for its football game day festivities. Baring that, they’ll simply see if John Daly is available.

Dick Pound has announced he’s stepping down as president of the World Anti-Doping Agency. Although a replacement has yet to be found the organization is currently leaning towards either Lance Cox or Lexington Boner.

New York Knicks radio announcer Gus Johnson was recently criticized for clapping every time New York scored a basket in a game against the Clippers. We’re not sure what’s more shameful: the fact that he has no objectivity or the fact that he’s a Knicks fan.

Alex Rodriguez and the New York Yankees have agreed to the outline of a 10-year, $275 million contract. Although it may sound expensive, the Yankees were willing to do anything to avoid dealing with Scott Boras for a full decade.

Barry Bonds has been indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice and is scheduled to appear in court on December 7th. Now comes the fun part: seeing if his head can actually fit into a mug shot.

The Boston Red Sox have announced that ticket prices at Fenway Park will jump 9 percent next season. Unfortunately the ticket increase isn’t steep enough to prevent Ben Affleck from still attending games.

The NFL has sent the Jaguars a memo reminding them their team mascot Jaxson de Ville isn't supposed to be in the 6-foot white border surrounding the field. The memo officially squashes the team’s plans of using the giant plushy jaguar on third and long situations.

Hall of Fame pitchers Jim Palmer and Dennis Eckersley were spotted dining at a ritzy restaurant in North Palm Beach. The pair shared a 12-ounce sirloin steak, which Palmer began and Eckersley finished.

Redskins owner Dan Snyder was spotted with five security guards before a recent home game. You know you’re in for a long season when your owner receives better protection than your quarterback.

Former NFL coach Denny Green recently had an audience with Pope Benedict XVI at the Vatican in Rome. It’s fitting that the two men finally got to meet since they’ve spent most of their careers surrounded by cardinals.

Question of the Week

Dwight, Frankfort, Indiana
Subj: Put 'em up
What is the longest boxing match in history and who was involved?

The world’s longest pugilistic contest took place April 6, 1893 in New Orleans between Andy Bowen and “Texas” Jack Burke. The two men took turns beating the snot out of each other for 7 hours and 19 minutes before the match was finally declared a “no contest” when both fighters were unable to emerge from their respective corners. Burke never fought again and Bowen died on December 14th of the following year after striking his head on the floor in a match against George "Kid" Lavigne. All things considered, it makes Mike Tyson’s ear chomp seem almost humane.

Ask Ryan - Fit As A Fiddle

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like Tom Brady and swooning women. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the history of the rally cap, which sport has the world's most physically fit athletes and the identity of Verizon's omnipresent "Test Man." Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7449884

Speaking Of Sports...

This week’s quote comes from Seattle SuperSonics coach P.J. Carlesimo, who is still assessing the strengths and weaknesses of the team’s three point guards. Take it away P.J.!

"We have to find out who we're going to start, who we're going to use as a backup and who we're going to screw."

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Luke Ridnour might want to pick up some lube while he still has time.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week's sports shorts.

Brett Favre admitted to being woozy, confused and disoriented after taking an elbow to the head in Green Bay’s 34-0 victory against Minnesota. Now he knows how Terry Bradshaw feels every day of his life.

A local real estate magnate remains poised to buy the Minnesota Timberwolves if they become available. He must really love amateur athletics.

The NFL plans to keep about 70% of U.S. households from being able to see the New England Patriot’s final match by restricting the broadcast to its own cable channel. Luckily for fans, Bill Belichick will be taping the game.

The Philadelphia Phillies acquired closer Brad Lidge and infielder Eric Bruntlett from the Astros for three players. The deal was completed so quickly that Scott Boras didn’t even have the chance to interrupt it with an announcement about Alex Rodriguez.

Dallas center Mike Modano broke Phil Housley's NHL record for career points by an American-born player. Sadly, being the best American hockey player is almost as worthless as having the best tan in a leper colony.

A new study has shown that NCAA football games are 3:21 longer than they were a year before. Notre Dame has offered to speed things up by simply punting on the first down.

A new study has shown that having an enlarged heart is the biggest cause of sudden death among young athletes. Luckily that shouldn’t affect anyone on the Miami Dolphins since they’ve repeatedly shown that they have no heart at all.

Baseball general managers have decided that first- and third-base coaches will wear some sort of head protection during games next season. Where was this rule when Don Zimmer really needed it?

Sam Hornish Jr. has announced he’ll be moving to NASCAR in 2008. The three-time Indy Car Series champ is expected to spend the next two months living in a trailer and dating his sister so he’ll truly be prepared for the experience.

