You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Six Nuggets including Nene, Kenyon Martin, Carmelo Anthony, J.R. Smith, Anthony Carter and Chris Andersen have lost a combined 76 pounds since the beginning of the summer. In related news, rotund coach George Karl appears to have found all of them.

The Philadelphia Phillies have decided to start veteran pitcher Jamie Moyer in game one of the World Series. The 45-year-old hurler will be on a very strict pitch count since he likes to be in bed by 9:00 pm.

Jose Canseco has been charged with a misdemeanor offense of trying to bring a reproductive drug across the border from Mexico. Apparently it’s only his imagination that’s fertile.

Joey Chestnut ate 45 slices of pizza in 10 minutes to win the world’s first Pizza Eating Championship in Manhattan. New Yorkers haven’t seen a mouth that big since Stephon Marbury.

Former NBA guard Kevin Johnson has called upon Charles Barkley to help him become the next mayor of Sacramento. It’s a wise move. Anyone that fat should get at least five votes.

A New York model has revealed that Alex Rodriguez has a huge foot fetish. It’s hardly surprising considering he’s spent most of his career with his own foot in his mouth.

The man who caught the final home run hit at Yankee Stadium by Jose Molina has decided to sell it at an auction. It may be the only time in history where a ball is more valuable than the player who hit it.

John Madden will miss calling an NFL game this weekend after working 476 in a row. Madden will be temporarily replaced by Cris Collinsworth, who has promised to ease the transition for fans by spending 72 hours on a bus and eating three times his own weight in food.

The Charlotte Bobcats are attempting to trade Adam Morrison. The team is believed to be looking for a big man but they’d be happy to settle for anyone who doesn’t look like a roadie for Lynyrd Skynyrd.

A small electrical fire damaged the Citgo sign over Fenway's Green Monster in left field. You know you’re having a rough post season when the only thing that gets hot is your signs.

Madonna has announced that she’s divorcing Guy Ritchie to be with Alex Rodriguez. It’s nice to hear that at least one Yankee is still active in the post season.

Roger Clemens says he lacks the desire to play again because he’s enjoying his free time. It’s amazing how much you can get done when no one wants your autograph.

Former Yankee infielder Tom Tresh has died at the age of 71. His passing is particularly devastating since he would have been a huge upgrade over Robinson Cano.

A new report suggests that 1,055 athletes were injured at the Beijing Games. The unusually high number includes 300 Chinese athletes who had their legs broken for failing to win gold.

Question of the Week

Dave, Bristol, CT
Subj: Dialing long distance
Which player holds the record for the most career grand slams?

That honor belongs to Lou Gehrig, who hit 23 grand salamis during his prestigious career. Although his record was once considered unbreakable, it’s highly probable it will be surpassed sometime in the next five years by either Manny Ramirez, who currently has 20, or Alex Rodriguez, who is stuck at 15. Incidentally, 12 players have hit two grand slams in the same game, including former Red Sox third baseman Bill Mueller, who is also the only player in Major League history to have hit his grand slams from opposite sides of the plate.

A Laughing Matter

I recently joined forces with a cadre of America’s top stand-up comedians for a hilarious article in this week’s Sports Illustrated. Read all of our offbeat views on the 2008 MLB playoffs by clicking here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Alex Rodriguez was recently spotted going into Madonna's Central Park West highrise. It's October, though, so we're assuming he probably struck out.

Barry Bonds made a rare public appearance in San Francisco recently and said he is enjoying life away from baseball. That’s quite a coincidence since baseball is really enjoying life away from Barry Bonds.

A judge has moved Travis Henry’s cocaine-trafficking trial to Montana. It’s believed to be the first time the words “Montana” and “Traffic” have been used in the same sentence.

American gymnast Alicia Sacramone has said that having an Olympic medal is “like getting a get out of jail free card." Somehow we think Marion Jones might disagree.

The New Orleans Saints have decided to feature a picture of a blown facemask call on the front page of their website. It’s uncertain whether the image will attract any attention since the Internet is already full of pictures of things getting blown.

Stephon Marbury has said that he would be happy to come off the bench. It’s a surprising declaration considering the only thing worse than not starting for the Knicks is actually having to watch them play.

