You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Green Bay Packers are crying poor after clearing just $21 million last season. Things are so dire, they might have to start eating those giant cheese heads.

San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Nolan recently visited military personnel serving in Kabul, Afghanistan. It was a natural setting for Nolan since he’s used to coming under heavy fire.

Pacman Jones has informed the media that he no longer wants to be referred to by his nickname. Instead, he will answer to "Adam," "Mr. Jones," or "Prisoner No. 345279.”

A horse trained by Rick Dutrow has tested positive for twice the allowable level of Clenbuterol, a bronchodilator that helps burn fat and promote muscle growth. Why do horses know about this drug and John Daly doesn’t?

A photo taken during the early stages of the Belmont Stakes shows that Big Brown was running with a loose shoe. Given his poor finish it must have been a stiletto.

The Toronto Raptors have agreed to trade T.J. Ford to the Indiana Pacers for Jermaine O’Neal. The deal will also include center Rasho Nesterovic, a first round draft pick and 3,000 pages of medical documentation.

John Daly and Kid Rock teamed up yesterday at the Buick Open pro-am. It’s unclear who was left in charge of the trailer park while they were out.

China's top backstroker Ouyang Kunpeng has been banned for life for failing a doping test. Terms of the ban are so restrictive that Kunpeng won’t even be allowed to wash his face without permission.

Willie Randolph has been informed he’ll be replaced by Cubs manager Lou Piniella on the coaching staff for next month's All-Star game. And here’s a shocker, he was actually told about it during the daytime.

Warren Sapp says he plans to accept an offer to appear on Dancing with the Stars. Now it’s up to producers to find a woman with a 7’8” wingspan so she can wrap her arms around his waist.

David Beckham recently admitted on his blog that he's astonished by the reaction his new underwear ads for Emporio Armani are generating. "To be honest, I was amazed by the huge billboard poster outside Macy's department store, but even more amazed by the amount of people who turned up to see it!" he said. Frankly, we're just amazed that David Beckham knows how to write.

Question of the Week

Wade, Huntsville, AL
Subj: Name game
Greetings Ryan, can you tell us what is the most common last name is baseball? First name too if you are really good.

No problem, Wade. It took a little digging (and a whole lot of caffeine), but I discovered that 25 Major Leaguers have Johnson written on the back of their jerseys, making it the most common name in professional baseball. Rounding out the top ten are Perez (23) Gonzalez (23), Smith (20), Hernandez (20), Martinez (20), Rodriguez (19), Miller (18), Garcia (17), Ramirez (16) and Jones (16). The most common first name, meanwhile, is Michael which is shared by 110 players. Incidentally, there’s even a Michael Johnson who is a farmhand with the Padres. Johnson has yet to suit up with San Diego, but based on his outstanding pedigree you might want to nab him for your fantasy league team when he does.

Talking Points - Shaq Attack

Welcome back for another edition of Talking Points, a handy cheat sheet designed to help you hold your own in any water cooler discussion. In this week’s column, I'll examine Shaq’s rap, Pacman Jones’ new identity and the U.S. men’s Olympic basketball team. Read all about it here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama has said that if he wins this fall, he will install a basketball court at the White House. And if John McCain wins, he’ll install a shuffleboard deck.

MetLife Inc. has become the first of five major sponsors for New York’s new Meadowlands stadium. The $15 million deal will certainly help financially, but as Willie Randolph will tell you, Met life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano was lifted from a game against the Rays after tweaking his shoulder. Doctors fear the injury may prevent him from punching out any of his teammates for at least two weeks.

Prince Fielder allegedly owes more than $400,000 in unpaid taxes. Although that may sound like a lot it’s still considerably less than his weekly grocery bill.

Charles Barkley is headed back to Las Vegas to play in a charity poker tournament a month after pledging not to gamble. It’s not as bad as it sounds, though. Barkley will be donating all of his winnings to Hypocrites Anonymous.

An angry Mets fan shipped five chickens to the team's owners to protest the cowardly way in which they fired manager Willie Randolph. On the positive side, two of the birds have already found a regular place in the Mets rotation.

