You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Lingerie Bowl has been cancelled due to a conflict over the amount of nudity allowed in the event. On the positive side, football fans can still look forward to seeing the Cardinals thoroughly undressed this Sunday.

Charlotte forward Gerald Wallace suffered a partially collapsed lung in a game against the Celtics. Luckily he plays for the Bobcats so he’s used to dealing with sudden collapses.

Former NBA player Corie Blount was recently busted with 11 pounds of marijuana. Or, as Ricky Williams calls it, a single serving.

Washington Capitals star Alex Ovechkin had to leave a game against the Bruins after being hit by Boston defenseman Zdeno Chara. Not since the days of Jesus Christ has someone made this much news simply for being nailed into a board.

NASCAR is planning on removing pit stops from its popular World Truck Series races. The change means that drivers will now have to wait until AFTER the race is over to resume making-out with their cousins.

The Dallas Cowboys might fine tight end Martellus Bennett for an offensive rap video he posted on YouTube. Of course, if bad rap were really a crime Vanilla Ice would have been sentenced to the electric chair years ago.

Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain recently told reporters that Fenway Park smells like “70-year-old Pine Sol.” Those are strong words for a man who smells like a beer and bratwurst fart himself.

Lakers forward Trevor Ariza remains "slightly impaired" from a concussion he sustained against the Bobcats. In other words, he’s now just like every other player in the NBA.

Bobby Bowden has signed a one-year contract to coach a 34th season at Florida State. Bowden has been at the school so long he remembers when football players actually had to write their own exams.

Aaron Heilman has been traded from Seattle to the Chicago Cubs, just seven weeks after the Mets shipped him to the Mariners. On the positive side, if Heilman gets traded once more this month he’ll officially have enough frequent flyers miles to visit the moon.

An 11-year-old bullfighter in Mexico set a new record by slaying six young bulls in one appearance. That’s nothing; NBA teams have been slaying 12 young Bulls every night for the last three seasons.

Former NFL star Michael Strahan has been chosen to host the fourth season of Spike TV’s “Pros vs. Joes.” The show is not to be confused with “Pros vs. Hoes” which is a documentary about the Minnesota Vikings’ 2005 boat cruise.

Question of the Week

Larry, Pensacola, FL
Subj: Beginner’s luck
Who is the youngest golfer to ever hit a hole in one?

That honor belongs to diminutive differ Jake Paine who established the record in 2001 at the tender age of 3 years, five months and 15 days old. Jake’s “Shot heard ‘round the world” occurred on a 66 yard uphill hole at Lake Forest Golf and Practice Course and was witnessed by his father, his seven-year-old brother and the course starter. For the record, Jake was using his favorite Snoopy driver.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The NBA could be headed towards a lockout in 2011. Luckily many of their players have a history of breaking and entering so that shouldn’t be much of an impediment.

The New York Yankees have received an additional $259 million in public funding. The team is expected to use the money on half an outfielder.

Jose Canseco and Danny Bonaduce fought to a draw in their highly-hyped three-round boxing match. The result was a disappointment to many viewers who had hoped they’d fight to the death.

Bucks guard Michael Redd will miss the rest of the season with a torn ACL and MCL. In other words, Milwaukee is now SOL.

Atlanta Hawks guard Acie Law has bet a friend $10,000 that the Dallas Cowboys will win next year’s Super Bowl. Luckily Law plays for the Hawks so he’s used to losing.

The Memphis Grizzlies have fired head coach Marc Iavaroni after guiding the team to an 11-30 record. Anyone interested in replacing him is advised to show up at the arena an hour before game time.

The Tribune has agreed to sell the Chicago Cubs to billionaire Tom Ricketts. It’s a natural fit, since the team’s roster is already extremely rickety.

A Greek basketball team is looking to take on one of several NBA players including Stephon Marbury, Jamaal Tinsley, Jason Williams or Steve Francis. I’m sorry, did I say Greek basketball team? I meant Greek charity.

Ekaterina Rubleva accidentally exposed her nipple in front of thousands of fans during the European Figure Skating Championships in Helsinki. Luckily for Rubleva, only three of those fans were actually straight.

Baron Davis, Ricky Davis and Chris Kaman have allegedly been faking injuries for the past two weeks. That seems fitting since the Clippers have been faking being an NBA team for the last two decades.

Veteran pitcher Brandon Lyon has agreed to a $4.25 million, one-year contract with the Detroit Tigers. The team is expected to bring him out of the bullpen, because as we all know, a Detroit Lyon hasn’t won anything in years.

Getting Animated

I recently began contributing to a hilarious new animated web series entitled Sports Talk Weekly. You can check out the latest episode featuring digs at Tony Romo, Alex Rodriguez, Eddy Curry and, of course, the Yankees, by clicking here.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Detroit Pistons have lost five of their last six games. Apparently the city’s auto makers aren’t the only ones struggling to put together a good quarter.