Michael Phelps was formally welcomed home to Baltimore with a massive parade. The procession was scheduled to last three hours but Phelps finished it in just 1 minute and 37 seconds.

Red Sox DH David Ortiz is currently auctioning his bed for charity. It’s the perfect item for someone who likes to score up to 100 times a year.

New York reliever Ambiorix Burgos has turned himself in following a hit-and-run accident. Police were amazed at how easily he gave up until they remembered he pitched for the Mets.

Lindsay Lohan's father, Michael, is looking to take someone on in the ring for $5,000. And based on her career prospects, it might just be Lindsay.

Jaguars receiver Matt Jones will have his cocaine charge heard in drug court rather than the regular criminal system. As everyone knows, drug court is a lot faster since it has fewer lines.

Question of the Week

Keith, Norfolk, VA
Subj: Eligible Bachelorettes
Yo Ryan, I'm 27 and I want to date a hot female professional athlete. In your opinion, who are the Top five eligible bachelorettes? Thanks brotha!

Excellent question, Keith. It’s times like this that I feel I can truly give back something to my fellow man.

1. Amy Acuff (High Jump) – This two-time Olympian and part-time model has appeared in sizzling pictorials in Vogue, Rolling Stone and Glamour. The good news is she’s slim, trim and perfectly toned. The bad news is she’s also fast enough to run away from you.

2. Lokelani McMichael (Triathlon) – The youngest female to ever participate in the Ironman Triathlon, Lokelani is a native Hawaiian who knows a thing or two about getting leied.

3. Jelena Dokić (Tennis) - Imagine Anna Kournikova with talent and you have Jelena Dokić. This 25-year-old stunner has been turning heads since 2001 when she won her first singles title. However, convincing her to play a game of doubles is entirely up to you.

4. Gretchen Bleiler (Snowboarding) – A member of the U.S. snowboarding team, this 26-year-old buxom blonde beauty has the kind of jaw-dropping flexibility that only comes around once in a lifetime.

5. Veronika Kay (Surfing) – A former National Scholastic Surfing Association champ, this curvaceous Californian was a participant on the reality TV show Boarding House: North Shore. With any luck, she’s ingested just enough salt water over her lifetime to consider giving you a shot.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The University of Wisconsin marching band has been suspended indefinitely while allegations of alcohol abuse and sexual misconduct are investigated. Apparently the tubas weren’t the only things they were blowing.

New York Knicks center Eddy Curry has yet to practice with the team due to a mysterious illness. Doctors have identified the ailment by its scientific name of overweightus outofshapeus.

Stephon Marbury is producing a 45-minute fitness video due out for the Christmas shopping season. The timing is perfect since Marbury has had a long association with ho ho hos.

Former Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry has been arrested following a multi-kilogram cocaine bust. On the positive side, his newfound knowledge of the metric system should make him a natural fit in the Canadian Football League.

Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Jeff Suppan posted a 15.00 ERA during the NLDS. The veteran righthander was so ineffective he may start next season coming out of the bullpen… as a giant chorizo sausage.

The Milwaukee Brewers are considering taking a run at free agent pitcher C.C. Sabathia. Luckily for them, they won’t have to run very fast.

Josh Howard has called himself an "idiot" for his videotaped disparagement of the national anthem. The Mavericks forward went on to state that America has always been one of his favorite countries in the U.S.A.

Miami Heat general manager Randy Pfund has resigned from the team. His departure is expected to leave the franchise totally pfucked.

John Daly is considering moving to England and playing regularly on the European tour. It should be a relief for Daly to go to a place where beer is considered a breakfast food. The 42-year-old Daly has made just $56,017 this year, $50,000 of which came from returning his empties.

Wiley Publishing has just released another printing of Football for Dummies. The Lions are hoping to have a copy in their hands sometime before next Sunday.

Chicago has picked up Lou Piniella's option for 2010. Incidentally that’s also how many years it’s been since the last time the Cubs reached the World Series.

The Houston Rockets have released center Marcus Campbell. The strategic move should provide enough room at the end of the bench for both Dikembe Mutombo and his walker.

Beyond The Media

Are you looking for quality images of your favorite athletes? Drop by Beyond The Media, a fabulous new blog containing dozens of colorful hi-res photos of international stars like Cristano Ronaldo and Danica Patrick. You can learn more about this super slick site by clicking here.