Question of the Week

Ben, Freeport, ME
Subj: Bigger is better
Where can I find the world’s biggest baseball bat?

If you’re looking for a little good wood you’d be well advised to check out the Louisville Slugger Museum & Factory. Located on 800 West Main Street in Louisville, Kentucky, this baseball lover’s paradise is home to a 120-foot high steel behemoth that the company claims is an exact-scale replica of Babe Ruth's famous 34-inch bat. At 68,000 lbs. it’s the second heaviest thing in baseball next to Barry Bonds’ head!

Ask Ryan - Swinging For The Fences

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like football and tailgating. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about baseball's most overpriced superstars, Reggie Jackson's first run-in with a professional scout and Bill Belichick's unrelenting drive to the Super Bowl. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7419684

Picture This

I’m very pleased to introduce a new animated feature courtesy of my good friend and fellow collaborator Harrison Wheeler. Harrison is an accomplished cartoonist living in Hamilton, Ontario and his superb sports and entertainment-themed cartoons will be gracing this site regularly in the months to come. If you would like to see more of Harrison’s excellent work please visit his blog at: http://www.jesterinjapan.blogspot.com/

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s sports shorts.

Actress Katie Holmes ran the New York City Marathon on Sunday in 5 hours, 29 minutes and 58 seconds. She likely could have posted a better time if Tom Cruise hadn’t forced her to hand out scientology pamphlets along the way.

Sammy Sosa wants to play in the Major Leagues next year, provided a team offers him a contract for at least $7 million. Apparently cork is more expensive than it looks.

Detroit quarterback Jon Kitna dressed up as a naked man for a teammate's Halloween party last week. It was an appropriate choice since he’s been exposing his shortcomings all season long.

The last ball from Boston's 2007 World Series victory has mysteriously gone missing. Sources close to Doug Mientkiewicz report that the veteran first baseman is already working on his alibi.

Boston knuckleballer Tim Wakefield expects to undergo an arthrogram on his right shoulder this week. On the positive side, Wakefield is probably the only pitcher in the league who could be confined to an iron lung and still make 35 starts.

Los Angeles forward Lamar Odom sustained a slight concussion in an automobile accident. The force of the crash was reportedly so severe that Odom is now convinced the Lakers have a shot at the championship.

NBA commissioner David Stern has said that the Knicks are "not a model of intelligent management." Isn’t that a little bit like saying “Michael Jackson is not a good babysitter”?

San Francisco 49ers kicker Joe Nedney has been fined $7,500 for giving the finger to a group of fans in New Orleans. You have to love a city where flashing your breasts will get you a handful of beads but flipping the bird will get you a massive fine.

A judge who sentenced Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid's sons to jail likened the coach's home to "a drug emporium." In related news, former runningback Ricky Williams has asked if he can come over for the weekend.

Lakers owner Jerry Buss has been suspended two games and fined $25,000 by the NBA for his drunk driving charge. In his defense, paying Vladimir Radmanovic $5 million a season would drive anyone to drink.

Spanish researchers say that beer is better than water for re-hydrating after a hard workout. That certainly explains how John Daly managed to win the 1991 PGA Championship.

Yankees manager Joe Girardi has revealed that he will wear No. 27. The number has special significance since it represents the number of players on his roster who will be making more money than he is.

Question of the Week

Josh, Valparaiso, IN
Subj: Brian Urlacher
Why is it, year after year, Brian Urlacher is considered an over rated player? The guy is obviously a team leader, and is always on top of the ball. I just don't get it.

Neither does his coach, Brian. According to Lovie Smith, "He's one of the best players in the National Football League. I thought that before I got here; I'm totally convinced of it now that I am here. I'll challenge anybody who says anything different." Although I don’t want to get in a bout of fisticuffs with Poppa Bear, Urlacher’s problem could have to do with overexposure. Despite the fact that he’s a five-time Pro Bowler, this “Monster of the Midway” has built up an impossibly big profile due to his endorsements for McDonald’s, Sega, Domino’s Pizza and Campbell’s Chunky Soup. Nike hardly helped matters when they mythologized him in a series of over-the-top ads. Quite frankly, how can anyone live up to that kind of hype? Urlacher’s distracters also criticize him for struggling to elude bigger blockers and sometimes disappearing on the field. Of course, how any one 6’4” and 258 lbs. can disappear is beyond me.

Ask Ryan - Celebrate Good Times, Come On!

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like champagne showers and swimming goggles. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the greatest quarterback of all time, the lost art of the drop kick and the wickedly warped wisdom of Yogi Berra. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7397364

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s sports shorts.

