Monday, March 3, 2008

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Pittsburgh Pirates have announced plans to add an "all-you-can-eat" section for the 2008 season. It’s uncertain whether the decision was made to appease fans or to attract free agent pitcher David Wells.

LeBron James became the youngest player in NBA history to reach 10,000. Incidentally, that’s 10,000 points, not 10,000 women.

Roger Clemens could be facing jail time following allegations that he lied under oath. Luckily the former Cy Young winner has always looked good in pinstripes.

The Knicks have had preliminary discussions with Kiki Vandeweghe about replacing Isiah Thomas in the front office. No word yet on who will pick up the slack when it comes to harassing the franchise’s female employees.

Minnesota forward Antoine Walker missed a recent trip to Toronto because of a problem with his passport. It’s too bad there wasn’t a basketball hoop nearby or he could have proven his identity by missing 15 3-pointers in a row.

Stephon Marbury has been instructed by Isiah Thomas not to attend Knicks home games. Ironically, most of the team’s season ticket holders would love to receive the same order.

The Green Bay Packers are in hot water after erroneously reporting that Brett Favre was set to retire. The false report was so shocking it caused John Madden’s heart to stop for three full minutes.

Calvin Klein has offered Tom Brady a deal to appear in a high profile underwear campaign. It’s a natural fit for a man who was last seen getting undressed by the Giants’ defense.

Cornerback Randall Gay has agreed to a four-year contract with the New Orleans Saints. The deal was initially opposed by the Catholic Church who were uncomfortable with the words gay and saints appearing within the same sentence.

China dominated the World Team Table Tennis Championships in a tournament seen as a preview of this summer's Beijing Olympics. Sadly, none of the team members will be allowed to celebrate their victory at Disneyworld since they’re too short to go on the rides.