You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

A 300 lb. sign from the New Jersey Nets’ practice facility recently toppled over. Luckily no one was injured since the Nets never practice.

Donovan McNabb has been traded to the Redskins for two draft picks. There must be an easier way of getting free Chunky Soup than that.

A pair of jockeys recently exchanged blows at the Santa Anita Derby. Luckily it was just a small fight.

Al Harrington says he would like to re-sign with the New York. Ironically the Knicks have no interest in signing someone with such low self esteem.

A restaurant in Thailand has made a life-size replica of Tiger Woods out of condoms. The creation of the figure required 500 prophylactics, or as Woods would call it, a good day.

Brian Kelly has admitted that the Notre Dame Fighting Irish stink at the moment. In other words, they’ve improved dramatically.

Tiger Woods’ longtime adviser, John Merchant, has blamed Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley for corrupting his client. Merchant went onto blame Isiah Thomas for global warming and Dominique Wilkins for destroying Atlantis.

The Blue Jays have locked up outfielder Adam Lind for another four years. That’s nothing. Authorities expect to lock up Milton Bradley for 8-10 years by June.

Andrew Bogut’s season is over after fracturing his right hand. Something tells us this isn’t the big break most Bucks fans were hoping for.

The NCAA is on the verge of expanding the men's basketball tournament to 96 teams. In the interest of saving time they also plan to reduce the women’s tournament to one team: UCONN.

Tiger Woods finally hit the links for some practice at Augusta National. It’s the first time someone in his family has swung a club in public in six months.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tiger Woods says he’s excited to return to the Masters. It will be his first foursome in months.

Tiger Woods’s return to the Masters is expected to boost television viewership of the event by 16 percent. And that’s just his exes.

EA Sports has released a sneak peak of NFL Madden 11. The game is so realistic that you can actually smell the alcohol on Matt Leinart’s breath.

Dwight Gooden has been charged with driving under the influence of drugs. Police knew for certain he was high when he got out of his car and tried snorting the highway divider lines.

Incoming Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov reportedly doesn’t own a cell phone and never uses the Internet. That goes a long way in explaining why he bought the Nets.

Shawn Bradley is running for the Utah State Legislature. Given the way he runs he should get there sometime by 2030.

A new study has revealed that the Yankees are the best paid figures in sports. They’re followed closely by the Mavericks, the Lakers and the women Ben Roethlisberger pays to stay quiet.

The Minnesota Timberwolves have now lost their 16th consecutive game. In their defense, those 5 guys at the YMCA were a lot tougher than they looked.

NASCAR was forced to postpone its Martinsville race due to heavy rainfall. On the positive side, many racing fans received their first shower in months.

The chief executive of the New Jersey Nets says he has no regrets about arguing with a fan who wore a paper bag over his head. However, he does have a few regrets about being the chief executive of the New Jersey Nets.

Tiger Woods has set up a learning center in Southern California. Enrollment in his sex ed classes is already full.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Former major league All-Star Jose Offerman threw a punch at an umpire during a Dominican winter league game. Luckily for the ump, Offerman has always been a weak hitter.

Kurt Rambis says he’s embarrassed by the Timberwolves. And anyone who’s seen photos of Rambis during the 80’s knows his embarrassment threshold is remarkably high.

The Mets have reportedly lost faith in the abilities of General Manager Omar Minaya… just two years after the rest of the Western Hemisphere.

John Daly was spotted using a 20-year-old wedge at the Sony Open. It’s nice to hear Tiger Woods isn’t the only one using 20-year-olds these days

David Beckham says he uses Skype to help his son Brooklyn with his homework. That helps explain why Brooklyn is presently repeating third grade.

Michael Beasley says he wishes he worked at McDonald’s so nobody would care about his marijuana use. Luckily for him that wish is just one arrest away.

Former Net Shawne Williams is headed to prison on multiple counts of drug possession. It could be worse: he could he headed back to the Nets.

The Knicks celebrated Italian Heritage Night with the Toronto Raptors in town. The event featured Italian food, Italian music and two guys getting shoved into the trunk of a Cadillac.

Stephon Marbury has signed a contract with Shanxi Zhongyu of the Chinese Basketball Association. Apparently references were not required.

