You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The San Antonio Spurs beat the Wizards to wrap up a 19-day road trip. Many of the players have been away from home for so long they can’t even remember what their illegitimate children look like.

Brewers slugger Ryan Bruan has launched his very own clothing line. In related news, Prince Fielder has launched his very own line of tarps.

Jason Giambi says he’s impressed with the candor of his former teammate Alex Rodriguez. We’re impressed that Giambi even knows what candor means.

A surgeon has admitted that Amar’e Stoudemire’s damaged eye may still need some more work. Luckily, it’s nothing compared to the work his defense still needs.

ESPN plans to use 26 cameras for its broadcast of the Bassmaster Classic. For those of you keeping track, that’s one camera for every viewer at home.

Charlie Weis has announced he will once again handle Notre Dame’s offensive-coordinator duties. That makes sense since his play-calling has been incredibly offensive over the past three years.

Longtime Jazz owner Larry H. Miller has died at the age of 64. Given the fact he lives in Utah we’re guessing the cause of death was boredom.

Doctors have advised Northeastern tight end Brian Mandeville to retire. It’s hard to say what concerns them more: the fact that his heart ailment could result in instantaneous death, or the fact that he could get drafted by the Lions.

Alex Rodriguez has hired the same lawyer who represented Sammy Sosa before congress. It could be worse: he could have hired the same dialect coach.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently told reporters that drugs have no place in sports. Luckily for him, they still have a prominent place in politics.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Boston Red Sox are reportedly interested in signing rotund slugger Prince Fielder. Well, not the Red Sox per se, but the team’s hotdog vendors.

Calgary Flames co-owner Daryl Seamen has died at the age of 86. He is survived by his wife Anita Seamen and his son Dick Seamen.

Pacman Jones plans to sue ESPN over allegations that he arranged to have three men shot at an Atlanta nightclub. It should be thrilling for him to finally be on the other side of a lawsuit. In related news, Pacman Jones has said he believes Cowboys owner Jerry Jones will give him another shot. Unfortunately for Jones it will likely come at the end of .38 revolver.

TNT analyst Charles Barkley is taking a leave of absence from the broadcast chair. The chair is said to be thrilled.

Giants general manager Jerry Reese has said that the team is open to bring back Plaxico Burress. It’s nice to hear they’re going to give him another “shot”.

Jason Giambi has promised to bring his famous gold thong back to Oakland. It’s expected to be the second most useless thing in his locker next to his glove.

A 72-year-old woman recently discovered a rare baseball card from 1869. And no one’s happier than Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer, who thought he’d never see his old rookie card again.

David Beckham recently bought his wife Victoria an $80,000 handbag. Of course, it’s easy to afford accessories like that when you’re a $250 million douchebag yourself.

Northern State’s Don Meyer has become the winningest men’s basketball coach in NCAA history following his 903rd career victory. Any way you slice it, this is a very bad day to be a chair in Bob Knight’s house.

Don King is selling his Florida home. The ocean-front property is easily the most instupetuous, splendificent and ostentacular house on the entire block.