You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tiger Woods is reportedly making great strides at a sex rehab facility in Mississippi. In fact, doctors already have reduced him to just nine holes a day.

The Saints beat the Vikings 31-28 in overtime. The game had almost as many twists and turns as a Brett Favre retirement announcement.

NASCAR is relaxing its rules to allow drivers to initiate more contact and reach higher speeds. In other words, they’ll now be allowed to drive just like Lindsay Lohan.

Mets are interested in Chien-Ming Wang. The veteran hurler has everything they look for in a pitcher: superb velocity, excellent command and an uncanny knack for getting injured every three days.

Clay Bennett has agreed to pay former SuperSonics season-ticket holders $1.6 million for removing the team from Seattle. In related news, Bruce Ratner has agreed to pay Nets season-ticket holders $17 million for KEEPING the team in New Jersey.

Glen Davis has been fined $25,000 for swearing at a fan who called him fat. Sadly, Davis was going to use that money to buy breakfast.

Allen Iverson has been named a starter in the NBA All-Star game. It’s an impressive feat considering he’s barely a starter on his own team.

Ron Artest has plantar fasciitis. It could be worse: he could have to spell it.

Major League Baseball has agreed to move a three-game series between the Mets and Marlins to San Juan. Sadly, both teams will be allowed to return once the series is over.

A sports promoter in Georgia is starting a basketball league exclusively for white players. Adam Morrison is thrilled.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

John Daly is getting his own reality show on The Golf Channel. It was either that or Animal Planet.

Joba Chamberlain struck out five batters in an electrifying win over the Tampa Bay Rays. It looks like the Yankees’ cheeseburgers for strikeouts policy is finally paying off.

Reggie Bush has broken up with Kim Kardashian due to her constant need to be in the spotlight. At least that’s what he said at her press conference.

Rodney King has expressed interest in participating in a celebrity boxing bout. If nothing else, he certainly knows how to take a punch.

Yankees pitcher Chien-Ming Wang is scheduled to undergo season-ending surgery on his right shoulder. As every man knows, there’s nothing worse than having a useless Wang.

Jessica Simpson plans to release a new fragrance inspired by Tony Romo. We didn’t realize you could capture disappointment in a bottle.

The Red Sox have fallen three and a half games behind the New York Yankees. Frankly, it’s hard to blame them for wanting to keep their distance from Alex Rodriguez.

Stephon Marbury has admitted that he recently saw Jesus in his shower. Frankly we’re not sure if he was referring to the Messiah or to his Mexican gardener.

The New York Yankees have gone 40-21 ever since Alex Rodriguez began dating Kate Hudson. Just imagine how unstoppable they could be if Joe Girardi hooked up with Goldie Hawn.

The Pirates have traded All-Star second baseman Freddy Sanchez to the Giants for yet another pitching prospect. For those of you keeping track at home, Pittsburgh now has more prospects than a hot chick at a Star Trek convention.

Tim Tebow recently told reporters that he’s a virgin. Apparently getting screwed by the BCS doesn’t count.

Stephon Marbury was recently spotted crying while listening to music on one of his webcasts. In his defense, the music WAS by Shaquille O’Neal.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Mets clobbered the Yankees by a score of 11-2 in the final game of their Subway Series. The last time a Wang was hammered that badly was in a porno.

An NYU grad was tackled by a security guard yesterday after trying to steal home at Yankee Stadium. Sadly, it’s the best defense fans have seen in the Bronx all season long.

President Bush revealed this week that he has given up golf. Apparently having one handicap was enough for him.

Tony Romo has ended his relationship with Jessica Simpson. Cowboys fans will now have to come up with other excuses when their team inevitably self destructs in the playoffs.

Lance Armstrong is currently dating Kate Hudson. The seven-time Tour de France winner traded up for the bubbly blonde after accidentally snapping Ashley Olsen in half.

The owner of the Golden Nugget has sold his shares in the Houston Texans. You know you team is in for a rough year when not even a casino owner will take a gamble on them.

Former Patriots employee Matt Walsh met with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell for nearly three and a half hours on the Spygate scandal. Walsh’s tapes of the meeting should be available shortly.

Seattle Seahawks linebacker Lofa Tatupu was arrested for investigation of drunken driving. The Pro Bowler’s blood-alcohol level of .158 was so high that authorities first mistook it for the Seattle SuperSonics’s winning percentage.

Danny Ainge has been named the NBA’s Executive of the Year. The Celtics GM is still uncertain whether he will keep the award or trade it to Kevin McHale.

Charles Barkley has promised to repay a $400,000 gambling debt to a Las Vegas casino. The former NBA star originally tried running away from his problems before becoming seriously winded.

Disgraced figure skater Tonya Harding has just released her first book entitled The Tonya Tapes. Not only is the 300 page tome an entertaining read, but the hardcover version is also excellent for bludgeoning your opponents in the knee.