In The Spotlight

Are you ready for some football? I'm delighted to announce that my celebrity profile of Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is now online. Learn more about the third-most proficient passer in NFL history by clicking here.

You've Got To Be Kidding

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Good news and bad news for Dave Bing. The good news is that the Pistons legend has been elected mayor of Detroit. The bad news is he actually had to live there.

A woman has been charged with stalking Eagles backup quarterback A.J. Feeley. Luckily she should be able to get off easily by pleading insanity.

Jessica Simpson has admitted to sending mass e-mails before Cowboys games asking friends to pray for Tony Romo's protection. The confession has shocked many insiders who had no idea Jessica Simpson knew how to use a computer.

Yankees catcher Jorge Posada has been placed on the disabled list. He isn’t actually injured, he just doesn’t want to around when A-Rod returns.

Mine That Bird has become the first horse to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated since 2004. Mind you, the magazine has featured plenty of athletes hung like horses since that time.

Agent Scott Boras has said that he would like to see major changes to the World Series. In related news, Bud Selig has said he would like to make major changes to Scott Boras’ face.

Joba Chamberlain’s mother has been arrested for selling meth to an undercover officer. Authorities are uncertain if they’ll also charge her for giving birth to 230 lbs. of Dope.

Michael Beasley and Mario Chalmers were reportedly fined throughout the season by the Miami Heat. You know what they say; if you can’t stand the Heat… you’re probably not alone.

The Phoenix Coyotes have filed for bankruptcy. It’s nice to hear that NBA players aren’t the only ones that spend their off seasons in court.

A man who robbed Antoine Walker at gunpoint has been sentenced to 21 years in prison. It could be worse; he could have been sentenced to 21 years of being his teammate.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Commissioner Bud Selig recently told reporters that he is not to blame for baseball’s raging steroid problem. It’s nice to know there’s still a buck to be passed in these financially strapped times.

Rumors continue to swirl that Jessica Simpson is expecting Tony Romo’s baby. Given her size, we wouldn’t be surprised if she was expecting his octuplets.

Alex Rodriguez has allegedly told his friends that he’s over Madonna… and under her… and behind her… and inside her…

Houston pitcher Mike Hampton has been sent home with an irregular heartbeat. The timing is unusual since the Astros’ hearts usually don’t give out on them until the playoffs.

David Ortiz says players who test positive for steroids should be suspended from baseball for the whole season. That’s easy for him to say since the only foreign substance coursing through his veins is gravy.

Steelers kicker Jeff Reed has been charged with criminal mischief for beating up a towel dispenser at a gas station. Sadly, that’s the only recourse most kickers have when they’re told to pick on someone their own size.

The Washington Nationals have learned their top prospect lied about his age. The Nats first suspected the shortstop was older than he claimed after noticing how his dentures would fall to the ground whenever he threw to first.

Ken Griffey Jr. is returning to the Mariners after a nine year absence. Fortunately he didn’t miss much.

Major League Baseball reportedly wants more from Alex Rodriguez than he gave the media. Now they know exactly how Yankee fans feel every October.

Charles Barkley has apologized for his DUI a day before returning to TNT. The one minute apology was supposed to be much longer but Barkley was already running late for a booty call.

Police officers in Southern California have recovered Lance Armstrong’s stolen bike. Armstrong is elated since he can now resume his paper route.

The Milwaukee Bucks mascot has suffered a torn ACL in his right knee. The team plans to do the honorable thing by putting him out of his misery. Sadly, Bucks fans will have to wait until the end of the season to be put out of theirs.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Kellogg has announced it will not renew its sponsorship deal with Michael Phelps. Fortunately he should have no problem picking up another cereal brand like Cannabis Crunch or Honey Bunches of Hemp.

Tony Romo plans to spend the week on tour with his girlfriend Jessica Simpson. It’s unclear whether he’ll be there to support her or to keep her away from the buffets.

The participants in the NBA’s first officially sanctioned H-O-R-S-E competition will now have to spell out another five letter word: G-E-I-C-O. It could be worse: at least the event isn’t being sponsored by Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance.

The New York Mets are claiming they won’t be hurt in any way by Bernard Madoff's web of deceit. Unfortunately the team can’t say the same thing about their new bullpen.

Larry Fitzgerald led the NFC to a 30-21 victory at the Pro Bowl in Hawaii. The annual event is the only game of the season where even the kickers are guaranteed to get leied.