Florida football coach Billy Donovan may need to undergo back surgery to repair a host of disc, vertebrae and ligament problems. In related news, Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis may need to undergo extensive plastic surgery if he ever hopes to show his face around South Bend.

Chicago Bears star Brian Urlacher has admitted that he has an arthritic condition in his back. We always suspected playing with Brian Griese was tough, but we had no idea it would age him so fast.

The ambulance crew who picked up a dying runner during the Chicago Marathon apparently got lost on the way to a hospital. As if that weren’t bad enough, the extra driving around added an additional 25:13 to the runner’s overall time.

Second overall draft pick Kevin Durant has been reduced to hobbling around on crutches after severely spraining his ankle. It’s uncertain whether the news will cause Seattle’s lone season ticket holder to demand a refund.

Browns rookie Brady Quinn was forced to wear a USC football jersey during a recent interview after losing a bet to former Trojans QB Rodney Peete. It could have been worse. He could have been forced to wear a Notre Dame jersey.

Allen Iverson is out of the Nuggets lineup after injuring his left quadriceps in practice. Sadly, this injury could easily have been prevented if team officials had bothered to listen to Iverson’s stance on practice.

The Heat have traded perpetually out of shape forward Antoine Walker to the Timberwolves. Now that he’s in Minnesota, Walker will have no choice but to start running simply to stay warm.

The Tour de France is expected to have a whole new look for 2008. According to organizers, the event’s new course will be just three and a half blocks long in order to accommodate cyclists who aren’t on HGH.

Kobe Bryant is angry with Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak, whom he believes is blocking a potential trade with unreasonable demands. It must be so frustrating when someone else’s unreasonable demands get in the way of your own.

Sacramento Kings guard Mike Bibby will miss the first six weeks of the regular season after tearing a ligament in his left thumb. Luckily his middle finger is still okay so he can continue communicating with his critics.

Competitive eater Joey Chestnut set a new record by devouring 103 small hamburgers in only 8 minutes. A jubilant Chestnut celebrated afterwards by drinking 55 bottles of Pepto Bismol in just under 3 minutes.

The Boston Red Sox are on top of the world after winning their second World Series championship in four years. And here’s the really good news: we won’t have to watch Jonathan Papelbon dance for another 12 months.

Speaking Of Sports...

Our latest quote of the week comes from the Round Mound of Rebound himself, Charles Barkley. Take it away Sir Charles!

“We don't need refs, but I guess white guys need something to do.”

Question of the Week

Debra, Lanham, MD
Subj: Cheerleaders
Does every time in the NFL have cheerleaders and if not, which teams don't?

Superb question Debra. Sadly there are seven misguided teams in the NFL that do not employ cheerleaders. They include the Chicago Bears, the Green Bay Packers, the Detroit Lions, the Pittsburgh Steelers, the Cleveland Browns, the New York Jets and the New York Giants. In the case of the New York Giants, team officials have resisted hiring cheerleaders in order to make fans focus on the game itself. As for Pittsburgh, I’m going to have to assume the team couldn’t find 25 attractive women within the city limits. At any rate, you can rest assured that I’m presently lobbying my congressman to see what he can do to end this sad travesty.

Ask Ryan - Getting Defensive

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like the Cleveland Indians and tee times. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the greatest NFL defense of all time, the most dominant slugger in World Series history and Ty Cobb's suicidal tendencies. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/7374114

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s sports shorts.

The Colorado Rockies were forced to practice indoors after a freak snowstorm blanketed their stadium. It was only a matter of time before Hell started freezing over.

Atlanta has been awarded a WNBA expansion team for the 2008 season. We thought the city already had a WNBA franchise: the Hawks.

The View co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck will be leaving the show to move to Arizona where her husband Tim was recently signed by the Cardinals. No word yet on whether the deal was brokered by Rosie O’Donnell.

A recent tennis tournament in Madrid used busty adult models as ball girls. The women were chosen due to their ability to stay on their knees for long periods of time.

The Atlanta Thrashers have fired head coach Bob Hartley after the team got off to a 0-6 start. The news came as a shock to many around the league who didn’t realize that Atlanta still had a team.

A woman has accused NBA star Jason Kidd of groping her this month at a trendy Manhattan nightspot. So much for having the quickest hands in the league.

Jerome James could be forced to undergo season-ending surgery to repair his right knee. On the positive side, missing 82 games shouldn’t affect his production one bit.

The Buffalo Bills have announced they are seeking approval to play at least one regular-season game in Toronto. That’s just what Toronto needs: another team that hasn’t won anything in a decade.