Blake Griffin expects to be healthy by late April… just in time to help the rest of his teammates clean out their lockers.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tiger Woods has reportedly entered a sex rehab clinic in Arizona. He’s not addicted to sex; he just went to meet some women who are.

GM has decided to stop loaning Tiger Woods free Cadillac’s. On the positive side, he should be able to hitch a ride from any one of his 57 girlfriends.

Dwight Howard and LeBron James have decided to pull out of the Slam Dunk Contest. We’re amazed: We had no idea NBA players knew HOW to pull out.

Victoria Beckham has undergone breast reduction surgery. It sounds like David Beckham is back to being the biggest boob in the family.

Washington shot only 44 percent in a surprising loss to Detroit. It’s nice to hear the Wizards are shooting blanks for a change.

Nets forward Josh Boone says he would love to stay in New Jersey. Boone later retracted his statement after being informed there are 49 other states in the U.S.

The Baseball Hall of Fame has announced they’re keeping Mark McGwire’s bat in Cooperstown. That’s too bad: we were hoping they’d use it to beat some sense into Jose Canseco.

The Lakers have become the first NBA team to reach 3,000 wins. And to think, all it took was being in the same division as the Clippers.

Major League Baseball plans to discuss the expanded use of instant replay. The news is being celebrated by fans who have always felt baseball wasn’t quite slow enough.

The Florida Marlins are set to visit U.S. military troops in Iraq and Kuwait. It’s the perfect mission for a team that’s used to getting blown out.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

USC is imposing sanctions on its basketball program for violating NCAA rules involving former player O.J. Mayo. The school decided not to punish Mayo directly since playing on the Memphis Grizzlies is punishment enough.

Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton reportedly drew guns on one another in the Wizards' locker room. Luckily for Crittenton, Arenas only takes ill-advised shots on the court.

The Wizards are close to trading Caron Butler and Mike James. In fact, Gilbert Arenas has even offered to pull the trigger on the deal.

Devin Harris estimates that 75 percent of all NBA players have weapons. Ironically only 50 percent of them have jump shots.

AT&T ended its sponsorship deal with Tiger Woods, which is strange, since no one has reached out and touched more people than Tiger Woods.

Tiger Woods’ wife has hired a private investigator to examine the extent of his wealth. If she wanted something probed she should have just hired Tiger Woods.

Braylon Edwards has pulled a page out of Joe Namath’s playbook by guaranteeing a Jets win. Up next? A sloppy makeout session with Suzy Kolber.

Blue Jays infielder Edwin Encarnacion was burned in the face during a fireworks mishap. All things considered he still looks far better than Sammy Sosa.

Eddy Curry recently missed practice with a stomach ailment. It’s still unclear which of his five stomachs was bothering him.

The Pacers have given up hope of trying to trade TJ Ford. Apparently the American auto industry isn’t the only group unable to move a Ford these days.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Only 2,600 fans showed up to watch the Clippers beat the Sixers in Philadelphia. You know you’re struggling when your attendance is half the size of Allen Iverson’s posse.

At least three teams remain interested in Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley - the Rays, the Rangers and a team of psychologists.

Gregg Popovich has picked up his 700th career victory. In all fairness, 500 of those wins have come against the Nets.

Greg Oden believes he can still return this season. The news comes as a surprise to many observers who assumed Oden hurt his knee, not his brain.

Kentucky freshman John Wall has the entire nation buzzing about his pro prospects. Now comes the hard part: playing well enough to win an NCAA championship, but not so well that he gets drafted by the Nets.

A Russian billionaire has moved a step closer to owning the New Jersey Nets. He’s also moved a step closer to becoming a Russian millionaire.

The entire nation of Sweden is reportedly angry at Tiger Woods. Sure it doesn’t sound like a big deal now, but just wait until he has to start buying all of his replacement furniture at Ikea.

A new poll has found that 92 percent of all NFL players believe Roger Goodell is doing an excellent job. The other 8 percent play for the Lions.

PGA commissioner Tim Finchem believes the Tour can survive without Tiger Woods. Sure, but can Tiger Woods survive without the Tour’s groupies?