Alex Rodriguez allegedly tested positive for steroids in 2003. We’re not sure what’s more shocking: the fact that A-Rod was juiced or that Jose Canseco was actually right.

Animal Planet is producing a new 12-part series that will take viewers into the lives of jockeys. The program is expected to appeal equally to those who love Black Beauty and those who adore Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

The Lakers have landed Adam Morrison in a three-player deal with the Bobcats. Despite his porn star stache it’s believed to be the first three-way he’s ever been involved in.

Kelly Clark of the United States is the latest winner of the World Cup halfpipe event. It’s nice to hear of an American athlete doing something positive with a pipe for a change.

56-year-old athlete Jennifer Figge has become the first woman to swim across the Atlantic. Some people will do anything to save on airfare.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Trailblazers are reportedly looking at rotund center Eddy Curry… all the way from Portland. Curry’s removal could allow New York to sign two players while simultaneously freeing up four spots on the bench.

Minnesota Twins owner Carl Pohlad has died at the age of 93. Team officials are still trying to see if they can stick the remains of Boof Bonser and Juan Rincon into his coffin before it’s interred.

Carmelo Anthony recently hurt his hand in a win over Indiana. The injury is especially disconcerting for the All-Star forward since it’s his rolling hand.

Former American Gladiators star, Nitro, has admitted to using steroids while he was on the show in the early 90’s. The news comes as a shock to millions of viewers who thought it was perfectly normal to have man-boobs the size of engorged watermelons.

Andy Pettitte has rejected the Yankees' one-year, $10 million offer. After all, he didn’t want to be paid less than the team’s bat boy.

Shaquille O'Neal has just re-listed his Miami Beach estate for $25 million - $10 million less than its original asking price. A Shaq product hasn’t fetched this little interest since Kazaam.

Alex Rodriquez was recently spotted getting close with 60-year-old fashion designer Donna Karan. At the rate he’s going his next girlfriend might be a pile of dust.

Jessica Simpson has been included in this year’s Dallas Cowboys Family Cookbook. After all, who wouldn’t want culinary advice from someone who can’t tell the difference between tuna and chicken?

Rays outfielder Rocco Baldelli got some good news recently after doctors re-diagnosed his mitochondrial disorder as the less severe channelopathy. Baldelli is hopeful that with enough time he’ll eventually have a disease he can actually spell.

The Dallas Cowboys have released troubled cornerback Pacman Jones. You know you’ve had a bad year when the INT in your stat column refers to interrogations.

Warren Sapp recently challenged Michael Phelps to a televised swimming duel. The race got off to a promising start before Sapp was suddenly harpooned after his first five strokes.

The Cavaliers are now 18-0 at home after defeating the Bobcats, proving once and for all that visiting teams hate Cleveland nearly as much as the rest of the country.

WNBA star Candace Parker is expecting her first child this spring, making her the first professional basketball player in history to actually have a planned pregnancy.

David Beckham is currently charging $700,000 per interview. Or, in other words, $350,000 for every interesting thing he has to say.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Jessica Simpson is currently renovating Tony Romo’s home in Dallas. You can always tell when a blonde has been working on your house because all of the shingles are on the inside.

Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt says that he’s still standing behind quarterback Matt Leinart. Well sure, someone has to be there to hold his beer funnel.

Alex Rodriguez was booed mercilessly last night in New York… and that was just by the women he’s been double-timing.

The Yankees plan to charge as much as $1,923 a pair for the seats at Yankee Stadium when the venue closes at the end of the season. On the positive side, you’ll no longer have to watch the Yankees while you’re sitting in them.

Hurricane Gustav has sent the Hornets fleeing out of New Orleans. The last time the team saw something huff and puff this much it had “Magloire” written on the back of its jersey.

Indians outfielder Grady Sizemore hit two home runs against the Tigers last night to join the 30-30 club, or the 30-30-30 club if you include the Indians’ win total.

The LPGA will require all players to speak English starting in 2009. Fortunately, players will still be allowed to swear in their native tongue when they slice a ball deep into the woods.

Good news out of Indianapolis, where Colts quarterback Peyton Manning has been taken off the physically unable to perform list and put onto the physically unable to perform without whining list.

Tampa Bay Rays rookie third baseman Evan Longoria will resume hitting this week. No word yet on when the Yankees will follow suit.