Ron Artest has a new song out in which he freestyles over Alicia Keys' single, No One. It’s a big step forward for a player whose greatest hits have all included Detroit Pistons fans.

Rotund hurler C.C. Sabathia hit a tape-measure home run in a game against the L.A. Dodgers. Sadly, the episode was mired by the three heart attacks he suffered while rounding the bases.

Sports broadcaster Pat Summerall is recovering from an emergency procedure to stop internal bleeding. It’s the first time in medical history that a patient has actually provided play-by-play for his own surgery.

Pacman Jones has informed the media that he wants to be referred to as Adam or Mr. Jones. You have to admit that it will certainly look a lot classier on a police blotter.

Kobe Bryant is headed to China after being selected to the U.S. Olympic team. The Lakers star can barely wait to alienate a whole new continent of fans.

Los Angeles Spark forward Candace Parker became the second woman to dunk in a WNBA game in a 77-63 win over the Indiana Fever. The event was so exhilarating that it brought all three fans to their feet.

Question of the Week

Reggie, Las Vegas, NV
Subj: Big shoes to fill
Hey Ryan, I’m hoping you can help me resolve a bet. Who has the largest feet in NBA history?

That honor belongs to Big Bob Lanier, a 6’11” behemoth who wore size 22 shoes. In fact, The Dobber’s Nikes were so large that they made it into the Hall of Fame before he did, becoming part of Springfield’s interactive museum. "A lot of people, can put both feet into one of my shoes,” he boasts. Mind, you Lanier wasn’t always so proud about his feet. Even today, he still remembers coming home in tears after children teased him at school. “Do you think I have the wrong feet?” he recalls asking his mother. “Those are the feet you were given the day you were born, so I’m sure they are a perfect fit,” she sagely responded. “Those feet will take you to great places.” She was right. Lanier was an eight-time All-Star who finished his career with averages of 20.1 points and 10.1 rebounds per game. He officially joined his shoes in the Hall of Fame in 1992.

Talking Points - Carolina On My Mind

Welcome back for another edition of Talking Points, a handy cheat sheet designed to help you hold your own in any water cooler discussion. In this week’s column, I'll examine North Carolina’s loaded roster, the New York Yankees’ injury woes and the Celtics’ championship season. Read all about it here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Jessica Simpson is launching her own range of sexy lingerie. The announcement means that Tony Romo will no longer be the only one able to get into Simpson’s panties.

The New Jersey Nets plan to give away more than $250,000 worth of free gas, or as most people call it, a full tank.

The New York Yankees are seeking another $350 million in public financing to help finish their new stadium. Things are getting so desperate the team might have to set up a Derek Jeter Kissing Booth.

Good news and bad news for Marshawn Lynch. The good news is the Bills runningback finally had Lasik surgery to correct his vision. The bad news is he can now see just how bad the Bills actually are.

Milton Bradley tried to physically assault Ryan Lefebvre after the Royals broadcaster made disparaging remarks about him during a TV broadcast. When are journalists going to learn? If you’re going to criticize Bradley you have to do it in print.

Minnesota Timberwolves guard Marko Jaric is now engaged to supermodel Adriana Lima. The announcement comes as a surprise to many observers since Jaric is such a horrible penetrator.

Scientists at the University of Miami are studying whether Viagra can make men better cyclists. So far the only thing they’ve been able to confirm is that after popping a couple of tablets a bicycle is the last thing most men want to ride.

18-year-old Joey Longano became the youngest winner in Nationwide Series history by cruising to victory in the Meijer 300. Unfortunately his celebration was short-lived when his father grounded him for borrowing the car without permission.

Brad Penny extended his winless streak to eight starts in the Dodgers' 12-7 loss to the Detroit Tigers. The value of a Penny hasn’t been this low since the turn of the century.

A person associated with the Cowboys was electrocuted over the weekend when they touched a high voltage line at the team’s new stadium. And here’s the really bad news: it wasn’t Jessica Simpson.

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen and Cubs manager Lou Piniella are teaming up for a series of television commercials for the Chicago Chevy Dealers Association. Censors are standing by.