Diminutive guard Nate Robinson has now sat out nine straight games. On the positive side, at least he’s not blocking anyone’s view.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Tag Heuer has announced it will continue its association with Tiger Woods. The Swiss watch maker was quick to point out that although Woods had many affairs, he was never late for any of them.

Tiger Woods has decided to take a break from golf. Why we do get the sense he’ll still be visiting 18 holes a day?

The New York Yankees have severed ties with former ace Chien-Ming Wang. A cut wang hasn’t generated this much interest since John Wayne Bobbit.

John Daly has lost 115 pounds. It’s the first time in his life he’s had smaller breasts than the women he dates.

The president of Dartmouth has apologized to his counterpart at Harvard over profanity-laden taunts made by his athletes during a squash match. On the positive side, the taunts were exceptionally well annunciated.

Marc Gasol believes the Grizzlies are better off without Allen Iverson. The 76ers are expected to reach the same conclusion sometime this week.

The Phoenix Suns are worried about Robin Lopez’s anger issues. You’d be angry too if you looked like the lovechild of Sideshow Bob and an Amish farmer.

Texas football coach Mack Brown has been given a $2 million raise. In addition to the annual increase, Brown will receive a $450,000 bonus if Texas wins the BCS title and $7 million if any of his players actually graduate.

Mark Ingram beat Toby Gerhart by 28 points to win the Heisman Trophy. Gerhart can always console himself by buying Eric Crouch’s Heisman on eBay for $9.99.

JaMarcus Russell says it’s been tough watching as his team plays without him. In his defense, it’s hard for anyone to watch the Raiders these days.

Erin Andrews was recently spotted cozying up with former Giants quarterback Jesse Palmer. At least, that’s who it looked like through the keyhole.

The New Jersey Nets are on the verge of securing $500 million in bonds to finance the construction of an arena in Brooklyn. It’s the last steps needed before they can start disappointing fans in an entirely different city.

AskMen.com Top 49 Men of 2009

Who are the most influential men of 2009? After more than half a million votes from readers, AskMen.com has the answer, and it’s on their list of The Top 49 Most Influential Men of 2009. Learn more about this year’s movers and shakers by reading my profiles of Canadian mixed martial artist Georges St. Pierre, UFC President Dana White, WBC World Champion Manny Pacquiao, U.S. Open champ Andy Roddick and the incomparable Tiger Woods.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Detroit Lions’ Thanksgiving games have averaged 11.9% of U.S. households over the last decade. The number would probably be a lot lower if the tryptophan didn’t make it impossible for most viewers to turn the channel.

A new survey has found that 69.1 percent of all professional athletes live a luxurious lifestyle. The other 30.9 percent live in Cleveland.

John Daly recently spoke about his past troubles, telling the press, “I'll get through anything people can throw at me." Especially if it happens to be a six pack and a carton of cigarettes.

The Memphis Grizzlies are currently in the market for shooters. It’s about time someone put them out of their misery.

Barry Bonds has landed an endorsement deal for a company that specializes in high-powered hunting rifles. It’s the perfect partnership for a man who’s been known to go off without warning.

GM and Tiger Woods have ended their nine-year endorsement deal. Apparently neither side wanted to be associated with such a broken down commodity.

The NFL will broadcast next week’s Chargers-Raiders game live in 3-D at theaters across the country. The image is expected to be so enhanced that Al Davis might even look life-like.

The Pittsburgh Pirates have signed two reality show contestants who have never played organized baseball. Experts expect them to be completely indistinguishable from the rest of the team.

Rumors persist that Charlie Weis’ buyout at Notre Dame is smaller than originally thought. It’s believed to be the first time the words “small” and “Charlie Weis” have ever been uttered in the same sentence.

The International Olympic Committee has decided to cut the modern pentathlon from five events to four, with pistol shooting and running being combined into a single event. Former Ohio State runningback Maurice Clarett can hardly wait to bring home the gold.

Stephon Marbury has said that his suspicion of Mike D'Antoni is so deep he wouldn't trust him to walk his dog across the street. And this is coming from a man who actually came out in defense of Michael Vick.

Question of the Week

Charles, San Antonio, TX
Subj: Getting a jump on the competition
Hey Ryan, everyone knows that Tiger Woods was a golf prodigy, but what about Jack Nicklaus? Did The Golden Bear show flashes of greatness at a young age as well?

