You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The University of Wisconsin marching band has been suspended indefinitely while allegations of alcohol abuse and sexual misconduct are investigated. Apparently the tubas weren’t the only things they were blowing.

New York Knicks center Eddy Curry has yet to practice with the team due to a mysterious illness. Doctors have identified the ailment by its scientific name of overweightus outofshapeus.

Stephon Marbury is producing a 45-minute fitness video due out for the Christmas shopping season. The timing is perfect since Marbury has had a long association with ho ho hos.

Former Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry has been arrested following a multi-kilogram cocaine bust. On the positive side, his newfound knowledge of the metric system should make him a natural fit in the Canadian Football League.

Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Jeff Suppan posted a 15.00 ERA during the NLDS. The veteran righthander was so ineffective he may start next season coming out of the bullpen… as a giant chorizo sausage.

The Milwaukee Brewers are considering taking a run at free agent pitcher C.C. Sabathia. Luckily for them, they won’t have to run very fast.

Josh Howard has called himself an "idiot" for his videotaped disparagement of the national anthem. The Mavericks forward went on to state that America has always been one of his favorite countries in the U.S.A.

Miami Heat general manager Randy Pfund has resigned from the team. His departure is expected to leave the franchise totally pfucked.

John Daly is considering moving to England and playing regularly on the European tour. It should be a relief for Daly to go to a place where beer is considered a breakfast food. The 42-year-old Daly has made just $56,017 this year, $50,000 of which came from returning his empties.

Wiley Publishing has just released another printing of Football for Dummies. The Lions are hoping to have a copy in their hands sometime before next Sunday.

Chicago has picked up Lou Piniella's option for 2010. Incidentally that’s also how many years it’s been since the last time the Cubs reached the World Series.

The Houston Rockets have released center Marcus Campbell. The strategic move should provide enough room at the end of the bench for both Dikembe Mutombo and his walker.

Beyond The Media

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Question of the Week

Jonah, Bloomington, IL
Subj: Dino
Is it true that Dean Martin was a boxer before be became an entertainer?

That’s correct, Jonah. Dino was a high school dropout who turned to boxing at the age of 15 in order to make ends meet. Unfortunately Martin didn’t have much of a feel for the sweet science and, as he recalls, he "won all but 11 of 12 fights." His brief time in the ring also left him with a broken nose, a permanently split lip and several sets of broken knuckles. Although his tenure as a professional pugilist was short-lived, Martin returned to boxing several years later when he moved to New York. According to legend, he and his roommate, Sonny King, used to cobble together rent money by charging friends a dollar each to watch them box in their living room. Comedian Denis Leary remembers talking to Martin about his amateur face-offs. “It’s classic. He said they’d get like 15 or 20 people a night,” Leary recalls. “That’s how they’d pay the rent. That’s old school.”

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Mets are currently selling their Shea Stadium dugout for $100,000. Call now and they’ll even toss in Scott Schoeneweis and Luis Ayala for free.

Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt says he plans to stick with Kurt Warner at quarterback for the foreseeable future. If Matt Leinart doesn’t have a drinking problem yet, he certainly will now.

Lance Armstrong has hired anti-doping expert Don Catlin to test him anytime, anywhere, and to post the results online for the world to see. We haven’t seen a guy this eager to get pricked since Clay Aiken.

A dozen athletes, including six NFL players, have agreed to donate their brains to science. The brains of the football players are considered to be especially valuable since they’ve never been used.

A USC football recruit has been sentenced to four years in prison for armed robbery. On the positive side, he’ll be eligible to play for the Bengals as soon as he’s released.

German long jumper Kofi Amoah Prah retired after receiving a two-year ban for cocaine use. Authorities first suspected Prah was using the drug after observing how he would always jump into the sand pit nose first.

Tigers pitcher Todd Jones has announced he’s retiring from baseball. The veteran reliever decided it was time to step down when he noticed scouts were measuring his fastball with a calendar.

