You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Jamie Moyer pitched a one-hitter against the Florida Marlins. It’s an especially impressive accomplishment since Florida wasn’t even a state when he began his career.

Padres second baseman Edgar Gonzalez was hospitalized after being hit in the head by a 93 mph pitch. For the record, Gonzalez is hitting just .190 this season, but his head is hitting 1.000.

The U.S. beat the Netherlands 7-2 in the first game of the Softball World Cup. In their defense, many of the Dutch players spent the first five innings with their fingers in a dyke.

A 17-year-old Southern Californian has become the youngest person to sail around the world alone. Sadly, it wasn’t by choice.

New Washington Nationals manager Jim Riggleman has held his first team meeting, ran his first practice and presided over his first news conference. All that remains now is to lose his first game.

Bud Selig is still examining Pete Rose's application for reinstatement. The delay actually works in Rose’s favor since he bet the commissioner it would take him until August to reach an announcement.

Derek Jeter is in the process of building the largest home in Tampa Bay. The palatial estate is expected to have 300 bedrooms in case all of his girlfriends show up at once.

Lou Piniella recently had a five minute meeting with President Barack Obama. It was actually supposed to be a ten minute meeting until Piniella began bumping him in the chest and kicking dirt on his trousers.

Eric Musselman has declined an offer to coach basketball in Russia. Brave move. The last guy who turned down a group of Russians ended up spending eternity in the trunk of a Cadillac Coupe de Ville.

Tom Watson came in second place at the British Open. It’s an impressive finish for a man who’s so old he gets nostalgic every time he watches Ben-Hur.

The Pittsburgh Pirates are hoping to trade shortstop Jack Wilson and second baseman Freddy Sanchez. Anyone with pitching prospects, infielders or a handful of magic beans is encouraged to inquire within.

81-year-old Hershel McGriff recently became the oldest driver to compete in a NASCAR race. He probably could have won too if he didn’t have to stop every three miles to use the washroom.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Adrianna Lima has hinted she may be pregnant with the child of former Clippers guard Marko Jaric. You know, he always was a good penetrator.

Stephon Marbury has finally joined the Boston Celtics. In related news, the Celtics now have cancer.

The New York Yankees have announced that rotund hurler Joba Chamberlain will start the first game at their new stadium. That is, assuming he can fit into it.

Alex Rodriguez is reportedly preparing for a hostile reception in his spring opener. And that’s just from Derek Jeter.

New York Mets infielder Fernando Tatis was pulled from the line-up after waking up at 3:00 am with a sore right palm. It sounds like that wasn’t the only thing being pulled.

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen were reportedly married in a Los Angeles Roman Catholic church. Given their respective dating histories it’s astonishing the holy water didn’t boil over as they walked by.

The City of Los Angeles is allegedly shopping for an NFL team. Something tells us that team is not the Detroit Lions.

Derek Jeter is reportedly dating a 22-year-old college student. At the rate he’s going he’ll be married to an embryo by the time he’s done his career.

73-year-old NCAA basketball player Ken Mink has been declared ineligible after he failed Spanish. In his defense, Spain didn’t even exist when he was born.

Nationals general manager Jim Bowden has resigned after being accused of skimming signing bonuses given to Latin American prospects. Luckily it’s Washington though, so he’s still one of the cleanest guys in town.

Question of the Week

Howard, Torrance, CA
Subj: Little O
Do you think Omar Vizquel deserves to be in the Hall of Fame?

I do, Howard, but I doubt other voters will be as generous in their assessments. Hall of Fame inductees are ultimately judged against their peers and Vizquel has had the misfortune of playing during the same era as offensive juggernauts like Alex Rodriquez, Derek Jeter, Miguel Tejada and even Hanley Ramirez. If voters choose to overlook his 11 gold gloves and .984 fielding percentage and focus instead on his 77 home runs 892 RBIs than Vizquel won’t have a chance. And that’s shame, because his glove has probably saved more runs than any of his fellow shortstops have generated. I personally hope Vizquel one day gains entry into Cooperstown if only to remind young players that games aren’t won exclusively in the batter’s box.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Jessica Simpson is launching her own range of sexy lingerie. The announcement means that Tony Romo will no longer be the only one able to get into Simpson’s panties.

The New Jersey Nets plan to give away more than $250,000 worth of free gas, or as most people call it, a full tank.

The New York Yankees are seeking another $350 million in public financing to help finish their new stadium. Things are getting so desperate the team might have to set up a Derek Jeter Kissing Booth.

Good news and bad news for Marshawn Lynch. The good news is the Bills runningback finally had Lasik surgery to correct his vision. The bad news is he can now see just how bad the Bills actually are.

Milton Bradley tried to physically assault Ryan Lefebvre after the Royals broadcaster made disparaging remarks about him during a TV broadcast. When are journalists going to learn? If you’re going to criticize Bradley you have to do it in print.

Minnesota Timberwolves guard Marko Jaric is now engaged to supermodel Adriana Lima. The announcement comes as a surprise to many observers since Jaric is such a horrible penetrator.

Scientists at the University of Miami are studying whether Viagra can make men better cyclists. So far the only thing they’ve been able to confirm is that after popping a couple of tablets a bicycle is the last thing most men want to ride.

18-year-old Joey Longano became the youngest winner in Nationwide Series history by cruising to victory in the Meijer 300. Unfortunately his celebration was short-lived when his father grounded him for borrowing the car without permission.

Brad Penny extended his winless streak to eight starts in the Dodgers' 12-7 loss to the Detroit Tigers. The value of a Penny hasn’t been this low since the turn of the century.

A person associated with the Cowboys was electrocuted over the weekend when they touched a high voltage line at the team’s new stadium. And here’s the really bad news: it wasn’t Jessica Simpson.

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen and Cubs manager Lou Piniella are teaming up for a series of television commercials for the Chicago Chevy Dealers Association. Censors are standing by.

Ask Ryan - The Long And Short Of It

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like Zach Randolph and all-you-can-eat buffets. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the shortest player in NFL history, the most prolific ladies man in pro sports and Kevin Costner's baseball career. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7321704