Monday, January 12, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Boston Red Sox are reportedly interested in signing rotund slugger Prince Fielder. Well, not the Red Sox per se, but the team’s hotdog vendors.

Calgary Flames co-owner Daryl Seamen has died at the age of 86. He is survived by his wife Anita Seamen and his son Dick Seamen.

Pacman Jones plans to sue ESPN over allegations that he arranged to have three men shot at an Atlanta nightclub. It should be thrilling for him to finally be on the other side of a lawsuit. In related news, Pacman Jones has said he believes Cowboys owner Jerry Jones will give him another shot. Unfortunately for Jones it will likely come at the end of .38 revolver.

TNT analyst Charles Barkley is taking a leave of absence from the broadcast chair. The chair is said to be thrilled.

Giants general manager Jerry Reese has said that the team is open to bring back Plaxico Burress. It’s nice to hear they’re going to give him another “shot”.

Jason Giambi has promised to bring his famous gold thong back to Oakland. It’s expected to be the second most useless thing in his locker next to his glove.

A 72-year-old woman recently discovered a rare baseball card from 1869. And no one’s happier than Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer, who thought he’d never see his old rookie card again.

David Beckham recently bought his wife Victoria an $80,000 handbag. Of course, it’s easy to afford accessories like that when you’re a $250 million douchebag yourself.

Northern State’s Don Meyer has become the winningest men’s basketball coach in NCAA history following his 903rd career victory. Any way you slice it, this is a very bad day to be a chair in Bob Knight’s house.

Don King is selling his Florida home. The ocean-front property is easily the most instupetuous, splendificent and ostentacular house on the entire block.