Jeff Van Gundy has said he doesn't see himself back on the bench any time soon. After all, why go to the NBA when he already has a steady gig playing Uncle Fester at birthdays and bar mitzvahs.

The New Jersey Institute of Technology finally snapped a 51 game losing streak with a 61-51 victory over Bryant. Of course, the real surprise is that Bryant managed to score 51 points all on his own.

Shaquille O’Neal says he’s feeling better than ever because of his new regime of ballet-like exercises. Unfortunately the same can’t be said of the poor guy in charge of lifting him off the ground.

Knicks center Jerome James will miss the rest of the season with a ruptured right Achilles' tendon. James has blamed the injury on trying to eat more than he could lift.

The City of Detroit has approved a $27 million plan to preserve Tiger Stadium. It’s nice to hear that the Detroit Lions aren’t the only useless relics the city is willing to support.

NBA owners have reversed a longtime ban on serving hard liquor during live games. That’s certainly one way of making the Clippers more watchable.

Dennis Rodman has signed on to join a cast of midgets in a new basketball movie called The Minis. Oddly enough, it still sounds much more dignified than making another film with Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Las Vegas bookies have picked the New York Yankees as the odds on favorites to win the 2009 World Series. Then again, these are the same bookies that also picked the Arizona Cardinals to finish the season playing in the Pac-10.

The New York Mets have signed outfielders Ryan Church and Angel Pagan to one-year contracts. Maybe now the team will actually have a prayer of getting into the post season.

The Pittsburgh Steelers have announced they’ll wear their white pants for Super Bowl XLIII. And because they’re in Florida, they also plan on hiking them all the way up to their nipples.

Question of the Week

Howard, Torrance, CA
Subj: Little O
Do you think Omar Vizquel deserves to be in the Hall of Fame?

I do, Howard, but I doubt other voters will be as generous in their assessments. Hall of Fame inductees are ultimately judged against their peers and Vizquel has had the misfortune of playing during the same era as offensive juggernauts like Alex Rodriquez, Derek Jeter, Miguel Tejada and even Hanley Ramirez. If voters choose to overlook his 11 gold gloves and .984 fielding percentage and focus instead on his 77 home runs 892 RBIs than Vizquel won’t have a chance. And that’s shame, because his glove has probably saved more runs than any of his fellow shortstops have generated. I personally hope Vizquel one day gains entry into Cooperstown if only to remind young players that games aren’t won exclusively in the batter’s box.

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

The Yankees have announced they will wear a special patch on their uniforms commemorating the inaugural season at their new stadium. The black and white design will feature an enormous dollar sign being flushed down a toilet.

Pirates chairman Bob Nutting recently told reporters that an MLB salary cap would make Pittsburgh more competitive. It’s certainly a more feasible plan than his previous idea of giving polio to the league’s other 29 teams.

The Detroit Lions have signed head coach Jim Schwartz to a four year deal, or 64 losses, whichever come first.

The Boston Red Sox have extended the contract of Kevin Youkilis until 2012. It’s hoped that by then scientists will finally be able to identify which species he belongs to.

Quarterback Mark Sanchez will skip his senior season and enter the NFL draft. Luckily USC should bounce right back as Matt Leinart has expressed interest in returning to college and taking his place.

The Los Angeles Dodgers have released Andruw Jones. The team intends to still pay tribute to the rotund slugger by using his jersey to cover the infield during rain delays.

Kobe Bryant has signed a lucrative deal to blog for a Chinese website. It should be delightful to read the views of a man whose knowledge of Chinese culture begins and ends with Sweet and Sour Pork.

Free agent pitcher Paul Byrd has decided to sit out the first half of the 2009 season. Byrd made the decision because he wants to spend time with his family… just not that much time.

18-year-old golfer Tadd Fujikawa fired a 8-under 62 at the Sony Open. We’re not sure what’s sadder: the fact that PGA golfers are being beaten by a kid who can’t even legally drink or that a teenager is wasting the best years of his life playing golf.

Alonzo Mourning has said he may return to the Miami Heat if he can get his body back in shape. If not, he’ll do what every overweight big man does and sign with the Knicks.

The Arizona Cardinals are headed to Super Bowl XLIII, or as many insiders are calling it, Apocalypse I.

Cubs chairman Crane Kenney has said the sale of the team should happen any day now. Then again, Cubs fans have also been saying the same thing about a World Series title for the last 101 years.

Washed-up outfielder Ken Griffey Jr. is reportedly drawing interest from four different teams. Unfortunately for Griffey, three of them play in a beer league.