You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Sales of Plaxico Burress' No. 17 jersey have fallen off by 75% over the past month. It’s a huge drop off from a year ago when his replica jerseys were as hot as a pistol.

The Chicago Cubs have signed Aaron Miles to a two-year contract. The Cubbies decided to acquire the veteran infielder after hearing they were still Miles away from contending for a World Series title.

John Daly has been suspended for six months by the PGA tour. It sounds like he finally discovered the “A” in PGA doesn’t stand for “alcohol.”

The Detroit Red Wings beat the Chicago Blackhawks in the NHL’s Winter Classic. It’s nice to know the Cubs aren’t the only Chicago franchise capable of losing big at Wrigley.

A construction worker at the new Yankee Stadium was taken to a hospital after falling off a mobile scaffold. Yankees fans haven’t seen a collapse that dramatic since last August.

CBS Sports has hired Tom Arnold to star in a new web series about heckling. It’s the perfect project for a man who’s been called every name in the book.

The NHL Network recently aired a segment featuring the Dallas Stars’ Ice Girls frolicking on a yacht in their bikinis. The two minute clip has been blamed for already causing 10,000 spontaneous cases of high sticking.

A Portland man was arrested after police found him driving a Zamboni erratically at a local arena. The driver has since been sentenced to 2,000 minutes in the penalty box.

Boston College knocked off top-ranked North Carolina with a stirring 85-78 victory in Chapel Hill. The outcome was so shocking that Tyler Hansbrough nearly blinked.

Former American Gladiators star, Nitro, has admitted to using steroids while he was on the show in the early 90’s. The news comes as a shock to millions of viewers who thought it was perfectly natural to have man-boobs the size of watermelons.

Shaquille O'Neal has just re-listed his Miami Beach estate for $25 million - $10 million less than its original asking price. A Shaq product hasn’t fetched this little interest since Kazaam.

Question of the Week

Bob, Manville, NJ
Subj: Tall tales
Who was the tallest wide receiver in NFL history?

That honor belongs to Harold Carmichael, a bruising 6’8” receiver who played 13 seasons with the Philadelphia Eagles from 1971 until 1983. More than just a circus act, Carmichael was also a phenomenal football player who was named to four Pro Bowls and finished his career ranked sixth on the NFL’s all-time reception list with an eye-popping 590 catches. According to his former college coach Alva Tabor, Carmichael’s height dramatically changed the way the game is now played. "He made the NFL start looking more for tall wide receivers,” Tabor explains. “Harold had more than just hands. It was unbelievable what he could do just to get free from cornerbacks." A member of the Eagles’ Honor Roll since 1987, Carmichael still lives in Philadelphia where he serves as the team’s director of player/community relations.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Viagra has signed on to become a sponsor of the NHL, which makes sense because if you’ve ever had an erection that lasted for three days, then you know the value of putting it on ice.

Tom Brady is rumored to have proposed to his girlfriend Gisele Bundchen on Christmas Eve. It’s nice to hear that at least one Patriot will be getting a ring this year.

The Utah Jazz have announced that forward Carlos Boozer will undergo arthroscopic knee surgery. A boozer hasn’t made this many headlines since the last time John Daly passed out at Hooters.

The Houston Rockets have re-acquired Dikembe Mutumbo. The veteran center has been signed for the remainder of the season or until his old age pension kicks in, whichever comes first.

Houston has fired three coaches including Defensive coordinator Richard Smith. The last time this many Texans were axed, Davy Crockett was present.

Randy Johnson has signed a one-year contract with the Giants. He’s expected to attract a huge fan base since San Francisco men are known to have an affinity for big units.

The New York Yankees have signed back-up catcher Kevin Cash. It’s the first time in years the Yankees have acquired cash rather than throwing it away.

The Mets are reportedly uninterested in signing Andruw Jones, which is a shame, because if he puts on any more weight he should be able to cover all three outfield positions without even moving.

Lance Armstrong has revealed that he and his girlfriend, Anna Hansen, are expecting a baby in June. The announcement means that Pacman Jones is now just the second hardest working nut in sports.

Question of the Week

Joe, Cleveland, OH
Subj: College Football
What is the average age of a Division I college football player in his senior year?

