You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Qualifying and practice at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway were cancelled for the day due to rainfall. On the positive side, the heavy precipitation gave thousands of rednecks their first shower in nearly a month.

Heisman winner Tim Tebow is currently spending time in an impoverished village in the Philippines helping to circumcise impoverished children. The missionary trip should pay major dividends next season when Tebow finds himself surrounded by dickheads.

HBO has picked the Cowboys for its next season of the training-camp series Hard Knocks. The network had considered documenting the Cincinnati Bengals before deciding viewers would simply think they were watching re-runs of Oz.

A new video clip has surfaced of Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis telling Michigan to “go to Hell.” Based on his performance last season we have no doubt that Weis can give them precise directions there.

Former Knicks enforcer Charles Oakley is planning to launch his very own cooking show. The one hour program will feature 55 minutes of meat tenderizing and five minutes of actual cooking.

Mike Tyson is set to star in a brand new videogame being produced by EA Sports. The game is reportedly so realistic that players will need five separate joysticks just to control him.

Dwyane Wade's Sports Grill in Boca Raton has closed after just two months. The restaurant had difficulty attracting patrons after it was revealed many of the dishes were cooked using the grease from Pat Riley’s hair.

Former 49ers quarterback Joe Montana is suing his first wife, Kim Moses, and a Texas auction house for selling love letters and memorabilia from his time at the University of Notre Dame. It’s the biggest disgrace in Notre Dame history since, well, last season.

A 78-year-old legally blind man from northwest Iowa has bowled a perfect game. It’s hard to say which is the bigger disability: being blind or being from Iowa.

KFC and the NBA have announced a new promotional partnership that will include activities in 22 countries and territories. Strangely enough, Grease is not one of them.

The Florida Marlins have agreed to a six year, $70 million contract extension with shortstop Hanley Ramirez. The deal is expected to leave the franchise with $21.50 to spend on their remaining 24 players.

Question of the Week

Steve, Cincinnati, OH
Subj: Extra digits
Hey Ryan, would you prefer to have a sixth finger on each hand or a third nipple on your chest?

It’s not even close, Steve. I would definitely opt for the sixth finger on each hand. After all, the male nipple is more useless than Britney Spears’ therapist, but a sixth finger can turn you into a Major League talent. Just ask Antonio Alfonseca. The former Philadelphia Phillies reliever has 12 fingers and 12 toes and he enjoyed a productive 11-year career. In fact, Alfonseca actually credits his success to the added rotation he gets from his extra digit. Maybe that’s why he embraces his condition so fully. "I see [people] staring sometimes," he admits. "It's OK. I don't care. It's no big deal to me. Some people see it as a bad thing. I don't." I’d like to think I’d feel the exact same way. Plus, it would be nice to have an extra finger to pick my nose.

Talking Points - Kobe Takes Home The Hardware

Welcome back for another edition of Talking Points, a handy cheat sheet designed to help you hold your own in any water cooler discussion. In this week’s column, I’ll examine Kobe Bryant’s latest achievement, Mike D’Antoni’s coaching prospects and Kosuke Fukudome’s surprising start. Read all about it here.

Question of the Week

Rod, St, Paul, MN
Subj: Pulling double duty
Hey Ryan, has there ever been an ambidextrous pitcher in the Major Leagues?

You bet, Rod. Since the game’s inception six players have pitched with both hands in the same outing. They include Larry Corcoran (1880-1887), Tony Mullane (1881-1894), Elton Chamberlain (1886-1896), George Wheeler (1896-1899), Moxie Manuel (1905-1908), and Greg Harris (1981-1995). Although these double duty specialists have been a rarity in recent years, there’s a good chance we’ll see another ambidextrous hurler in the near future. His name is Pat Venditte and he’s making headlines as a lights-out reliever for the Creighton Bluejays. Venditte, who wears an ambidextrous glove with two thumb holes and four fingers, finished the season 8-2 with a 1.88 ERA, leading many pundits to speculate he’ll be drafted next month. "He has the advantage with every batter," says Creighton head coach Ed Servais. "You don't have to go righty-lefty. He is a righty-lefty in himself. He is a bullpen in himself." The only question that remains is which hand Venditte will use to sign his first big league contract.

Talking Points: Brown Gets Around

Welcome back for another edition of Talking Points, a handy cheat sheet designed to help you hold your own in any water cooler discussion. In this week’s column, I’ll examine Roger Clemens’ fall from grace, Barry Zito’s surprising demotion and Larry Brown’s ongoing pursuit of coaching every team in the NBA. Read all about it here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The University at Buffalo’s top basketball player has been suspended indefinitely by the school for posting an ad on the Internet offering to pay someone to write a course paper. Come on, he’s an athlete; shouldn’t people be writing his papers for free?

Notre Dame is considering shedding its independent status and joining the Big Ten. It would be a huge move for the school given that the only organization they looked fit to join last year was Pop Warner.

Alex Rodriguez is going on the 15-day disabled list with a strained right quadriceps. If you think that sounds bad you should hear his new nickname: A-Quad. The injury has been classified as a Grade 2 strain, which automatically makes his quad better educated than half of his teammates.

Scranton Penguins captain Neal Smith was caught running naked through town. The veteran player has since been charged with public drunkenness, disorderly conduct, open lewdness and high sticking.

Nearly 500 men age 40 and older lined up for a free prostate cancer screening Tuesday at a mobile clinic at Milwaukee’s Miller Park. It just goes to show you that being a Brewers fan can be a major pain in the butt.

Barack Obama scrimmaged with the University of North Carolina basketball team earlier this week. Players had no problem guarding the Democratic senator since he always went to his left.

President George Bush honored the New York Giants recently during a ceremony at the White House. By all accounts it was a joyous gathering of 50 guys who wear helmets and one who probably should.

Barry Zito has been demoted to the bullpen by the San Francisco Giants. The team knew he was in trouble when his ERA started getting larger than Barry Bonds’ hat size.

Byron Scott has been named the NBA’s coach of the year, or as Mike D’Antoni and Avery Johnson call it, The Most Likely to Be Canned in Two Seasons Award.

A seven-foot-tall bronze statue of Oscar De La Hoya will join similar tributes to Los Angeles sports stars Magic Johnson and Wayne Gretzky at Staples Center. De La Hoya’s statue will be especially easy to identify since it will be the only one dressed in women’s lingerie.

Question of the Week

Bob Bridgewater NJ
Subj: I Meant To Do That
Why is it that when a batter hits a cheap grounder that just happens to roll between two infielders the announcer will usually comment on the batter's ability in executing this "hit"? Am I wrong in thinking that this is merely luck?

Not at all, Bob. However, I do think you’re undervaluing the importance of luck in baseball. After all, the difference between a player hitting .230 or .300 is usually just a matter of 25 or so “lucky” hits finding their way through the infield or blooping into center. That’s why former Yankees pitcher Lefty Gomez once observed, “I’d rather be lucky than good.” It’s also why so many Major Leaguers try to control their luck through the practice of elaborate superstitions. Craig Biggio, for instance, tries to improve his performance by never washing his helmet, Wade Boggs hoped to raise his average by eating chicken before every single game and former Mets reliever Turk Wendell made a habit of chewing licorice and brushing his teeth between every inning he pitched. What makes these otherwise sane men slaves to these odd routines? It’s luck, and in baseball, it’s everything.