You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Joe Dumars has said he’d like to have a new coach for the Pistons by July 7. It’s nice to know that at least one company in Detroit is still hiring.

Randy Johnson could be headed to the DL with a strained shoulder. No word yet on whether he also pulled his Big Unit.

The Jazz are interested in trading Carlos Boozer. It certainly won’t be the first time that a Boozer has been forced out of Salt Lake City.

Titans quarterback Vince Young says he’s been hit hard by the death of Steve McNair. In all fairness, we think it probably hit Steve McNair a little harder.

Daniel and Henrik Sedin have agreed to identical five-year contract extensions with the Vancouver Canucks. In fact, the contracts look so much alike that only their parents can tell them apart.

A game between San Diego and Houston was delayed by 52 minutes when a swarm of bees took over left field at Petco Park. Apparently not even God wanted to see another Padres game.

The Cleveland Indians have traded minor league pitcher John Meloan to the Tampa Bay Rays for righthander Winton Abreu. If you’ve heard of either of these players you officially watch too much baseball.

Lance Armstrong finished 10th in the opening stage of the Tour de France: just good enough to make doping officials suspicious, but not so good as to completely piss off the French.

Roger Clemens' lawyer says the pitcher was not among the more than 100 players who tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003. Unfortunately Clemens did test positive for being a douchebag every year from 1984 onwards.

Washington Nationals pitcher Joe Beimel has said he’d like to go to another team. In all fairness, Washington’s entire front office has also said the same thing.

Swiss sensation Roger Federer has won his sixth Wimbledon title. However, Federer did have a major advantage since his racket also turned into a knife, a bottle opener and a compass.

Talking Points - Strahan Steps Down

Welcome back for another edition of Talking Points, a handy cheat sheet designed to help you hold your own in any water cooler discussion. In this week’s column, I’ll examine Roger Clemens’ Viagra dependency, Michael Strahan’s retirement and Dontrelle Willis’ demoralizing demotion. Read all about it here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

New Reports suggest that Roger Clemens had a decade-long relationship with country star Mindy McCready that began when she was 15-years-old. Something tells us that’s not what the Red Sox had in mind when they began their youth mentoring program.

An umpire who took a 96 mph fastball to the right side of his jaw was released from a hospital, hours after briefly losing consciousness. Authorities have since labeled the case assault by a battery.

The University at Buffalo’s top basketball player has been suspended indefinitely by the school for posting an ad on the Internet offering to pay someone to write a course paper. Come on, he’s an athlete; shouldn’t people be writing his papers for free?

Two jockeys have been inducted into the Horse Racing Hall of Fame. It’s one of the few places in the world where you actually have to be shorter than the Charley Brown cut-out in order to get in.

Golfer Colin Montgomerie married his longtime sweetheart over the weekend in what many pundits labeled the number one Scottish social event of the year. Sadly, the second most popular event involved a bottle of Scotch and a pair of sheep.

Jose Canseco spent more than three hours with federal agents yesterday discussing the alleged steroid use of Roger Clemens, Miguel Tejada and Alex Rodriquez. It’s believed to be the longest Canseco has ever gone without talking about himself.

A published report suggests that the Cubs may have thrown the 1918 World Series. Based on their performance ever since we’re guessing they probably threw it like a girl.

The Titans have finally traded Adam “Pacman” Jones him to the Cowboys. Dallas’s strippers are delighted with the news.

The Chicago Cubs defeated the Colorado Rockies to record their 10,000th win. Mind you, the Cubs are such losers they could win 10,000 games in a season and still finish a half game out of the playoffs.

North Carolina's Tyler Hansbrough has announced he will return for his senior year. A 6-foot-9 forward, Hansbrough last season averaged averaged 22.6 points, 10.2 rebounds and 3.4 blinks per game.

Nuggets coach George Karl is reportedly on the radar of Knicks president Donnie Walsh. Then again, at 250 lbs. Karl is on EVERYONE’S radar.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Pittsburgh Pirates have announced plans to add an "all-you-can-eat" section for the 2008 season. It’s uncertain whether the decision was made to appease fans or to attract free agent pitcher David Wells.