The average age of a college senior is 21. However, there are some exceptions. Take Chris Weinke, for instance. The former Florida State quarterback played six years of minor league baseball within the Toronto Blue Jays organization before trading in his glove for a helmet. By the time Weinke was in his senior year he was 28-years-old, practically making him a senior himself. Fortunately, his maturity was an asset and he led the nation in passing and won the Heisman Trophy, the Davey O’Brien Award and the Johnny Unitas Award en route to guiding the Seminoles to the Orange Bowl.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

NASCAR has settled a $225 million lawsuit filed by a former official who said she was subjected to racial discrimination and sexual harassment. The news comes as a shock to many NASCAR fans who didn’t realize harass was one word.

Lindsay Davenport is pulling out of the Australian Open because she is pregnant with her second child. It’s nice to know that at least one person in her marriage knows how to pull out.

Vince Young is suing former major leaguer Enos Cabell for trying to use his initials and "Invinceable" nickname to sell products without his permission. Luckily for Young, the names “Cry Baby” and “Whiner” are still available.

Rotund hurler C.C. Sabathia is expected to receive a $9.5 million bonus from the New York Yankees. Or as he calls it, lunch money.

A woman has pleaded no contest to stalking Lakers forward Luke Walton. The California resident has been sentenced to three years' probation, told to attend counseling and encouraged to set her sights a little higher the next time she decides to stalk a celebrity.

NASCAR has announced it will begin testing drivers for performance-enhancing drugs in January. Drivers will be tested for 13 different narcotics, ten different barbiturates and seven varieties of moonshine.

The Boston Celtics are reportedly interested in signing Stephon Marbury. Given the state of the economy who wouldn’t want a player who pays $2,600 for his own courtside seats?

The Lions slipped to 0-15 after losing 42-7 to the Saints. On the positive side, the team could be just one more loss away from a massive congressional bailout.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The International Olympic Committee has opened the bidding process for the 2014 Summer Youth Olympic Games. So far the biggest bids seem to be coming from Michael Jackson and R. Kelly.

The Knicks have given the Heat a standing offer of Stephon Marbury for Shawn Marion. Miami is rumored to be holding out for a more appealing trading chip like a measles-encrusted blanket or a plague-infested rat.

Former champion race walker German Skurygin has died of a heart attack at the age of 45. Skurygin will be displayed in an upright coffin to ensure his heels are in constant contact with the ground.

Michael Phelps has been named Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year. We can only pray this doesn’t lead to more acting opportunities.

A Rolls-Royce Phantom owned by Plaxico Burress is being sold on eBay. And unlike Buress, the car’s pistons only fire when they’re supposed to.

The Green Bay Packers have been named the top sporting brand in the U.S. by a leading marketing firm. In fact, just about the only Green Bay-inspired product that isn’t selling well is Packers Fudge.

The NHL has suspended Dallas forward Sean Avery after he made inappropriate comments about his ex-girlfriends. You know your sport is being mismanaged when Elisha Cuthbert and Rachel Hunter receive more protection than many of your goalies.

The Cowboys plan to use Pacman Jones on punt returns. We can only hope he treats his blockers better than his bodyguards.

Nittany Lion mascot James D. Sheep has been charged with driving under the influence. The school’s football squad has run afoul of the law on so many occasions that Penn State now has more repeat offenders than the State Pen.

Members of the Tampa Bay Rays were recently given $223,390 each for participating in the 2008 World Series. It’s nice to hear that Stephon Marbury isn’t the only loser who’s getting a big pay check.

Alex Rodriguez and Madonna are currently vacationing in Mexico City. Now comes the hard part: convincing him to stay there.

Question of the Week

Allan, Las Cruces, NM
Subj: Faster than a speeding bullet
In your opinion, who is the fastest football player of all time?

My vote goes to “Bullet” Bob Hayes, a man so fast he could turn off the lights and be in bed before it got dark. Prior to becoming a legend on the gridiron, Hayes was also an outstanding sprinter who established world records in the 60, 100 and 220 yard dashes during his tenure at Florida A&M. That blazing speed landed him an invitation to join the U.S. team at the 1964 Olympic Games where he collected two gold medals in what many still consider to be the greatest exhibition of pure speed in the history of international competition. Not surprisingly, Hayes’ super human ability to accelerate caught the attention of the Dallas Cowboys and the team drafted him with the 88th pick in the seventh round of the 1964 draft. It proved to be a savvy selection and Hayes went on to play ten seasons with the team, during which time he was named to three Pro Bowls and he became the first man in history to win both an Olympic gold medal and a Super Bowl ring. Sadly, he died in 2002 at the age of 59 after succumbing to liver and kidney problems, as well as prostate cancer.