Low levels of radioactive waste have been found during the cleanup of the main site for the 2012 London Olympics. On the positive side, keeping the waste in place should allow sprinters to run the 100 meter dash in negative 3.5 seconds.

Wizards guard DeShawn Stevenson has said that he plans to get his entire back tattooed as a jersey. His decision is expected to lead to the most confusing game of shirts and skins ever.

French hurdler Naman Keita has been suspended two years after testing positive for massive amounts of testosterone. Authorities first became suspicious when Keita’s 35 pound testicles kept on hitting the hurdles he was trying to clear.

Speaking Of Sports...

Today’s quote comes from nine-time Wimbledon champion Martina Navratilova, one of the most relentless competitors of her generation. Take it away Martina!

“Whoever said, 'It's not whether you win or lose that counts,' probably lost.”

Ask Ryan - It's A Small World After All

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like John Daly and drained beer kegs. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about Vinny Testaverde's recent resurgence, the longest contract in NBA history and the surprisingly lucrative world of miniature golf. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7346302

You've Got To Be Joking

Take a load off your feet as you enjoy this week’s sports shorts.

Jalen Rose is honoring his Fab Five basketball teammates at Michigan with a billboard near where he grew up. Fittingly, the billboard is just as two-dimensional as he is.

Sunday’s Saints-Seahawks game was delayed for eight minutes when NBC's suspended Cable Cam camera began falling toward the field. Sports fans haven’t seen a collapse that dramatic since the Mets.

NBA commissioner David Stern insists he hasn't ruled out punishing the Knicks for being found liable in a sexual-harassment suit. Isn’t letting Isiah Thomas keep his job punishment enough?

Blazers first-round pick Petteri Koponen has just completed his required six-month stint in Finland's army. Finally, an NBA player who can actually shoot straight.

USC quarterback John David Booty said he hopes to play this weekend against rival Notre Dame. No surprise there. Even Charlie Weis would like to play against Notre Dame right now if he could.

Kobe Bryant sat out practice for the second straight day because of a sore right knee. Surprisingly his right foot appears to be fine despite the fact that it’s spent most of the preseason lodged firmly in his mouth.

Lions receiver Roy Williams spent the day delivering pizzas as part of a special promotion for Pizza Hut. The nationwide chain originally tried using Detroit quarterback Jon Kitna but all of his pizzas kept on getting intercepted.

Ask Ryan - The Long And Short Of It

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like Zach Randolph and all-you-can-eat buffets. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the shortest player in NFL history, the most prolific ladies man in pro sports and Kevin Costner's baseball career. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7321704

Speaking Of Sports...

This week's quote comes from legendary Lakers pivot Wilt "The Stilt" Chamberlain. Take it away Big Dipper!

"They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their minds."

Ask Ryan - More Tall Tales

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like the New York Mets and heartbreaking disappointment. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the NFL's tallest receiver, Omar Vizquel's shot at Cooperstown and the most popular college mascot in the U.S. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/7296606

You've Got To Be Joking

Kick up your heels as you enjoy this week's sports shorts.

The Washington Post has reported that the cost of installing a new artificial turf field is now as low as $1 million. Don’t tell that to Michael Vick. Everyone knows he prefers grass.

Operators of Paul Brown Stadium in Cincinnati want permission from the city to kill pigeons that have been pooping on ticket buyers. The news comes as a surprise to many league insiders who didn’t anticipate the shit would hit the fan until much later in the season.

The New York Giants set a team record by sacking Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb 12 times in a 16-3 victory. In fact, McNabb spent so much time on his back with his legs in the air that many spectators mistook him for Paris Hilton.

Barry Bonds made what many expect will be his last home appearance as a San Francisco Giant. Although he’s likely to leave the Bay Area after this season, fans can rest assured that they’ll still be able to spot his gargantuan melon no matter what part of the country he ends up in.

Baseball has set a new attendance record for the fourth straight season. No word yet on whether the totals will be accompanied with an asterisk.

1,010 models got together at Bondi Beach in Australia recently to pose for the world's biggest swimsuit shoot. It’s believed to be the largest collection of boobs since the last time the Atlanta Falcons took to the field.

Portland Trail Blazers star Brandon Roy has re-injured the bottom portion of his left foot. Team officials are unconcerned, however, since they’re used to dealing with heels.

Ethiopian runner Haile Gebrselassie set a new world record at the Berlin Marathon by finishing the race in 2 hours, 4 minutes and 26 seconds. It’s incredible how fast an Ethiopian will run when you tell him there’s food at the finish line.