Knicks point guard Stephon Marbury has reportedly paid $45 million for his own private jet. It’s the perfect purchase for a man whose career has been in a holding pattern for the last three years.

Tom Brady has agreed to conduct a passing camp at Gillette Stadium for $23,000 per participant. Campers will learn about long passes, shuttle passes and most importantly, how to make passes at supermodels.

Agent Scott Boras claims that the contract signed by his client Pedro Alvarez with Pittsburgh just two weeks ago is invalid. It’s hard to know who to believe: an agent or a group of Pirates.

O.J. Simpson was reportedly knocked to the ground by his eldest daughter. And here’s the really surprising part: it wasn’t during a pay-per-view fight.

The NFL has decided to extend instant replay to cover field goals, extra points and illegal forward handoffs. Now Dolphins fans will be able to watch their season fall apart over and over again.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Jessica Simpson is launching her own range of sexy lingerie. The announcement means that Tony Romo will no longer be the only one able to get into Simpson’s panties.

The New Jersey Nets plan to give away more than $250,000 worth of free gas, or as most people call it, a full tank.

The New York Yankees are seeking another $350 million in public financing to help finish their new stadium. Things are getting so desperate the team might have to set up a Derek Jeter Kissing Booth.

Good news and bad news for Marshawn Lynch. The good news is the Bills runningback finally had Lasik surgery to correct his vision. The bad news is he can now see just how bad the Bills actually are.

Milton Bradley tried to physically assault Ryan Lefebvre after the Royals broadcaster made disparaging remarks about him during a TV broadcast. When are journalists going to learn? If you’re going to criticize Bradley you have to do it in print.

Minnesota Timberwolves guard Marko Jaric is now engaged to supermodel Adriana Lima. The announcement comes as a surprise to many observers since Jaric is such a horrible penetrator.

Scientists at the University of Miami are studying whether Viagra can make men better cyclists. So far the only thing they’ve been able to confirm is that after popping a couple of tablets a bicycle is the last thing most men want to ride.

18-year-old Joey Longano became the youngest winner in Nationwide Series history by cruising to victory in the Meijer 300. Unfortunately his celebration was short-lived when his father grounded him for borrowing the car without permission.

Brad Penny extended his winless streak to eight starts in the Dodgers' 12-7 loss to the Detroit Tigers. The value of a Penny hasn’t been this low since the turn of the century.

A person associated with the Cowboys was electrocuted over the weekend when they touched a high voltage line at the team’s new stadium. And here’s the really bad news: it wasn’t Jessica Simpson.

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen and Cubs manager Lou Piniella are teaming up for a series of television commercials for the Chicago Chevy Dealers Association. Censors are standing by.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Mets clobbered the Yankees by a score of 11-2 in the final game of their Subway Series. The last time a Wang was hammered that badly was in a porno.

An NYU grad was tackled by a security guard yesterday after trying to steal home at Yankee Stadium. Sadly, it’s the best defense fans have seen in the Bronx all season long.

President Bush revealed this week that he has given up golf. Apparently having one handicap was enough for him.

Tony Romo has ended his relationship with Jessica Simpson. Cowboys fans will now have to come up with other excuses when their team inevitably self destructs in the playoffs.

Lance Armstrong is currently dating Kate Hudson. The seven-time Tour de France winner traded up for the bubbly blonde after accidentally snapping Ashley Olsen in half.

The owner of the Golden Nugget has sold his shares in the Houston Texans. You know you team is in for a rough year when not even a casino owner will take a gamble on them.

Former Patriots employee Matt Walsh met with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell for nearly three and a half hours on the Spygate scandal. Walsh’s tapes of the meeting should be available shortly.

Seattle Seahawks linebacker Lofa Tatupu was arrested for investigation of drunken driving. The Pro Bowler’s blood-alcohol level of .158 was so high that authorities first mistook it for the Seattle SuperSonics’s winning percentage.

Danny Ainge has been named the NBA’s Executive of the Year. The Celtics GM is still uncertain whether he will keep the award or trade it to Kevin McHale.

Charles Barkley has promised to repay a $400,000 gambling debt to a Las Vegas casino. The former NBA star originally tried running away from his problems before becoming seriously winded.

Disgraced figure skater Tonya Harding has just released her first book entitled The Tonya Tapes. Not only is the 300 page tome an entertaining read, but the hardcover version is also excellent for bludgeoning your opponents in the knee.