Absolutely, Charles. Nicklaus’s future dominance became evident in 1950 when he accompanied his father, Charlie, to the Scioto Country Club for his first round of golf. Although he was only 10-years-old at the time, Nicklaus shot a very respectable 51 for his first nine holes. Two years later he won the first of his six Ohio State Junior titles en route to becoming the most celebrated young golfer in the state.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Houston Astros shortstop Miguel Tejada has told the team he's actually 33, two years older than he's listed in the club's media guide. The admission saves the team the trouble of having to cut him open and count his rings.

The Milwaukee Bucks have sacked head coach Larry Krystkowiak. Apparently just firing him wasn’t enough.

Pope Benedict XVI held a mass for 46,000 worshippers at the new Nationals Park in Washington D.C. The Pontiff proved to be such a huge drawing card that Washington has offered him a contract to play leftfield for the remainder of the season.

Tiger Woods underwent arthroscopic surgery on his left knee two days after finishing second in the Masters. It’s a good thing he didn’t finish third or he may have something really drastic to his body.

The Oakland Athletics’ expected move to Fremont will likely be delayed until 2012. In the meantime, players have been encouraged to continue putting “no radio on board” signs on their cars when parking around the stadium.

An Olympic athlete charged with assaulting a man in a nightclub has been kicked off the Australian swimming team. On the positive side, he still has an excellent shot of making the Australian boxing team.

Kentucky Derby goers will be able to buy special $1,000 mint juleps at this year’s event. The price is particularly steep when you consider they’ll also be able to purchase glue containing that year’s losers for just $3.99 a bottle.

Kenny Chesney recently took batting practice with the Baltimore Orioles. The country music star looked entirely out of place since, unlike the Orioles, he’s actually had a few big hits.

Tour de France legend Lance Armstrong threw out the first pitch at Saturday’s Red Sox-Rangers game. It was an emotional moment for the former cyclist since it’s the first time in years he’s had two balls.

The third period of a Minnesota Wild-Colorado Avalanche playoff game on Versus was cut off for a Victoria Principal makeup infomercial. And here’s the sad part, the ratings actually went up.

Eli Manning’s wedding to his college sweetheart Abby McGrew reportedly cost $500,000. That’s a lot of money to spend for a guy who already had a ring.

New England Patriots wide receiver Randy Moss is writing his life story. The book, "Rollin' with Randy: The Real Randy Moss Story," is expected to take seven boxes of crayons to complete.

Ask Ryan - Mascot Mayhem

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like Tiger Woods and Swedish nannies. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about Jason Kidd's trade demand, the most unusual college mascot in America and the whereabouts of former NFL phenom Ickey Woods. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/7771016

Ask Ryan - Simply The Best

Hi Gang,
Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment collide like animal rights advocates on Michael Vick's doorstep. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about Darryl Dawkins' rim-rattling dunks, Tiger Woods' sporting superiority and those damn Yankees. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7193918

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week's sports shorts.

Former NBA referee Tim Donaghy has pled guilty to wagering on games he officiated. Experts believe his admission may be even more damaging than the league’s use of really small shorts during the 1970s.

A center on the Rutgers women's basketball team sued Don Imus and CBS for slander and defamation of character. Wow, those are pretty big words for a nappy-headed ho.

Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson have turned down invitations to play in the LG Skins Game. In their defense, the two golfers backed out when they mistakenly thought John Daly would be playing topless.

Former Phillies General Manager Ed Wade got stuck in a tree while skydiving. Some guys will stop at nothing to be well hung.

Giants coach Tom Coughlin surprised his team by canceling their classroom work and taking them bowling. It was an appropriate choice of activities since the Giants should spend most of the season in the gutters.

Lakers super fan Jack Nicholson has developed a serious problem in which his saliva glands have stopped working. Apparently that’s what happens when he has to go more than three months without watching the Laker Girls.

ESPN has decided not to air the NFL QB Challenge because it featured Michael Vick. Smart move. Why would anyone want to watch Vick run and throw a football when they could watch him run away from authorities and throw away his career?

Vinny Testaverde has re-signed with the New England Patriots. The 43-year-old quarterback will provide the team with an experienced backup in case Tom Brady impregnates another celebrity.