Pittsburgh shortstop Jack Wilson has been released from a hospital after being observed overnight for a concussion. Wilson’s condition was so severe that he actually thought the Pirates had a shot at the playoffs.

Pat Bertoletti inhaled 21 pounds of buttery, goopy grits in 10 minutes to win $4,000 in the World Grits Eating Championship at Louisiana Downs. Bertoletti is expected to use the money as a down payment for his first of many triple bypass surgeries.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

Do you need more than one Ask Ryan column to get you through the week? Dip into my Fox Sports archive at: http://msn.foxsports.com/search?sp-q=ask+ryan Happy reading and keep your balls on the court!

Speaking Of Sports...

This week’s quote comes from English boxer Ricky “The Hitman” Hatton who has been busy promoting his upcoming fight with Floyd Mayweather Jr. Take it away Ricky!

"I've spent the whole week with him and it's like spending it with a six-year-old boy. If I end up like that, shoot me!"

Ask Ryan - The Adventures of the 20 Million Dollar Man

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like Ken Griffey Jr. and pulled groins. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about Justin Gatlin's whereabouts, college football's grand old man and Manny being Manny. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/7268364

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week's sports shorts.

American skier Bode Miller has vowed to avoid alcohol all year long. It’s still unclear if his decision is intended to boost his athletic performance or if Miller was simply tired of going home at 2 with a 10 and waking up at 10 with a 2.

The NBA plans to announce the formation of a Chinese subsidiary. The new league promises to be the only basketball organization in the world where the fans are actually taller than the players.

The Houston Rockets have finally come to terms with Dikembe Mutombo, making him the oldest player in the league. In fact, Mutombo is so ancient that his first basketball card was printed in hieroglyphics.

Eagles signal caller Donovan McNabb has said that black quarterbacks face greater scrutiny from fans than their white counterparts. Tim Couch could not be reached for comment.

Six University of Texas football players have now been arrested since June. Who do these guys think they are, the Bengals?

Rockets center Yao Ming will miss the team's media day and first two days of practice to appear at the Special Olympics in Shanghai. Wow. I always just assumed that he had a heavy accent.

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are now marketing their very own brand of hot sauce. Unlike the team itself, the product can still be enjoyed beyond June.

The Giants recently dedicated a mural celebrating the team's history in San Francisco. The 10 foot by 70 foot design is now believed to be the second largest thing in AT&T Park next to Barry Bonds’ head.

Speaking Of Sports...

Our latest quote of the week comes from Tim McCarver, who offers some interesting insight into his relationship with former Cardinals teammate Bob Gibson. Take it away Tim!

“I remember one time going out to the mound to talk with Bob Gibson. He told me to get back behind the batter, that the only thing I knew about pitching was that it was hard to hit.”

Ask Ryan - The Juice is Loose

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like O.J. Simpson and criminal proceedings. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about inspiring workout music, the fastest man in NFL history and Calvin Murphy's legendary loins. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/7246524

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and enjoy my latest rim-rocking collection of sports shorts.

Portland has announced that Greg Oden will miss his entire rookie season after undergoing knee surgery. The Blazers haven’t had a joint problem this serious since Damon Stoudemire left town.

An imposter masquerading as a priest snuck into Notre Dame's home opener this season without a credential. Nothing new there. Notre Dame’s roster has been littered with imposters all season long.

A change of plea hearing is scheduled later this month in the drug case of former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson. I’m not a legal expert but I’d personally suggest a plea of insanity.

Phoenix beat Detroit 108-92 to capture their first WNBA championship in franchise history. The news came as a shock to many insiders who didn’t realize the WNBA still existed.

O.J. Simpson has been accused of directing several other men in an armed at a Las Vegas hotel. So much for whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Deion Sanders and his wife Pilar are taping a reality show on the Oxygen network entitled Prime Time Love. It should be interesting to see how they interact given the way Deion has always shied away from contact.

Motown legend Stevie Wonder, R. Kelly and White Sox outfielder Jermaine Dye were spotted together at a posh restaurant in Chicago. The news came as a surprise to Wonder who assumed that he was simply dining alone.

Kasey Kahne is on the verge of signing a lucrative new sponsorship deal with Budweiser. The two sides are still haggling over a clause that requires Kahne to chug 12 Bud Lites before the beginning of each race.

Speaking Of Sports...

Our latest quote of the week comes from Hammerin' Hank Aaron, who proves that the only thing harder than hitting a Big League curveball is hitting a golf ball on a stationary tee. Take it away Hank!

"It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."