New York City police say they arrested 18 people for stealing pieces of Yankee Stadium during the 85-year-old ballpark's final game. New York’s finest were so overzealous they even brought in Bobby Abreu after he was spotted stealing second base in the seventh inning.

The Red Sox clinched the team’s fifth playoff berth in the last six seasons while simultaneously eliminating the Yankees. Boston residents were so excited they managed to forget about Tom Brady’s knee for a full five seconds.

Saints left guard Jamar Nesbit has been suspended without pay for violating the NFL's policy on steroids. Authorities first suspected Nesbit was juicing after noticing he kept on bumping his head on the roof of the Superdome.

Good news out of Denver. Nuggets guard Allen Iverson has said that he would consider a pay cut… for Kenyon Martin.

The U.S. Olympic dressage team had its fourth-place finish in Beijing stripped when a horse tested positive for drugs. As if that weren’t bad enough, new reports are also suggesting the horse may not have been 16 years old.

Getting Animated

I recently began contributing to a hilarious new animated web series entitled Sports Talk Weekly. Check it out here!

Question of the Week

Charles, Oklahoma City, OK
Subj: Going the distance
Who holds the Major League record for most innings pitched in a game?

That honor is shared by Leon Cadore and Joe Oeschger, a pair of rubber-armed hurlers who logged 26 innings each in a 1920 marathon match between Brooklyn and Boston. The epic game featured 168 at-bats, nine walks and six sacrifices and lasted for three hours and fifty minutes before being declared a 1-1 tie on account of darkness. Despite the length of the game, Cadore later insisted that he could have kept on pitching. "I remember saying, ‘Sure, but I can go one more,' figuring something just had to happen one way or the other, but that was the way it went through the 26th,” he told the press. “True, maybe a couple more innings could have been played. But as you can see what a crime it would have been to have a loss marked up against either pitcher.” Interestingly, Cadore and Oeschger also went the distance just one week before their epic duel with Cadore coming out ahead 1-0 after 11 grueling innings.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Danny Granger has donated $500,000 to New Mexico's athletic department. It’s an impressive contribution considering the last time an Indiana Pacer gave away that much money it was at a strip club.

C.C. Sabathia lost his second consecutive game for the suddenly floundering Milwaukee Brewers. The big left hander was so despondent afterwards that he couldn’t eat for nearly five minutes.

Mavs forward Josh Howard was caught on video disrespecting the American national anthem before a charity flag-football game. Sure, it sounds bad, but in his defense he was so high at the time he thought he was in Paraguay.

The U.S. Olympic Committee has added the president of Xerox and the chairman of Electronic Arts to its board of directors. I should clarify: the EA chairman joined first. The Xerox guy just copied him.

The Cowboys managed to beat the Packers 27-16 for their very first win at Lambeau Field. You know something has gone horribly awry when Hell is frozen over and Lambeau Field isn’t.

45-year-old pitcher Jamie Moyer led the Phillies to a 5-2 victory over the Marlins. The veteran hurler is so old his first baseball card was printed on papyrus.

Rays manager Joe Maddon reportedly celebrated his team’s first playoff birth by drinking Dom Perignon champagne, Patron tequila and red wine. In fact, the veteran skipper got so hammered that many observers mistook him for the Mets bullpen.

Detroit Lions linebacker Jordon Dizon has been sentenced to 24 hours of community service for driving while impaired. You’d think having to play for the Lions would be punishment enough.

The Houston Rockets have reached out to victims of Hurricane Ike by purchasing four tractor-trailers full of food and water. Or, as Yao Ming calls it, breakfast.

The Cubs nearly no hit the Astros for the second game in the row. In fact, Houston went so long between hits that some observers mistook them for James Blunt.

Oakland Raiders defensive end Tommy Kelly was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence. On the positive side, he now has one more thing in common with Oakland Raiders fans.

The Milwaukee Bucks have announced that Charlie Villanueva will be the team’s starting forward this season. Villanueva was so surprised by the news that he lifted the area where he used to have eyebrows.