Friday, January 9, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Trailblazers are reportedly looking at rotund center Eddy Curry… all the way from Portland. Curry’s removal could allow New York to sign two players while simultaneously freeing up four spots on the bench.

Minnesota Twins owner Carl Pohlad has died at the age of 93. Team officials are still trying to see if they can stick the remains of Boof Bonser and Juan Rincon into his coffin before it’s interred.

Carmelo Anthony recently hurt his hand in a win over Indiana. The injury is especially disconcerting for the All-Star forward since it’s his rolling hand.

Former American Gladiators star, Nitro, has admitted to using steroids while he was on the show in the early 90’s. The news comes as a shock to millions of viewers who thought it was perfectly normal to have man-boobs the size of engorged watermelons.

Andy Pettitte has rejected the Yankees' one-year, $10 million offer. After all, he didn’t want to be paid less than the team’s bat boy.

Shaquille O'Neal has just re-listed his Miami Beach estate for $25 million - $10 million less than its original asking price. A Shaq product hasn’t fetched this little interest since Kazaam.

Alex Rodriquez was recently spotted getting close with 60-year-old fashion designer Donna Karan. At the rate he’s going his next girlfriend might be a pile of dust.

Jessica Simpson has been included in this year’s Dallas Cowboys Family Cookbook. After all, who wouldn’t want culinary advice from someone who can’t tell the difference between tuna and chicken?

Rays outfielder Rocco Baldelli got some good news recently after doctors re-diagnosed his mitochondrial disorder as the less severe channelopathy. Baldelli is hopeful that with enough time he’ll eventually have a disease he can actually spell.

The Dallas Cowboys have released troubled cornerback Pacman Jones. You know you’ve had a bad year when the INT in your stat column refers to interrogations.

Warren Sapp recently challenged Michael Phelps to a televised swimming duel. The race got off to a promising start before Sapp was suddenly harpooned after his first five strokes.

The Cavaliers are now 18-0 at home after defeating the Bobcats, proving once and for all that visiting teams hate Cleveland nearly as much as the rest of the country.

WNBA star Candace Parker is expecting her first child this spring, making her the first professional basketball player in history to actually have a planned pregnancy.

David Beckham is currently charging $700,000 per interview. Or, in other words, $350,000 for every interesting thing he has to say.