LeBron James became the youngest player in NBA history to reach 10,000. Incidentally, that’s 10,000 points, not 10,000 women.

Roger Clemens could be facing jail time following allegations that he lied under oath. Luckily the former Cy Young winner has always looked good in pinstripes.

The Knicks have had preliminary discussions with Kiki Vandeweghe about replacing Isiah Thomas in the front office. No word yet on who will pick up the slack when it comes to harassing the franchise’s female employees.

Minnesota forward Antoine Walker missed a recent trip to Toronto because of a problem with his passport. It’s too bad there wasn’t a basketball hoop nearby or he could have proven his identity by missing 15 3-pointers in a row.

Stephon Marbury has been instructed by Isiah Thomas not to attend Knicks home games. Ironically, most of the team’s season ticket holders would love to receive the same order.

The Green Bay Packers are in hot water after erroneously reporting that Brett Favre was set to retire. The false report was so shocking it caused John Madden’s heart to stop for three full minutes.

Calvin Klein has offered Tom Brady a deal to appear in a high profile underwear campaign. It’s a natural fit for a man who was last seen getting undressed by the Giants’ defense.

Cornerback Randall Gay has agreed to a four-year contract with the New Orleans Saints. The deal was initially opposed by the Catholic Church who were uncomfortable with the words gay and saints appearing within the same sentence.

China dominated the World Team Table Tennis Championships in a tournament seen as a preview of this summer's Beijing Olympics. Sadly, none of the team members will be allowed to celebrate their victory at Disneyworld since they’re too short to go on the rides.

Ask Ryan - What Might Have Been

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like fat kids and light sabers. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about Len Bias's enormous potential, Roger Clemens' place in baseball history and golf's newest confusing acronym. Read all about it at Fox Sports.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

San Antonio Spurs coach Gregg Popovich has decided to sit Tony Parker indefinitely because of a bone spur in his left heel. Wow, a French guy going down without a fight. I never saw this coming.

The ashes of thoroughbred racehorse Barbaro will be placed in front of an entrance gate at Churchill Downs sometime in 2009. Those who would like to pay their respects to the horse before then are advised to visit the Elmer’s glue factory in New York State.

The Charlotte Bobcats have signed free agent Earl Boykins to a $1.1 million contract. The 5’5” guard is expected to play on the shoulders of Jeff McInnis to form one complete player. Although Boykins’ contract may sound steep, the Bobcats are expected to save thousands on plane tickets by stashing him in the overhead luggage compartment during team flights.

Cavaliers forward Anderson Varejao will miss up to four weeks with a left ankle sprain. It was only a matter of time before he finally tripped on his hair.

Major League Baseball is currently investigating whether some of its umps belong to the KKK. Membership in the organization could result in an immediate suspension given baseball’s “three K’s and you’re out” policy.

Roger Clemens spent the week at a Houston Astros mini-camp where he regaled young players with stories about his exploits in the Major Leagues. In fact, the Rocket was so talkative and forthcoming that many people mistook him for Brian McNamee.

The NFL has decided to allow the Buffalo Bills to play an annual regular-season game in Canada. Now all the league has to do is convince the players to wear skates and chase a puck in order to attract Canadian fans.

Nine people were arrested in Scottsdale on suspicion of selling forged Super Bowl tickets for thousands of dollars. Authorities first became suspicious when they noticed the tickets were for a game featuring the Muncie Flyers and the Rochester Jeffersons.

A judge has ruled that jailed quarterback Michael Vick can keep nearly $20 million in bonus money he received from the Atlanta Falcons. Wow, I thought the Bengals were the only team that gave money away to convicts.

The San Antonio Spurs have bolstered their backcourt by signing point guard Damon Stoudamire. The acquisition now gives the team more veterans than the American Legion.

Ask Ryan - All You Need Is Love

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like baseball and congressional hearings. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about Kevin Youkilis' new energy drink, John Havlicek's brief football career and Kevin Love's original claim to fame. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/7683502

Ask Ryan - So Happy Together

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment collide like Japanese girls at a David Beckman book signing. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about nude gymnastics, Yao Ming's nuptials and Hank Aaron's sleeping habits. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7129480